Murray Leinster - The Duplicators

Thana welcomed Harl and Link, but she was inclined to be distressed that their dinner now had to be warmed over and was inferior in quality for that reason. They dined. Link presented Thana with the plastic can of beans. Harl asked what they were. When Link told him, he said absorbedly:

“I’ve heard that there’s a Household over past Old Man Addison that has beans. But I never tasted ’em myself. We’ll duply some an’ have ’em for breakfast. Right?”

And Link was ushered into a guest room, with a light consisting of a wick floating in a dish of oil. He slept soundly, until an hour after sunrise. Then he was waked by the sound of shoutings. He could see nothing from his window, so he dressed and went leisurely to see from the street.

There were many villagers out-of-doors, staring at the distance. From time to time they shouted encouragement. Link saw what they shouted at.

A small, hairy figure, chastely clad in a red-checked tablecloth around his middle, ran madly toward the Household. The figure was Thistlethwaite. The red-checked cloth had once been draped over a table in the Glamorgan ’s mess room. Thistlethwaite ran like a deer and behind him came uffts yapping insults and trying to nip his heels.

He reached safety and the uffts drew off, shouting “ Traitor!” and “ Murderer!” as the mildest of accusations. But now and then one roared shrilly at him, “ Agent provocateur!”

The situation developed in a strictly logical fashion. The uffts remained at a distance, shouting insults and abuse at all the humans in the village which was Harl’s Household. Hours passed. No small, ufft-drawn carts came in bringing loads of roots, barks, herbs, berries, blossoms and flowers. Normally they were brought in for the duplier to convert in part to beer, with added moisture, and in part into such items as slightly wormy apples, legumes like peas, and discouraged succulents like lettuce. There were all sorts of foodstuffs duplied with the same ufft-cart loads of material, of course. Wheat, and even flour, could be synthesized by the duplier from the assorted compounds in the vegetation the carts contained. Radishes could be multiplied. Every product of Thana’s garden could be increased indefinitely. But this morning no raw material for beer or victuals appeared. The uffts remained at a distance, shrilling insults.

Thistlethwaite revealed the background events behind this development. He’d escaped from the Household, surrounded by a scurrying guard of uffts, while the political demonstration in the street was at its height. That tumult continued while he was hurried to the ufft city. There he was feted, but not fed. The uffts did not make use of human food. They were herbivorous and had no provisions for him. But they did make speeches about his escape.

He stood it so long, but he was a business man. He wanted food and he wanted clothing and he wanted to get to Old Man Addison’s Household to proceed with his business deal to end all business deals. He did not think of it in such accurate terms. But he insisted on being taken first to the Glamorgan for food and clothing. He spoke with pride of his talent for business. The uffts mentioned, as business men, that the contract for his rescue and escort did not include food, clothing, or a trip west of the ufft city. There would be a slight extra charge. He was indignant, but he agreed.

He’d been taken to the ship. The watchman left by Harl admitted him. He overpowered that watchman and put him in a cabin for crew members. He stuffed himself, because food was more urgent than clothing. He admitted uffts, because they were clamoring below. They wanted the extra fees they’d charged him. They announced that they were not interested in human artifacts. They wanted the usual currency, beer. The whiskery man didn’t have it. They suggested that they would accept cargo at a proper discount. The discount was for the fact that they’d have to trade human goods to humans for the beer they preferred. The discount would be great.

Thistlethwaite had to yield, though he raged. He opened a cargo compartment and the uffts began to empty it. Thistlethwaite wept with fury because circumstances had put him at the mercy of the uffts. In business matters they were businesslike. They didn’t have any mercy. He was expressing his indignation at their attitude when they spoke of demurrage to be paid for the delay he was causing. Strangling upon his wrath, he took measures. He was still taking measures when the expedition of men and unicorns charged down into the hollow where the Glamorgan rested. Thistlethwaite got out among the first, and was well away before the stun gun was put into use. And then, back in the ufft city, the uffts demanded compensation for the injury of an exaggerated number of their fellows in his employ.

Telling about it later, even returned to Harl’s Household and presumably the prospect of being hanged, even later Thistlethwaite purpled with fury over the ufft demands. They’d have stripped him of all the Glamorgan ’s cargo if not the ship itself, and he’d have reached Old Man Addison without a smidgen of trade goods with which to deal. His entire journey would have been in vain. It was even unlikely that Old Man Addison would pay for his delivery, when he had nothing to offer that feudal chieftain in the way of trade.

Listening to the account, Harl said safely:

“Uffts haven’t got any manners. You shoulda known better then to deal with them! You did right to come back.” Then something occurred to him. “Why’d they chase you?”

Thistlethwaite turned burning, bloodshot eyes upon Link.

“Somebody,” he said balefully, “somebody painted a note on the Glamorgan ’s fin. It was addressed to me! So the uffts read it an’ it said I’d brought guns for Householders to use on uffts to make ’em work for free! And the note said for me to lead the uffts into a ambush as previous arranged so’s they’d get shot up! So they decided that me gettin’ put in a cage an’ gettin’ them to escape me was a trick so’s you’d get a chance to try out that stun gun on ’em last night!”

Link said mildly, “Now, I wonder who could have done such a thing!”

Thistlethwaite strangled on his fury. He was speechless.

“It begins to look,” said Link with the same mildness, “like the uffts are really wrought up. I doubt that they’re hanging around the Household just for the pleasure of calling us names. What do you think they want, Harl?”

“Plenty!” said Harl gloomily. “Plenty!”

“I suggest,” said Link, “that you find out.”

“’Might as well,” said Harl, more gloomily still. “If they don’t bring in greenstuff, we don’t eat. You can’t duply what Thana grows unless you’ve got something to duply it with!”

He rose and went morosely out of the room where the conference had taken place. Thistlethwaite said bitterly:

“I’d ha’ done better if I’d astrogated here myself!”

“Question,” said Link. “You say the uffts believe you brought guns for them to be enslaved with. Did you?”

“No!” snapped Thistlethwaite.

“Did the uffts mention me?” asked Link.

Thistlethwaite practically foamed at the mouth.

“They said y’were their friend!” he raged. “They said—”

“I made them a speech,” said Link modestly. “It was about a barber who shaved everybody in his village who didn’t shave himself, and didn’t shave anybody who did shave himself. There’s been some trouble deciding who shaved the barber. They may like me for that.”

Thistlethwaite made incoherent noises.

“Tut tut!” said Link. “There’s one more question, but you haven’t got the answer to it. I’ll get Thana to help me find it out. I don’t think you’ll run away to the uffts again, and I don’t think they’ll hang you before I have a chance to protest. I shall hope not, anyhow.”