Beth Revis - A Million Suns

“Amy — no. No. My people can handle this.”

She mutters something I don’t catch.

“What?” I demand.

“It’s not like they’ve done that good of a job so far! Hell, Elder, how long have the engines been dead? Since before you were born! Maybe even decades — or longer!”

“I don’t need this!” I roar. “Not from you too! I don’t need you telling me what to do or that I’m not good enough.”

“I’m not questioning you!” Amy hurtles the words at me. “I’m just saying, someone from Earth could probably fix this problem!”

“You’re just saying that we should wake your parents up!”

“This isn’t about them!”

“With you, it always is! You can’t just wake up your parents because you’re a scared little girl!”

Amy glares at me fiercely, an angry flush staining her cheeks. “Maybe if you’d admit you weren’t good enough to do everything on this effing ship yourself, you could see that you have people who could actually help you right underneath your feet!”

I know she said it in anger — that I wasn’t good enough. But her words do hurt, like a hot knife slicing through the center of me. “Haven’t you figured out that half my problems are because of you? If I didn’t have to watch out for the freak, maybe I could get something done!”

As soon as the words slip past my lips, I wish I could grab them with my hands and crush them in my fists.

But I can’t.

The words are there.

I’ve called Amy a freak, the one thing I swore I’d never do.

I was the only person on the whole ship who hadn’t called her that.

And now I have.

Amy jerks her head, almost as if the words have struck a blow against her cheek. She spins on her heel and storms toward the Learning Center door — and the grav tube that would take her away from me.

“Amy!” I shout, racing after her. She ducks her head away from me, hair swinging down to cover her face, and darts through the door. I grab her by the elbow, spinning her around and pulling her back into the Great Room. She jerks out of my grasp, but at least she doesn’t keep running from me.

“I’m sorry,” I say immediately. “I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” I raise my hand again, but she flinches from me, and I drop it immediately.

She doesn’t meet my eyes.

“You’re right,” she finally says, blinking rapidly and looking up at the artificial stars.

“No, I’m not, I’m sorry, you’re not a freak, you’re not.”

She shakes her head. “Not about that. About… I’m scared,” she whispers.

She twists the wi-com round and round her wrist, leaving a red mark. I’ve seen her silent before, brooding. There have been times when we’d be talking and she’d suddenly drop from the conversation, retreat within herself for a few moments before returning to me. Before, I’d always thought it had something to do with me — that she’d remembered my betrayal, or I’d said something to trigger a memory of the past she could no longer have. Now I’m wondering if it’s something else.

“What’s wrong?” I ask, my voice lower, the fight in it gone, replaced with concern.

She jumps at the question.

“Has someone hurt you?” I ask. “Or threatened you?”

I move closer to her. I want to reach out, take her hands in mine, draw her closer to me. But she looks as hard as stone.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY? THAT I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES about something that happened three months ago? How lame would that sound? If I was going to say something, I should have said it then . But then everything else became much more important — Harley and Eldest’s deaths, Orion’s capture, the elimination of Phydus. Elder has over two thousand people who all have a problem they expect him to fix. How could I burden him with one more from me? If there was anyone I could tell, it would be him — but I can’t. I can’t. It’s not just that three months have passed, or that he’s busy with the ship, or that I’m afraid he won’t believe me.

It’s that, when it happened, he wasn’t the one to save me.

And if he couldn’t save me then, how can he save me now?

“I could protect you,” Elder says, moving closer to me but not meeting my eyes. “You could move in with me…” His words fade to silence.

We’re so close we could touch. All it would take is for me to reach out my hand. But neither of us makes a move.

“I don’t need to,” I say automatically. I have control. I don’t need to run away and hide. I will not let Luthor turn me into a simpering child.

And I don’t want Elder to believe he has to take care of me. Because if he thinks I want his protection, he’s also going to think I want more.

I start pacing, but it just makes the walls feel closer.

Elder runs his fingers through his hair, making a rumpled mess of it. “You don’t have to stay here just to be safe,” he finally says, standing up too. “You could stay for — for other reasons… ”

“No,” I whisper, knowing and dreading what he’s going to say next. I can’t — I’m not ready — I don’t… I don’t know. I don’t know what I want, but I know that I don’t want to hear what he’s going to say, just as surely as I know he’s going to say it anyway.

He grabs my arms, not in an angry grip like before, but in a gentle, soft way that invites me closer to him. I don’t move.

“Amy — I—” He looks down, takes a deep breath. “I… I care about you. I want you to want to be here.” He doesn’t quite meet my eyes. “With me.”

He lets go of me, raising one hand to brush the hair from my face. I can’t help it; I close my eyes and lean into his hand, feeling the warm roughness of his fingers against my cheek. His breath shudders.

I step closer.

I look up, and he’s searching my eyes, just like he did after kissing me for the first time in the rain. “What are you looking for?”

He doesn’t answer.

He doesn’t need to.

I know what he wants.

And it’s not fair.

“Just because we’re the only two teenagers on this whole ship doesn’t mean I have to love you. Why can’t I have a choice? Options?”

Elder steps back, stung.

“Look, it’s not that I don’t like you,” I say quickly, reaching for him. He jerks away. “It’s just…”

“Just what?” he growls.

Just that if I was back on Earth instead of on this damn ship, if I had met Elder at school or at a club or on a blind date, if I had my choice between Elder and every other boy in the world… Would I love him then?

Would he love me?

Love without choice isn’t love at all.

“Just that I don’t want to be with you just because there’s no one else.”

“BUT…”

But she’s already gone.

THE NEXT MORNING, I GO STRAIGHT TO MY PARENTS. I STARE at their icy faces until my eyes hurt, then I squeeze them shut. But whether I see them or not, the truth remains: They are frozen. I am not. And Godspeed is stopped.

Stopped .

I force these thoughts from my head. Instead, I try to think of something to say to my parents, some memory I miss. But I can’t concentrate. I sigh, stand up, and slam my parents back into their cryo chambers. Nothing’s been right since Elder’s fight with me, and I can’t dwell on both their past and ours.

It’s strange. On Earth, I’ve been called a lot worse than freak . But here, that word carries a different meaning, and when shouted at you by one of the few people you trust, it carries a different hurt.