Beth Revis - A Million Suns

And it wasn’t like this when I entered the Recorder Hall. Whoever did this waited for the perfect opportunity — to make sure I saw, and to make sure I knew it was done when I was nearby.

I force myself to turn. My eyes dart around the fields and down the path. There’s no one here. The vandal fled already… or simply strolled into the Recorder Hall to fade among the crowd, watching me as I walked past.

BACK IN MY ROOM, I CAN’T QUIT PACING. ORION LEFT CLUES — for me? About something important, something life or death, apparently. Could it be about the death of the ship? The stopped engines?

And — how has he already given me the first clue?

I stop pacing and stare at my bedroom wall, catching sight of the chart I’d painted there. It’s been three months since Elder stopped Orion from murdering the frozens in the military. Before that I’d tried to identify the murderer by painting the list of victims on my wall. I trace the sloppy letters, the paint so thick that the edges leave tiny shadows on the white wall. Thin lines of black drips have dried like witches’ fingers reaching for the floor. One line is longer and thicker than the others. It cuts through the dusty ivy Harley had once, long ago, painted for his girlfriend, whose room this once was.

Black scrawls on a dirty wall. That is all Orion ever gave me, other than the bodies of victims.

I close my eyes and breathe deeply, remembering the way the paint smelled as I dipped Harley’s paintbrush into it.

Paint.

Harley.

That’s what Orion gave me. The only thing he ever really gave me. Harley’s last painting. When Harley was in the cryo level, piecing together bits of wire so he could open the hatch and slaughter himself in the vacuum of space, he gave his last finished painting to Orion — who gave it to me. After Harley’s death, I was too sad to look at it and asked that Elder take it to Harley’s room for me.

Which is where it must still be… I race out of my room and down the hall. Harley’s room is easy to find — smudges of color create a rainbow path straight to his door.

His room smells of dust and turpentine, like old mistakes. The slats over his window stream artificial light over a small plant in a homemade pot that has long since died. Speckles of dust glitter in the bars of light.

It feels like a violation, stepping into this room. My hand lingers by the door frame, my thumb still resting on the biometric scanner.

I step inside slowly, still holding onto the door frame with one hand, reluctant to dive fully into this den of Harley’s past. My fingers slide from the wall to the dresser pressed against it, leaving four shiny paths in the dust on top. Is this three months worth of dust, or more? I never saw Harley in his room, only saw him leaving it once as we passed in the hall. I cannot picture him in it now. It is too small, too cramped. This is more like storage than a home.

But Harley was an artist, a true artist, and his storage is more precious than anything I’ve seen in a museum. Canvases are stacked against the wall. I flip through a row of them, all facing the room. One is nothing but splatters of paint and black ink, an experiment failed, I think. There’s another koi fish, the same kind of painting Harley did for me, but this one is more cartoonish and less realistic, with lighter colors that would be pastel if they weren’t so brightly clashing.

The last painting faces the wall, but even before I turn it around, I see the rips in the canvas, ragged edges leaking threads.

It’s a painting of a girl. There’s a smile on her lips, but none in her deep and watery eyes. She looks like she’s just emerged from a bath or a swimming pool; her hair is dripping wet, and droplets leave dark stains trailing down her face.

The cuts on the canvas were made in anger — they’re jagged and rough. Someone — Harley? — has gone back and tried to repair the canvas, but no one could put her face back together again.

Kayleigh. It has to be. My fingers run down the thick paint of her hair. This is the girl Harley lost, the one that made him lose himself.

Suddenly, I feel like a trespasser, violating Harley’s sanctuary. It doesn’t matter that he’s gone: this room is still his , and I do not belong.

I came for the painting. I should get it and go. I scan the room, looking for the one painting that belongs to me. There, there , under the window — the black black sky. The silver-white sprinkles of stars. The orangey-gold koi swimming around his ankle. Harley.

I rush across the room toward the canvas, and my hip knocks into a ruler on the edge of the table, sending the papers stacked on top of it flying. I drop to my knees and try to gather as many as I can. I can see sketches — a girl swimming, a girl floating, an empty pond filled with belly-up fish — but while I want to take my time and look, really look, at the drawings, I feel like I shouldn’t, that it’s forbidden to even be touching them.

“What are you doing here?” a voice hisses from the doorway, and all my fears are confirmed. The wrongness of being in this room tugs at my navel.

I look up. Victria is outlined by the light of the hall. She steps inside, and a blanket of shadows falls over her.

“Well?” From the angry impatience of her voice, I can tell that whatever happened between us in the library doesn’t count. What counts is that I’ve violated the sanctity of one of her only friends’ rooms.

She clutches a small leather-bound book so tightly that her knuckles are white. I can’t understand this girl — she hates me for telling her about the sky; she ignores the fact that I saved her from Luthor; she despises me for just being in Harley’s room.

“You shouldn’t be here,” she spits out.

“I know — I—”

Victria crosses the room and snatches the papers from my hand, gripping them so forcefully that the thin sheets crumple and a few rip. “These aren’t yours!”

My eyes narrow. “This is.” I draw the canvas closer to me. It is mine.

“Whatever.” She gingerly starts to pick up Harley’s scattered drawings. I could not be more clearly dismissed.

I start to leave, lugging the canvas with me. When I turn around at the door, Victria’s ignoring me. She’s replaced the papers on the table and is smoothing one down. I glance over her to see the sketch. It’s supposed to be Elder, I think, but he looks older, and there’s a smirk on his charcoal lips that I’ve never seen on Elder’s real lips. It’s odd for Harley’s drawings not to be spot-on.

She doesn’t notice me as I step closer. I have never seen that look of longing on Victria’s face before. I haven’t seen it on anyone before — except when Harley told me about Kayleigh.

“Victria?” I ask.

She jumps, jerking her hand and sending Harley’s sketch of Elder skidding across the table. “You have your painting, now go!”

I study her face. Her eyes flick once more to the table and the drawing, betraying the love I see hidden there.

I go without saying another word.

It’s not until I’m back in my room, dipping the brush into the thick white paint, that I realize the sketch wasn’t of Elder at all. The wrinkles at his eyes, the crooked twist of his lips — that had to be Orion.

Doc coms me as I leave the Recorder Hall.

“Where are you now?” he asks.

“Recorder Hall.”

“Good. Come out to the wall near the garden.”

“Why?”

“I can’t explain it. Just come on out.”

“But — I wanted to speak with…”

“Speak with Amy?” he asks, biting off each word.

Yes. I did. All Bartie’s outburst and the slashed painting have done is remind me that Amy is one of the few people on this whole frexing ship who isn’t waiting for me to fail. I have to apologize — again — for calling her a freak. I want to tell her that I don’t care what she needs to feel safe on Godspeed , I’ll give it to her. I want to tell her that if the only thing that will bring the smile back to her eyes is waking up her parents, maybe we should do it. And even if I know I can’t actually tell her that last bit, I want to look her in the eyes and make sure she knows that I would if I could.