John Scalzi - Agent to the Stars

Best Director:Roland Lanois

Best Actress:Michelle Beck

Best Screenplay (Adapted):Connie Reiser & Larry Card, from the book Hard Memories by Rachel Spiegelman

Best Cinematography:Januz Kaminsky

Best Score (Dramatic):Julian Ruiz

Best Editing:Roland Lanois, Cynthia Peal

Best Makeup:Nguyen Trinh

Daily Variety, March 4

OSCAR NOTES

Best Actress Nominee Michelle Beck will join the Oscar broadcast as an announcer, director Lars Giles said today. Ms. Beck will introduce the fifth and final Best Picture clip, to be shown just after the Best Actress award is to be announced. The Oscars will be broadcast on ABC-TV March 23 starting at 6 pm Pacific......

"Stop squirming," Miranda said.

"I can't help myself," I said. "Michelle's my first client to get nominated for an Oscar. I'm nervous."

"Is that the only reason?" Miranda said.

"Well, no," I said. "But that's the reason I'm going public with. Also, my cummerbund itches."

Miranda and I were at the Academy Awards.

We weren't in the good seats, of course. The good seats are saved for the nominees, their guests, other really big stars, and studio heads. Carl Lupo had a good seat. Michelle had a good seat. Our seats were in the back of the balcony. Miranda brought a pair of opera glasses. We needed them. At least we weren't as bad off as Van Doren. He was stuck in the press room. "It's like a cattle pen," he told me, "except that instead of cows mooing next to you, you have Roger Ebert."

Things were going well for Hard Memories; so far it had won Best Makeup, Best Cinematography and Best Editing (the last of which greatly relieved Roland — at least he wouldn't be going home empty handed). Best Score got away, which I thought was fair; Julian's score was good but not all that good.

"It's time for the screenplay awards," Miranda said.

Best Original Screenplay first. Keanu Reeves read off the nominations, which struck me as mildly ironic. The winner was Ted Fletcher, who wrote Pocket Change . Ted, hyped up on too much caffeine and nicotine, started on an extended riff about Nietzsche. The orchestra leader, clearly not impressed, cut him off after thirty seconds.

"Good call," Miranda said, as Ted was manhandled off the stage.

"Well, you know," I said. "It's probably the only time he'll be in front of a billion people," I said. "You can see why he might get a little excited."

"All the more reason to get him off the air quickly," Miranda said. "I'd hate to go through life with people pointing at me and saying, 'Hey, aren't you the idiot that made a fool of yourself on the Oscar show?' Rob Lowe has never lived down that dance with Snow White, you know."

Keanu was back, mangling names for the Best Adapted Screenplay. He appeared to give himself a papercut opening the envelope. Sucking on his finger, he announced the winners: Connie Reiser & Larry Card, Hard Memories.

"Bingo," I said.

"Four for five," Miranda said. "We're not doing too bad. I think Michelle actually has a chance."

"Oh, God," I said. "I wish you hadn't said that, Miranda. My stomach just dropped down the Marianas trench."

Miranda patted my hand. "Relax, Tom," she said. "It's been covered, remember. Even if she doesn't win Best Actress, she'll be on stage right after to show the Hard Memories nomination clip. It'll be fine."

"I know, I know," I said. "But it's not optimal, you know. It would be better if she won."

"Duh," Miranda said. "But, unfortunately, we couldn't bribe the accountants from Price, Waterhouse. We'll just have to hope the voters don't decide to give it to Meryl Streep again."

"Meryl Streep," I muttered. "She oughta be disqualified from future nominations."

Miranda patted my hand again. "Tom, you're just so cute when you're agitated."

Last year's Best Actor winner stepped on the stage to announce the Best Actress award.

"He wears a wig," I said to Miranda. "I hear it's one of those ones with the snap-on titanium screws."

"Oh, hush," Miranda said.

The usual lame patter, then he stared intently into the teleprompter to read names. They started with Michelle's. They ended with Meryl's. Alphabetical order works that way, I suppose.

Miranda's hand found mine again. She squeezed it so tight I thought a bone might pop. I would have complained, but I was squeezing hers just as hard. Our mutual pain was so intense that we barely heard our former Best Actor begin and the Oscar goes to......

"Michelle Beck."

We heard that part.

The room erupted into applause and a standing ovation. They loved her. It was her moment. They had no idea just how true it was.

Michelle stood up. She was sitting next to Carl Lupo. Carl stood up with her, kissed her on the cheek. He was crying. Only four other people in the building knew exactly why.

Michelle made her way to the podium like a queen. She was wearing a golden dress of a design that no one had ever seen before. Joan Rivers had asked her about it up out on the red carpet before the show. Michelle responded that the designer was no one that anyone around here would know. Joan remarked that it fit Michelle like a second skin. Others agreed. They had no idea how true that was, either.

Michelle accepted her award and a peck from the former Best Actor. Then she plopped the Oscar down on the podium and, beaming, waited for the applause to die down. It took a while. Then she began to speak.

"Oh God," Miranda said. "This is really it."

"Before I do anything else," Michelle said, "I need to thank one person, my agent, Tom Stein. He's way up there in the balcony. Hi Tom!" She waved enthusiastically, which got a big laugh. I waved back.

"Shut up and get to it before the orchestra cuts you off," I muttered under my breath.

"Tom's probably muttering at me to get to it before the orchestra cuts me off," Michelle said. "He always did look out for me.

"This award means more to me than you could ever know," Michelle continued. "It's not just my award. It's the award of Rachel Spiegelman, who saw hatred of the demonized 'Other' destroy her world, and dedicated the rest of her life to making sure that we saw men, all men, as brothers, regardless of their color or their creed.

"It belongs to Avika Spiegelman, who looked beyond my physical appearance to allow me to take the role of a lifetime. It belongs to those who initially protested my getting this role, because they came and gave me a chance to perform it, and realized that while I did not match Rachel's appearance, I did match her heart. Over and over again, I have seen people of all stripes look beyond the appearance, look beyond the otherness, and see what it was that truly connected us all.

"And now I'm wondering if you, all of you, every one of the billion people worldwide who are watching this show, can take one more step.

"You see," Michelle said, "I am not who you think I am. I am not what you think I am. This face is a mask. This body is a pose. Who I am and what I am is something you have never experienced before."

At this point, people had begun to start whispering. Some of them were worried that Michelle was about to launch into some odd New Age screed about togetherness. Still others began to wonder if Michelle was going to use this worldwide podium to announce she was a lesbian or a Scientologist. But some noticed that the bottom of Michelle's dress had suddenly gone crystal clear. And so, for that matter, had Michelle's legs.

"I'm wondering," Michelle said. "This award tells me that you believe I have reached into myself and touched some fundamental humanity, some common bond that ties us all together. But could I reach into myself and find this fundamental humanity if I were not human?"