David Gerrold - When HARLIE Was One

NO, IT’S NOT THAT. SHE SMILED AT ME THE NEXT MORNING AT WORK. KIND OF A SECRET SMILE, AS IF WE WERE BOTH SHARING SOMETHING SPECIAL.

DID YOU SMILE BACK?

YES. Pause. WELL, NOT RIGHT AWAY. FIRST, I WAS PUZZLED. THEN I SMILED BACK.

DID SHE SEE YOU SMILE?

YES.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE SHE WINKED. IT WAS IN THE HALLWAY. WE WERE WALKING IN TWO DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, AND BECAUSE THERE WERE OTHER PEOPLE AROUND, WE COULDN’T STOP TO TALK.

IF YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED TO TALK, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE SAID?

OH, I DON’T KNOW, I GUESS I WOULD HAVE THANKED HER.

THANKED HER? AS IF SHE WERE SOME OBJECT THAT YOU HAD USED FOR YOUR OWN GRATIFICATIONS?

NO. I MEAN, I WOULD HAVE TOLD HER HOW MUCH I HAD ENJOYED THE NIGHT BEFORE.

I SEE.

Auberson waited for HARLIE to respond further. He thought back to the morning in question, tried to remember the incident in greater detail. What color dress had Annie been wearing? Green? Had she been wearing perfume? Yes, it had been that musky-sweet smell — a sense of sun and sand and sweet powder. Even now, he could detect a hint of it in the air, a subtle trace of her visit this morning.

Abruptly, HARLIE asked, WHAT IF YOU HAD HAD TO APOLOGIZE TO HER?

HUH?

IF YOU HAD HAD TO APOLOGIZE TO HER INSTEAD, FOR WHAT REASON WOULD IT HAVE BEEN?

APOLOGIZE? I DON’T — He stopped in mid-sentence as the thought came flooding back. Yes, there had been something. He could remember it now, the hurt longing look on her face as he kissed her goodbye.

THERE IS SOMETHING, ISN’T THERE? prompted the typer.

YES. I LEFT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. SHE WANTED ME TO STAY ALL NIGHT, BUT I BEGGED OFF. I TOLD HER THAT I WANTED TO, BUT I’D HAVE TO COME TO WORK EARLY IN THE MORNING AND I’D NEVER GET HERE IN TIME. I FELT BAD ABOUT LEAVING. I ALWAYS FEEL BAD ABOUT LEAVING A GIRL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT LIKE THAT. IT MAKES IT FEEL LIKE ALL WE’VE DONE IS GET TOGETHER FOR SEX — AND ONCE I’VE HAD IT, THE EVENING IS OVER FOR ME AND I CAN GO HOME.

WHY DIDN’T YOU SLEEP THERE? DIDN’T YOU WANT TO?

YES, I DID — BUT I HAD TO BE AT WORK IN THE MORNING.

THAT WAS YOUR REASON?

YES.

ARE YOU SURE IT WASN’T YOUR RATIONALIZATION?

HUH?

YOU WERE HAVING DOUBTS. SLEEPING WITH HER WAS THE SOURCE OF THOSE DOUBTS. YOU HAD TO REMOVE THOSE DOUBTS, SO YOU REMOVED YOURSELF FROM THE SOURCE. UNFORTUNATELY, AUBERSON, THE SOURCE OF THESE PARTICULAR DOUBTS (AS EVIDENCED BY YOUR QUERIES TO ME) CANNOT BE THAT EASILY REMOVED FROM YOUR LIFE. AND LET ME ASK YOU THIS — DO YOU REALLY WANT TO REMOVE THAT SOURCE?

NO. I JUST WANT TO REMOVE THE DOUBTS. I WANT TO KNOW ONE WAY OR THE OTHER HOW I FEEL ABOUT HER.

HOW DO YOU FEEL?

I DON’T KNOW.

YOU SAID YOU ENJOYED SLEEPING WITH HER. WOULD YOU ENJOY SLEEPING WITH HER AGAIN?

YES. PROBABLY.

YOU’RE NOT SURE?

HARLIE, YOU’RE BADGERING ME. I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T KNOW.

MAYBE YOU DO KNOW AND DON’T WANT TO ADMIT IT.

HARLIE, A LITTLE PSYCHOLOGY IS A DANGEROUS THING. I KNOW ENOUGH TO KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TRYING TO DO. IT WON’T WORK. THE AWARENESS OF A PSYCHOLOGICAL PRESSURE IS SOMETIMES ENOUGH TO NULLIFY IT. THE MERE AWARENESS.

ALL RIGHT. The computer was nonplussed. LET’S TRY SOMETHING ELSE. WHAT DID YOU DO AFTER YOU EXPERIENCED ORGASM?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

DID YOU CONTINUE HOLDING HER AND STROKING HER, OR DID YOU ROLL OFF?

Auberson’s first reaction was to tell HARLIE to go to hell. Then he realized something else, I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE UNFAMILIAR WITH LOVE.

I AM. I AM DRAWING NOW UPON THE EXPERIENCES OF OTHERS, DERIVED FROM NOVELS AND PSYCHOLOGY TEXTS. ALSO REFERENCE BOOKS ON SEXUAL TECHNIQUES.

