Peter Prellwitz - Shards Book One

"I… I… what's happened to me?? My voice sounded exactly like my voice. But it also sounded like a young girl's.

"Pretty much everything that Doctor Barrett told you. I don't know what detail he went into, but I can guess it was the regular history. But I'm sure you mean, why are you a little girl? Not so little, maybe. But a girl. Right?? I nodded.? Well, since I was the lead researcher and am now your counselor, I can tell you quite a bit. I'll start with the most obvious and normal question asked by every 'Cue: What's the date? Today is November 13th, 2676. And yes, we're using the same calendar. Now how about you get dressed while I keep talking?"

She reached out a gentle hand. I thought about it, then took it. As she helped me out of the bed, I could feel a confusion of emotions churning in me. As the old me, I felt a little silly being helped in this way, so delicately. Yet as I was now, it also felt reassuring and more than a little wanted. The comfort I had felt before I was aware that I was… I was… that comfort was gone.

She helped me down without making me feel too self-conscious, careful to touch only my hands and arms. Once I was on my feet, she kept one hand on my elbow and leaned over and picked up a shiny duffel bag at her feet. She plopped it up on the bed and opened it somehow. It was without seam or opening, but it did her bidding better that any zipper. She chatted cheerfully as she pulled out the clothing.

"I thought you might want to borrow some of my clothes. I'm a little bigger than you, and I'm afraid they're dark to match my color, but these are the best we can do right now. Your clothing was lost in a skirmish yester…? She broke off, looking at me. My face had gone white, and now was turning very warm

"I… I… can't wear those!? She held in her hand a black bra and a pair of black panties that had a pretty design and even a little lace. Pretty design? Why had I thought that?

"Yes, you can. And yes, you will. Do you want to keep wearing that gown?? I shook my head.? Then this is what I have. Believe me, there's nothing wrong with you wearing these. This is what girls wear,?

she said with a smile. I had to admit it was an infectious smile.? Unless you want me to scrounge up one of the men's underwear. Maybe Lieutenant Sanchez?? she giggled.? I'm sure he wouldn't mind. But you'd have your hands full, holding your pants up."

Despite myself and the situation, I had to smile slightly.? No, I suppose you're right. But this is very difficult."

She nodded.? I'd like to tell you I understand. Of course I can't. To go from being a man one moment-for you-and then wake up like this. It has got to be hard. I wish I could make it different. It won't be so bad, though. Please believe that. Now, try these on."

I took the panties she offered me and tried them on under my gown. I had not expected something so small to fit, and they didn't quite. They weren't too small-they were too big. I had to admit though that while my burning ears gave away my embarrassment at having something so feminine on, they felt nice.

She handed me the bra, and I'm sure my face took on the shade of my crimson ears. To put this on, I'd have to disrobe. I hesitated, looking the thing over. I didn't really want to put it on, and certainly not in front of someone, even Susie. Yet I also knew I should. This was quickly becoming overwhelming again.

I started to breathe faster.

"What's wrong?? Susie asked, concern in her voice.

"Uhhh… well… it's just that the underpants are one thing. I've worn them, of course. Though not quite the same cut. But this…? I held up the bra.

"Well, honestly! Just ask, silly!? she spoke firmly, but her tone was friendly. She snatched the bra from my hands, and before I could so much as choke from embarrassment, she pulled off my gown and dropped it to the floor. She stepped behind me and reached her arms around my front.? Here, it goes on like this. It holds in the front just like so, and the strap adjustments work like this. Settle down! If you squirm around, we won't get it fitted right!? I felt a firm tugging and a kind of snug, comfortable support where I'd never needed it before.? There! Now turn around.? I did and she inspected me closely.? It's still a little big, and I've adjusted it as small as it will go. But don't worry, you'll fill out soon enough. You'll probably even be bigger than-? she broke off and brought a hand to her mouth, realizing her mistake.

I felt tears welling up. I started to sob, and she pulled me to her again, apologizing over and over. It was as though I had no control over myself. I had never felt emotions this vibrant, this powerful before. I was helpless to them. Even while I cried, I realized that embarrassing as this was, it was Susan who made it tolerable. While I sobbed like a baby, she somehow used one arm to hold me and the other to dress me.

After a few minutes, I became aware of her voice.

"Here. Let's sit down on the bed. I'll boost you. There!? Sitting on the edge of the bed, my shoulders still heaving a bit, I watched through misty eyes as she put on my socks and shoes. I felt so helpless. She smiled.? Now just let me sit beside you.? She hopped up next to me, our feet dangling over the side. I wiped the tears and tried to smile back. I nearly made it.

"Is this what it's going to be like from now on? Bawling my eyes out every time something happens?"

She shook her head.? Don't worry about that. You'll definitely get over it. You showed a lot of backbone and a lot of smarts back there in the hanger. I would have been terrified stupid, and I'm a soldier."

I partially succeeded in smiling this time.? If I'd have known I wasn't myself, I would have been scared stupid, too. I have no idea how I missed something so obvious. I guess it was the after effects of that Healer's Sleep."

She shook her head.? No, it's not that. Healer's Sleep does have some residual calming effects. If it didn't you might be a basket case now. But it doesn't warp your perception once you are up and about.

? She shot me a sly look.? Even when you weren't supposed to be up and about. How did you manage that?"

"It sounds kind of easy, but the simple fact is that I wanted to be out of here more than the Healer's Sleep wanted me on my back. Willpower. Or fear. Maybe both.? I didn't want to give away too much; it might come in handy again.

"I suppose.? She didn't sound at all convinced.? Still, we've never had anyone wake themselves up from Healer's Sleep quite like that."

"There's a first time for everything. You were talking about why I didn't spot that I'm no longer my father's spitting image…? The talking seemed to be helping; I had calmed down considerably. It also didn't hurt that the fatigues Susan gave me were a couple sizes too large and did wonders to hide my new bumps and curves. I couldn't put off dealing with them forever, but maybe a little longer.

"I'm sorry, you're right. Well, your body was a physical shell, grown in the physiomanufacturing complex about 2,000 kilometers from here, straight line. We…"

"You mean I'm a clone?"

"No! Definitely not! You are not a copy of anyone. You are as original as a newborn baby. Physically.

But your body was only living. It had no mental facilities, no cognizance, no persona. And it lacked that spark that made it alive."

"My soul, you mean."

"Yes, exactly.? She seemed pleased I had chosen that word.? It was a soulless thing. Into it we put you."

"But why a girl? And why so young?"

"A couple of reasons. One, although cognitive specialists like Doctor Barrett can reintegrate the original personas of detached ripes into a human form, there's no way to tell what that persona is like. We must rely on other means to determine the background, experiences, even the gender of that persona. In every case we've had, there were records available. Even the ones that went back 600 years to the first riping could be tracked down. I know, because that's what I do. But you were the special case. We couldn't find a single record on who you were or where you came from. So we had to guess.? She looked down.? We're terribly sorry. We had to guess, and one, maybe two of your alternate personas were female, so that's what we went with."