Gene Wolfe - An Evil Guest

It was not. The timber road joined the neglected side road, she tripled the speed of the black car, and the onetime body shop where they had left Gideon’s rented coupe came into view. She pulled the black car alongside it, leaving room enough for him to open his door.

He got out while she was still fiddling with her seat belt. As his door closed, she said, “Ninety!”

The black car shot ahead, its acceleration pushing her deep into the soft upholstery. For moments that seemed like forever, it was all she could do to steer. At last she said, “Fifty!”

The black car slowed to a speed that was almost sensible, and she smiled and relaxed. A minute or two later she tapped the computer screen. “Hey! Wake up!”

The screen remained dark.

“Come on, Sleepy!” She steered with her left hand while her right pressed keys at random. “On!”

A voice from the backseat — a voice that might almost have been the soughing of a weary wind — whispered, “Say ‘Computer.’ ”

Cassie stared into the rearview mirror, seeing nothing. “Who the heck are you?”

There was no reply.

The neglected side road joined the main road from which Gideon had turned, and that main road quickly became a suburban street. As she braked for a traffic light, she said, “Computer!”

Lights flickered across the screen. “Start-up comprete.” The computer spoke with the simulated voice of a Japanese woman. “How may I serve you?”

“I have questions about this car. Can you answer those?”

“Many, but of not are. What are your questions?”

A small voice near the dome light, secretive and somehow tinny, suggested, “Ask how to hop.”

“I haven’t found the turn signal. Where is it?”

“Turns are signared by brinking the rear rights and running rights.”

“But how do I do it?”

“You do not. The hopper does it.”

“You?”

“No, the hopper. Thus they are operative when I am off.”

“It knows when I’m about to turn?”

“It knows when it is about to turn.”

“I — see. Can you provide coffee? Or tea?”

“Which would you prefer?”

A deep voice behind her suggested, “Ask for whiskey.”

“Tea, please. Hot tea. Diet sweetener, if you have it. Milk, if you have that.”

“I do not. Cream?”

Cassie shook her head, and the tinny voice near the dome light remarked, “She can’t see you.”

Cassie nodded. “But you can. What’s your name, computer lady?”

“Your servant is Com Pu Ter.”

“Got it. Just sweetener in my tea, please. No cream.”

An instrument vanished and her cup appeared, extended by a simple gripper. It was very good, and almost too hot to drink.

“Com Pu Ter? I want to ask about the windows. How do I put them down?”

The tinny voice giggled. “Bad windows! You’re dirty! You’re scratched!”

The computer asked, “Manuarry, automaticarry, or orarry?”

“The easiest way.” Gideon’s caramel coupe had appeared in Cassie’s rearview mirror.

“Ask me to.”

“Then put down the one nearest me. Would that be Window A?” Pushing hard on the accelerator, she beat the next traffic light, crossing the intersection on amber.

“Yes.” The window at her elbow slid down swiftly and silently.

“Thanks, Com Pu Ter. There are voices in here — ”

The tinny one near the dome light giggled.

“Three, anyway. Maybe more. Can you tell me who they are?”

“Your servant is Com Pu Ter, a Revel One artificiar interrigence, a product of Yokosuka Bell Raboratories. The rest I do not hear.”

“You can say ‘Bell.’”

“Arso many more things.”

“One of you others say something. I want Com Pu Ter to hear you.”

The tinny voice giggled again, but did not speak.

When she stopped at the next traffic light, the caramel coupe pulled up beside her. Its right front window was already down; through it, Gideon called, “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine!” Cassie gave him the thumbs-up sign. “You’re just in time. Lead the way to the rental agency. I’ll follow you.”

He gave her a look that should — were justice ever to prevail on planet Earth — have fried her. His right front window slid up.

WHEN Cassie was settled in the passenger seat of the black hopper and they had pulled out of the rental agency lot, she asked, “You know how to get to my hotel?”

“Certainly.” Gideon paused, apparently to bring himself under control. “I have questions.”

“Fire away. The Amazing Cassiopeia knows all, tells all.”

“Where did you get that tea?”

“Your Japanese lady gave it to me. She makes good tea.”

“I know. You weren’t supposed to turn on the computer. You promised me you wouldn’t.”

“That is not a question, O seeker of wisdom, but the Astonishing Cassiopeia will answer anyway. Just don’t push your luck. You’re right, I promised not to turn on your computer. You’re wrong, I didn’t. I happened to say the word computer , and wham-o! Here she was, and she made tea for me.”

“You merely chanced to say ‘computer’?”

“Bingo. I was chatting with one of those invisible people in your rear seat. They really opened up once you were gone. He — I think it was the man, but it may have been the bug up on the roof. He started talking about your computer. I was talking to him about it, so of course I used the word computer . Alakazam! Here was this Japanese lady — voice only — asking what she could do for me. So I said how ’bout some tea? and she made this for me. Next question?”

“You didn’t warp?”

“Nope. I wouldn’t know how.”

“Or hop?”

“Without warping up first? You know darned well you would have heard me if I had.” Cassie took a final sip from her plastic cup. “Where do I put this?”

“Just drop it on the floor. I’ll get it later.”

“Seems terribly messy. Can’t I drop it in back?” She did. “They’re really quiet back there now.”

“If they are wise, they’ll keep it like that. Am I still going up to your room?”

“Well, I certainly hope so. If Ebony couldn’t make it, I was going to phone Donny Duke. Don’t look at me like that, Gid.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Fine. Who would you call? Wally, sure, only Wally’s not available. Vince? He’s creepy enough when there are other people around.”

“India, perhaps.”

“Point A. She’d take up three-quarters of the bed. Point B. She and Ebony are splitting a room. Ebony says she snores — which I can easily believe. Point C. Since they’re together in the room she’d know right off that she was second choice.”

“How about Tabbi Merce?”

Cassie shook her head. “I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Let me think... Because of Norma?”

“Yes. Let’s talk about something else.”

“The voices didn’t bother you?”

“They were kind of nice, really. Gave me somebody to talk to.”

“I keep underestimating you.” Gideon sounded a trifle awed.

“I’m glad somebody does. There’s my hotel, on the right and a block and a half.”

“I know. We need to find a public garage where I can park this myself.”

Cassie smiled as she struggled into her wool coat.

When her wake-up call came at eleven, he was gone. There was a note on his pillow:

I will never forget this night, Cassie. Never.

Please remember that we must hop to Kololahi this afternoon. You have to pack. Do not leave anything behind, because I will not be available to hop back and get it for you. You will want to check out of the hotel.

Bring money. You can change U.S. dollars for Australian there. Everybody takes Aus. You will need to buy tropical clothing, a lot of it. Fortunately it is inexpensive.