John Scalzi - Redshirts

“Why don’t you point that out to the captain and Q’eeng?” Dahl asked.

Kerensky sneered, and his lip quivered at the effort. “Because what the hell am I going to say?” he said, and started making Humpty-Dumpty movements. “‘Oh, I can’t go on this mission, Captain, Commander Q’eeng. Let someone else get stabbed through the eyeball for a change.’” He stopped with the movements and was quiet for a second. “Besides, I don’t know. It seems to make sense at the time, you know?”

“No, I don’t know,” Dahl said.

“When the captain tells me I’m going to be on an away mission, it’s like some other part of my brain takes over,” Kerensky said. He sounded like he was trying to puzzle through something. “I get all confident and it seems like there’s a perfectly good reason for a goddamn astrogator to take medical samples, or fight killer machines or whatever. Then I get back on the Intrepid and I think to myself, ‘What the fuck was I just doing?’ Because it doesn’t make sense, does it?”

“I don’t know,” Dahl said again.

Kerensky looked lost in thought for a second, and then waved it all away. “Anyway, fuck it, right?” he said, brightening up. “I lived another day, I’m on shore leave, and I’m with people who saved my life.” He lunged at Dahl again, even more sloppily. “I love you, man. I do. Let’s get another drink and then go find some hookers. I want a blowjob. You want a blowjob?”

“I’ve already got two on order,” Dahl said. “I’m good.”

“Oh, okay,” Kerensky said. “That’s good.” And then he began to snore, his head nestled on Dahl’s shoulder.

Dahl looked up and saw his four friends staring down at him.

“You all owe me blowjobs,” he said.

“How about a drink instead,” Finn said.

“Deal,” Dahl said. He glanced down at Kerensky. “What do we do about Sleeping Beauty here?”

“There’s a laundry chute outside,” Hester said, hopefully.

“Here are the blueprints to the Intrepid that I downloaded from the ship’s database,” Dahl said to Finn and Duvall at midday mess, showing them a printout. He laid down a second printout. “And here are the blueprints I received from the Academy Archive. Notice anything?”

“Nope,” said Finn, after a minute.

“Nope,” said Duvall, shortly thereafter.

Dahl sighed and pointed. “It’s the cargo tunnels,” he said. “We use them to transport cargo throughout the ship, but there’s no reason a human couldn’t go into them. The ship maintenance crew goes into them all the time to physically access ship systems. They’re designed that way so ship maintenance doesn’t get in the way of the rest of the crew.”

“You think Jenkins is in there,” Duvall said.

“Where else is he going to be?” Dahl said. “He only comes out when it suits him; no one ever sees him otherwise. Think how populated this ship is. The only way you can disappear is if you stay in a place other crew don’t usually go.”

“The flaw in this reasoning is that the cargo tunnels are tunnels, ” Finn said. “And even if people aren’t there, they’re still crawling with those autonomous delivery carts. If he stayed in any one place for long he’d be blocking their traffic or he’d get run over.”

Dahl waggled a finger. “See, that’s what you two aren’t seeing. Look…” He pointed to a square inside the maze of cargo tunnels. “When the carts aren’t delivering something, they have to go somewhere. They’re not hanging out in the corridors. Where they go is to one of these distribution hubs. The hubs are more than large enough for a person to hole up in.”

“As long as there’s not a bunch of carts cluttering it up,” Duvall said.

“Exactly,” Dahl said. “And look. In the blueprints of the Intrepid we have on ship, there are six cart distribution areas. But in the ones from the archives, there are seven.” He tapped the seventh distribution hub. “This distribution hub is away from major systems in the ship, which means that maintenance crews have no reason to get near it. It’s as far away as you can be from anyone and still be on the ship. That’s where Jenkins is. The ghost in the machine. That’s where we find him.”

“I don’t see why you don’t ask your boss to make an introduction,” Duvall said. “You said that Jenkins was technically under her anyway.”

“I tried that and got nowhere with it,” Dahl said. “Collins finally told me that Jenkins only appears when he wants to appear and otherwise they leave him alone. He’s helping them keep track of the captain, Q’eeng, and the others. They don’t want to piss him off and leave themselves vulnerable.”

“Speaking of which,” Finn said, and motioned with his head.

Dahl turned around to see Science Officer Q’eeng coming up to him. He started to get up.

Q’eeng waved him back down. “At ease, Ensign.” He noticed the blueprints. “Studying the ship?”

“Just looking for ways to do my job more efficiently,” Dahl said.

“I admire that initiative,” Q’eeng said. “Ensign, we’re about to arrive at the Eskridge system to answer a distress call from a colony there. The reports from the colony are sketchy but I suspect a biological agent may be involved, so I’m assembling a team from your department to accompany me. You’re on it. Meet me in the shuttle bay in half an hour.”

“Yes, sir,” Dahl said. Q’eeng nodded and headed off. He turned back to Duvall and Finn. They were looking at him oddly. “What?” he said.

“An away team with Q’eeng,” Duvall said.

“A sudden, oddly coincidental away team with Q’eeng,” Finn said.

“Let’s try not to be too paranoid,” Dahl said.

“That’s funny, considering,” Finn said.

Dahl pushed the blueprints at Finn. “While I’m away, Finn, find a way for us to sneak up on Jenkins without him being aware of it. I want to talk to him, but aside from that warning I don’t think he wants to talk to us. I don’t want to give him that choice.”

“This is all your fault, you know,” Cassaway hissed at Dahl. He, Cassaway and Mbeke constituted the away team with Q’eeng and a security team member named Taylor. Q’eeng was piloting the shuttle to the colony; Taylor took the co-pilot seat. The xenobiologists were in the back. The two other xenobiologists had been coldly silent to him during the mission briefing and for most of the shuttle ride down to the planet. These were the first words either of them had spoken to him the entire trip.

“How is this my fault?” Dahl said. “I didn’t tell the captain to take the ship here.”

“It’s your fault for asking about Jenkins!” Cassaway said. “You’re pissing him off with all your questions about him.”

“I can’t ask questions about him now?” Dahl said.

“Not questions that make him retaliate against us,” Mbeke said.

“Shut up, Fiona,” Cassaway said. “It’s your fault too.”

“My fault too?” said Mbeke, incredulous. “I’m not the one asking all these stupid questions!”

Cassaway jabbed a finger in Dahl’s direction. “You’re the one who brought up Jenkins in front of him! Twice!”

“It slipped,” Mbeke said. “I was just making conversation the first time. The second time I didn’t think it would matter. He already knew.”

“Look where we are, Fiona.” Cassaway waved to indicate the shuttle. “Tell me it doesn’t matter. You never told Sid Black about Jenkins.”

“Sid Black was an asshole,” Mbeke said.

“And this one isn’t?” Cassaway said, pointing at Dahl again.