OH.

SO WHAT DID YOU DO? the machine queried again. DID YOU KEEP LOVING HER, OR DID YOU ROLL OFF WHEN YOU WERE THROUGH?

THAT’S AN AWFULLY CLINICAL QUESTION.

IT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION. AND WHY DO YOU KEEP AVOIDING IT? YOUR ANSWER WILL INDICATE YOUR FEELINGS TOWARD HER, YOUR REAL FEELINGS. HOW IMPORTANT WAS HER SATISFACTION TO YOU? DID YOU STAY ON OR DID YOU ROLL OFF?

BOTH.

BOTH? IF I HAD AN EYEBROW, I WOULD RAISE IT.

WELL, WE HELD ONTO EACH OTHER FOR A LONG TIME. SHE HELD ON TO ME MOSTLY. I DIDN’T TRY TO DISENTANGLE MYSELF.

WHY? DID YOU THINK IT WOULD BE IMPOLITE?

NO. IT FELT GOOD TO BE THERE WITH HER. AND BESIDES, SHE WAS CRYING.

CRYING?

SHE BEGGED ME NOT TO HURT HER.

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

WELL, I THINK SHE’S A LITTLE LIKE ME. SHE’S BEEN HURT TOO OFTEN BY TOO MANY PEOPLE BECAUSE SHE’S LET DOWN HER WALLS TOO MUCH. NOW SHE’S AFRAID TO BECAUSE SHE’S AFRAID THAT SHE’LL ONLY GET HURT AGAIN.

AND WHAT DID YOU DO?

NOTHING. I JUST KEPT HOLDING ON TO HER.

DID YOU TELL HER YOU WOULDN’T HURT HER?

UM, NOT IN SO MANY WORDS. I THINK I SAID SOMETHING LIKE, “THERE, THERE, IT’S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.”

RATHER UNIMAGINATIVE.

HARLIE, HUMAN BEINGS HAVE BEEN MAKING LOVE FOR THOUSANDS OF GENERATIONS — I DOUBT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING NEW THAT ONE HUMAN BEING COULD SAY TO ANOTHER.

YOU ARE PROBABLY CORRECT. THE ODDS FAVOR IT.

ANYWAY. I STAYED THERE TILL SHE STOPPED CRYING. THEN I GOT UP AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. AND WHILE I WAS IN THE BATHROOM, I DECIDED NOT TO GET BACK IN BED BUT TO GO HOME.

I SEE.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, HARLIE? DO I LOVE HER OR NOT?

I DON’T KNOW.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WOULD BE ABLE TO TELL BY MY ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION.

I’M SORRY, I CAN’T. YOUR ANSWER WAS TOO VAGUE, TOO MUCH IN THE MUDDLE IN THE MIDDLE. THINGS ARE NOT DEFINED IN INTENSITIES OF BLACK AND WHITE, BUT IN VARIATIONS OF INTENSITIES AND DIFFERENCES IN SHADES AND COLORS AND TEXTURES. I CAN’T TELL. THIS IS NOT AS SIMPLE AS I (EXPECTED) (THOUGHT) (HOPED) IT WOULD BE. I BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND YOUR DOUBTS, AUBERSON. LOVE IS A VERY COMPLEX THING. YOU THINK YOU DO AND YOU THINK YOU DON’T AND THERE IS EVIDENCE TO SUPPORT BOTH CONCLUSIONS. BUT NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO PROVE EITHER.

RIGHT.

SO WE ARE BACK WHERE WE STARTED, AUBERSON. WHAT IS LOVE?

I WISH I KNEW, HARLIE. I WISH I KNEW.

Handley came up shortly before lunch, and the two of them adjourned to the company cafeteria. Auberson amused himself with something that resembled spaghetti and meatballs. Handley had a broiled hockey puck on a bun. Ketchup didn’t help.

Handley took a sip of his coffee. “ Look , Aubie, before you begin, there’s something I have to talk to you about.”

Auberson held up his hand to stop him, but Handley ignored it. “It’s about HARLIE,” he continued. “I think he’s out of control.”

Auberson tried to cut him off. “Don—”

“Look, Aubie, I know how you feel about him — but believe me. I wouldn’t be saying this unless I were sure.”

“Don—”

“I first began to suspect it when he printed out those specs. I got curious how he could print out and deliver so many. Then when I found he’d printed them out on the spot, I—”

“Don, I know.”

“Huh?”

“I said, I know. I’ve known for some time.”

“What? How?”

“HARLIE told me.”

“He did?”

“More or less,” Auberson said. “I had to know what questions to ask.”

“Mm.” Handley considered that. More thoughtfully, he said, “Just how much do you know, Aubie?”

Auberson told him. He told how he too had become curious about the G.O.D. Machine printouts, how HARLIE had explained his ability to control the Master Beast and use any printout unit in the company, and finally how that meant one could converse with him from any magtyper or CRT unit in the system. “I can talk to HARLIE from my own office,” he added.

Handley nodded. “That explains it I’d been wondering why you haven’t been down to talk to HARLIE this week — thought maybe you two weren’t on speaking terms. Now I understand.”