John Ringo - There Will Be Dragons

“There wasn’t much clean to wipe it with,” Herzer admitted, swallowing as he remembered the remnants of the skirmish. “Kane’s bringing the other horses and the bodies in. I’m supposed to report to Mayor Talbot.”

“It’s Baron Edmund ,” Deann said. “They passed the Constitution of the Free States while you were gone. And guess who one of the first nobles chosen by acclaim was?”

“Oh,” Herzer said, working the name around. “I think… that fits. Somehow.”

“Demoted to baron has he been?” Bast said with a laugh. “Fits him not, methinks. Duke, aye, King even, Baron? I think not.”

“Well, time to report to the baron anyway,” Herzer said, walking towards the town hall.

The guards at the doors were holding back a crowd but they passed him through with a nod of recognition and surprise. “I thought you was dead?” one of the guards said as Herzer heard his name muttered in the crowd. Something about that made his blood run cold.

“Close, but not yet.”

Inside the council chamber was a strange sight. Most of the council had apparently been tossed out and it was only Gunny, Daneh, swollen with her pregnancy, Rachel and Baron Edmund gathered around something on the table. As Herzer approached he realized it was a rabbit. To be precise a flop-eared brown and white rabbit. It had a harness on, which was heavily hung with small weapons ranging from a knife the size of a fingernail all the way up to a pistol crossbow. He thought at first it was some sort of toy or joke until Bast hissed.

“Oh, By Wood and Water!” she snapped angrily. “What is that doing here?”

“Hya, Wood Bitch,” the rabbit said in a high tenor, looking over his shoulder and nibbling at his back. “I could say the same of you.”

“Herzer,” Daneh said, rushing over and then stopping at the sight of his armor. “Good God, Herzer, what have you been doing?”

“Survivin’,” Gunny said. “Welcome back, Triari.”

“Glad to be here, Gunny,” Herzer said with a nodded head at the un-demotion. “Doctor, Rachel, Baron Edmund.”

“You heard,” Edmund said with a nod. “What do you have to report?”

“We were approaching the Bellevue grade when we were ambushed by a large force of archers. They were obscured by trees so that I could not get an accurate count. We were pursued by a small group of six horsemen and ran into another group of infantry. Barsten had been hit by an arrow in the first ambush and was slain in the second. I dismounted and engaged the enemy there and slew those that remained. I then engaged the horsemen that had pursued us and was more or less saved by Bast.”

“He says only the half of it,” Bast laughed. “ ‘Slew those that remained’ he says. Aye, all six against only him, then took down one of the horsemen by bounding off the cliff did he. Was well on his way to winning, bowmen and all, when I decided he’d simply had enough fun for one day.”

“Well done, Triari,” Gunny said with a nod.

“I haven’t had opportunity to clean my armor, yet, Gunny, sorry,” Herzer said, then looked at Rachel as she laughed.

“Just this once I’ll let it pass,” Gunny said with what looked suspiciously like a smile.

“It seems, Herzer, that we have a report from the enemy camp itself,” Baron Edmund said dryly.

“The… rabbit?” Herzer asked.

“No rabbit that,” Bast spat. “Demon of chaos. Bringer of discord.”

“Thanks for all the compliments, sweet-cakes,” the rabbit replied. “But, yeah, I came from those bozos that ambushed you. I watched ’em go and then got myself.”

“Why?” Edmund asked.

“Look, it’s a rabbit-eat-rabbit world, right?” the rabbit said, bending to scratch behind his ear. “So I hear there’s some mighty army of evil forming, right? And I figure ‘Hey, I’m evil. This could be fun.’ But… lord they’re screwed up. Evil is supposed to have its shit together. I mean, we’re the bad guys, sure, but we don’t have to be stupid about it. Not these bozos. They’re violating every rule in the book. All the way up to the funky face-obscuring helmets and one-size-fits-all armor.”

“Yes, and burning out towns and farms,” Edmund said, grimly.

“No, that’s just part of the job, you know? But these guys are like total idiots. I keep telling them, it’s rape, loot, pillage and burn. Can they get the order right? No. Then they violated the Deal.”

“What Deal?” Rachel asked, fascinated. “And… rape?” she added angrily.

“Well, not per se,” the rabbit said. “I mean, I’m a rabbit. The best I can be is really affectionate, if you know what I mean,” he sighed and looked positively dejected for a moment then brightened. “And, let me make this perfectly clear, at no time have I been with these guys when they have been doing any of that stuff. I wouldn’t sully my good name with those idiots.”

“What good name?” Bast scoffed. “Are a most hated bunny.”

“Sure, but I’m good at being hated,” the bunny replied. “I’m made that way. If I can let somebody fall in the soup by inaction it’s my priority . And if I can push them that’s even better. But I do it smart . Not stupid .”

“So your job is to be evil?” Daneh said, carefully. “So you’re a construct. AI?”

“Do I look like a nonsentient to you?” the bunny scoffed. “High- end AI, thank you.”

“You must be old. A construct like you would be banned under current protocols.”

“One of the first,” Bast spat. “In the AI war was. Both sides.”

“Hey, my job is causing discord. That and watching Baywatch. Okay, and killing telemarketers. Causing discord, watching Baywatch and killing telemarketers. That’s my job. Oh, and trying to kill Santa Claus which is REALLY HARD WITH A MYTH,” he shouted as if at the universe.

“What is Baywatch ?” Herzer asked.

“What’s a telemarketer?” Rachel asked in turn.

“Jeeze, kids these days,” the rabbit sighed. “I swear, if I ever find a time machine I’m going back to the twentieth century and neutering some guy named Pete Abrams. With a spoon.”

“So what was the Deal?” Edmund asked, again.

“All the alfalfa hay I can eat and a big-titted blonde,” the rabbit said immediately. “I’m willing to change sides since they went south on the Deal.”

“No big-titted blonde?” Edmund asked, raising an eyebrow.

“They ran out of alfalfa,” the rabbit said bitterly. “Wanted it for their horses can you believe it? And their damned smith was all the time following me around, trying to find out if I had a security hole that he could crack. The guy was a fisking idiot; I was made at the height of the most complex and paranoid period of the whole history of civilization. No modern bozo can crack my code!”

Bast looked at him for a long moment and then leaned forward. “ Burrow, ” she said.

The rabbit looked up at her in surprise and flinched. “Not good enough, Wood Bitch,” he gasped.

“Burrow,” she said again then leaned forward and whispered something in his ear.

“CURSES!” he shouted. “Damn you, Wood Bitch!”

“I take it you now are required to answer more precisely,” Edmund said with a grin. “How many?”

“A bit over a five hundred,” the rabbit said with a glare at Bast.

“Five hundred?” Herzer gasped.

“Yeah, that camp of theirs you found was only the vanguard,” the rabbit said. “They spotted you guys and set up the ambush. But you made it out. Incompetent, like I said.”

“How are they armed?” Edmund said as if the news didn’t surprise him. “And where are they getting the materials to support a force that size?”