Kir Bulychev - Alice - The Girl From Earth

“The illustration does not appear every day on these stamps, only one even numbered days.” The fat man said.

“And what about the second stamp.”

“On the second? There won’t be anything on the second. It’s been cancelled.”

“Then what’s the use of collecting it?” I was astonished.

“That is a very rare stamp. The inhabitants of Sheshineru don’t like writing letters, so very nearly all the stamps from their planet turn out to be unused. But empty stamps are very rare. Your daughter did very well in getting such a rarity.”

Having said that the fat man waved his hand and hurried off into the maze of collectors.

We were almost lost in the maze of subdivisions and separate markets into which the Bazar had been divided. But then, ahead of us, we heard the cries of birds, the growling of animals and the chittering of insects. We came out into a square covered with cages, aquaria, fish ponds, and other enclosures. We had finally found our way to the section of the bazar which dealt with live animals from all over the Galaxy.

Even I, an experienced cosmobiologist, had extreme difficulty figuring out what, exactly, we were looking at. The animals and birds were so diverse, and their keepers, handlers, buyers and sellers were just as diverse, that I began our journey with a gross error. I walked up to a dark blue avianoid who stood on three, two meter long legs. A chain stretched from his master an alien completely unknown to me who resembled a multicolored sphere. I asked the sphere how much his beautiful bird cost, and it was the bird who answered me in superb InterGal:

“I am not for sale. But if you desire I can sell you the multihued little sphereoid. And I trust you will not insult me again.”

It turned out I had erred as to who was holding whom on a chain. Around us the traders and collectors burst into laughter, which made the avianoid even more annoyed and he pecked me on the head with his long beak

I backed away quickly; the avianoid appeared to be gathering his anger and getting ready for a second blow.

“Papa.” Alice said. “Come here. Look, how interesting.”

I tore myself away from a display of crystal bugs which we had long wanted to get for the Zoo and turned to her.

Alice had stopped in front of a large, empty aquarium. A little stool stood beside it. On the stool sat a dwarf.

“Look, papa, this man is selling such interesting creatures.”

“I don’t see anything at all.” I admitted. “The aquarium is empty.

The little fellow sighed sadly and wiped away a tear.

“You’re not the first.” He said. “You’re not the first.”

“What is it you have in there?” I asked politely. “Microorganisms.”

“No, that’s a horrible idea!” The dwarf said. “I’m going. I can’t stand it any more.”

“Papa,” Alice whispered so loudly that she could be heard ten meters off, “he has invisible flying fish. He told me so himself.”

“Invisible.”

“The little lady is right.” The dwarf said. “All I have are rather ordinary, invisible fish.”

“That is very interesting.” I said. “And just how do you go about catching them?”

“With nets.” The dwarf said. “Invisible nets. The fish fly around all over and they crash into the invisible nets, and I take them home.”

“And could I hold one?” I asked.

“Hold?” The dwarf was totally amazed. “And just how would you hold one?”

“With my hands.”

“But you won’t be able to hold it?”

“Why?”

“Because these flying fish are very slippery. They slip away the moment you touch them. Don’t you believe me?”

I did not answer. Then the dwarf threw up his hands and exclaimed,

“Oh, all right. Take a look, as much as you want, let it be on your head! Do whatever you want. Diminish me, insult me!”

The dwarf raised the edge of a large net from off the aquarium, grabbed me tightly by the hand and put my hand into the aquarium.

“Well? He shouted. “Is that proof enough? Don’t you understand you’re not going to catch anything!”

My hands felt only the empty water. There were no fish in the aquarium at all.

“There is nothing here.” I said.

“Well, there, you see it?” The dwarf turned to the crowd of curious onlookers who had gathered, tears pouring forth. “He is convinced that the fish are so slippery they can never be caught, yet he does not want to admit it.”

I pulled the netting back and ran my hands through the water of the empty aquarium when the dwarf started to shout anew:

“He has released all of my fish! He has let them all escape! How could I have suspected he would remove the net from my aquarium? I am pennyless! Now I am ruined!”

The surrounding crowd murmured and grumbled and growled in twenty languages and looked at me with severe condemnation.

Even Alice said,

“How could you, papa?”

“Don’t you people understand?” I addressed the crowd that had surrounded us, “There never was anything inside the aquarium, ever!”

“And how would you know that?” A tiger striped, white moustached inhabitant of the planet Ikes asked me. “What if he’s right? What if there are invisible fish that cannot be caught? How can we prove that he is not telling the truth?”

“That’s right.” An Audity supported him. “Why would someone fly here from another planet with an empty aquarium?”

“So he can sell its non-existent contents every day.” I said.

No one at all was listening to me.

And so I was forced to pay the sad dwarf for ten rare fish. The dwarf hadn’t even waited for my rapid surrender and was deeply moved, overcome with gratitude, and promised me that were he ever to catch another invisible fish he would certainly bring it to me. And when we were getting ready to leave, he said:

“Little girl, permit me, I have a small gift for you.”

“Of course.” Alice said. “I would be delighted.

“Take this.”

The dwarf reached inside his pocket and withdrew his empty hand, his palm cupped as though it contained something, and showed it to Alice:

“This,” He said, “is an invisible hat. Take it, but don’t be afraid. I love giving good people priceless gifts. But you must be careful. The hat is woven of such a fine thread that it weighs nothing and cannot even be felt.”

Alice thanked the scoundrel and pretended to place the gift in her bag, and we went on.

Suddenly I found that an incomprehensible creature had gotten itself underfoot. It looked like a furry ball on sticks and was about knee high. The being’s remarkable coloring ranged from bright red to whitish speckles, like a toadstool.

“Hold him, Dad!” Alice shouted. “He’s running away.”

“I’m not so sure.” I said, finally putting my wallet into my pocket. “Maybe that’s not one of the animals but the collector chasing after an animal that’s got away. If I grab hold of him he’ll call the police complaining that I insulted him because I didn’t guess he was sapient.”

But at the same time I caught sight of a fat, two headed snake in a shining, flowing space suit who was chasing after the red sphereoid in pursuit.

“Help me!” He shouted. “The Empathicator’s fled!”

The red ball tried to hide itself behind my legs, but the snake extended one of a hundred thin extensors attached to its side and grabbed the fugitive. The later immediately changed color from red to yellow and braced itself on its straight little legs.

“Pardon me,” I said to the fat snake. “Just what is this animal.”

“Nothing interesting.” The snake said. “We have lots of them on my planet. We call them empathciators. They can’t talk, so instead tey change their color in accordance with their moods. They have a lot of very interesting shades. Do you have any sugar cubes with you?”