Guy Adams: The House That Jack Built: The House That Jack Built

'Don't be silly… I'll thank you not to suggest you've received anything but the very best of care here at Mercy Hill.'

'Wouldn't dream of it.' He gave a brief smile. 'Cross my heart and hope for a cardiac team on standby. So who do you think ratted you out?'

'It is not a question of being "ratted out", as you put it, Mr Martin. All care homes receive independent visits from time to time. You're just lucky that it was your name he picked out of his hat.'

'Aren't I just? The thrill is almost sexual.'

'No need for that sort of talk, Mr Martin.'

'No,' said Alexander, trying to see the line of her underwear through her uniform. 'Quite right.'

'Here he comes now.'

'Good morning, Alexander!' said the man walking across the lawn towards them. Alexander felt a momentary panic as he recognised the face (if not the white coat and casually dangled stethoscope). It took a second for a name to drop alongside that horribly perfect smile. Harkness… yes, that was it. Captain Jack Harkness. 'Morning to you too, of course, nurse,' Jack added, offering a small bow towards her. 'A beauty powerful enough to cure any ill.'

Nurse Sellers chuckled like a schoolgirl. Alexander rolled his eyes.

'You're too kind, doctor,' she replied. 'If only you were a regular visitor to our humble home.'

Jack stepped in close and smiled. 'Maybe you'll get to see a bit more of me down the line,' he winked.

Alexander sighed. 'If you don't mind?' he said. 'I believe he's here to see me.'

Nurse Sellers gave him a scathing look, not taking kindly to having her fun spoiled. 'Well, his time's precious, I'm sure,' she said. 'I know I wouldn't want to waste any of it.'

The inference that he was wasn't lost on Alexander, but Jack rescued the situation before it could descend into further argument. 'You're quite right, I have got a lot on today. Better give the old goat his onceover, eh?'

She smiled and strode towards the main house, her hips swinging so much it was a wonder she didn't snap her pelvis.

'Old goat?' Alexander sighed. 'Cheeky bugger.'

'You're just jealous,' Jack said, leaning against the tree. 'You'd love to whisk her away on your wheelchair and do unforgivable things to her in the bushes.'

Alexander refused to rise to this, not least because there was a degree of truth in it. Safest plan by far was just to change the subject. 'I thought I'd end up bumping into you sooner or later. When was it we last…?'

'Crossed paths?' Jack replied. 'Relative time's a nightmare. It was years ago for me… The Spice Bazaar on Velecerol. You were pretending to be some sort of health inspector, or was it customs official?'

'The customs official was on Balthazar. I impounded your ship, if you remember.'

Jack chuckled. 'That's right. You always did tend to bite off more than you could chew.'

'Nonsense.' Alexander reclined in his wheelchair and gazed up at the wafting leaves of the tree. 'I simply decided to let you have it back. It didn't suit my purposes…'

'Lucky me.'

'How did you know I was here? I was fairly certain I'd covered my tracks.'

'Pure luck…' Jack removed a small device from the pocket of his white coat, like a TV remote control but flatter. 'Spotted you at the hospital the other day.'

'Oh yes…' Alexander sighed. 'I can see how rampaging hordes of the living dead might have drawn Torchwood's attention rather.' He glanced towards Jack. 'Despite that lovely coat, you are working for Torchwood now, I believe?'

'Working for? Not quite… I'm running things here in Cardiff.'

'You always were an ambitious boy.' He pointed at the device in Jack's hand. 'What's that?'

Jack aimed the device at him, pressed a button and swept the sensor over Alexander's body. The machine beeped a couple of times as it processed the gathered information and he handed it over. 'I've got a job offer for you,' he said. 'This is the medical.'

Alexander scanned through the data Jack had captured. 'Core temperature twenty-four degrees, heart rate forty-six beats per minute… I'd say that was fine.'

'For a Kanatian. I hate to think what that nurse would make of these readings.'

'I have medication for that.' Alexander patted his pocket and there was the rattle of pills. 'If you'd swept that thing over me a minute or two later, my vital signs would have been within human norm. I took two before she wheeled me out here. I wasn't given much notice, otherwise I'd have taken them earlier. How do you think I've not been picked up by your lot sooner? Not all doctors are as untrained as you — excepting of course your no doubt encyclopaedic knowledge of genitalia.'

Jack smiled, unbundled the stethoscope from his pocket and huffed on the end of it. 'I have an excellent bedside manner at least.'

'You're mistaking patient interaction for pillow talk. What's the job offer?'

'I'm short a medical officer, wondered if you'd be willing to step in, as a temporary fix.'

'Let me guess, more post-mortems than I can shove a thermometer up?'

'Pretty much.'

'Sounds charming, but I'm far too busy here watching these crumbling idiots skip towards the grave.'

Jack looked at Trudy, still muttering in the undergrowth. 'I can see the appeal.'

Alexander followed his gaze. 'Careful. She's lived in Cardiff all her life, she's probably an ex-girlfriend.'

'Not my type.'

'Mad as a hatter and likely to whip her nightie off at the least provocation, I would have thought she was your only type.'

'Bitch.'

' Bastard , if you don't mind. How am I supposed to keep getting out of this place to see to these dead bodies of yours?'

'You're a creative man, you'll manage. Either that or let me set you up an apartment in town. It's not like you need to be here.'

'I'm not good on my own.'

'Funny, I can never imagine you any other way. Are you going to take the job?'

'What's the pay?'

'Like you need money.'

'Everyone needs money. You can pay the bill on this place for a year, regardless of how long I'm on the books.'

'Done… Considering the service, I can't believe it's that expensive.'

'You'd be surprised. They wipe your arse every day whether you need it or not. That sort of residential care comes at a cost.'

'I'm sure the budget can handle it.'

'Good, in that case it can pay me a bonus: one good bottle of Single Malt per patient.'

'And have you drunk at the operating table?'

'Alcohol doesn't affect my species. I just like the taste.'

'Now I understand why you're always so miserable. Is there nothing Kanatians do for fun?'

'War was popular.'

A bleeping noise went off in Jack's pocket.

'Ah… the world needs saving.' Alexander smiled. 'Square jaw and hair gel, go get 'em, kid.'

'You might be right,' Jack said, noting Gwen's mobile on the pager.

'I usually am.' Alexander offered Jack a rare, genuine smile. 'You'll shout if you need me?'

Jack reached into his other pocket and handed Alexander a pager identical to his own. 'On this.'

Alexander took it. 'Can't wait. Off you go then, fight the good fight.'

Jack gave Alexander a gentle squeeze on the shoulder. 'Want me to drop you off somewhere?' he asked, tapping the wheelchair handles.

'I'm perfectly capable, thank you.'

'More than anyone here would ever guess, I'm sure.'

'Quite. Now go away and leave me to the company of my peers.'

As Alexander spoke, Leon Harris was being dragged back from the neighbouring field, his language proving that crudity was not the sole province of the young.

Julia held Rob's hand and tried not feel as if she had let her aunt down. When you see your dentist more often than your family, it's hard to avoid a little guilt when they die. There were just the two of them in the church, an old man sat in the front row having left with a curse as he realised 'his old mate Len' wasn't due for cremation until later on that afternoon.