Terry Bisson - Bears Discover Fire

“Forget it, he’s gone.”

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMILY WOULD YOU LIKE—

• DEPOSIT

• WITHDRAWAL

• BALANCE

• WEATHER

“How does it know it’s my birthday?”

“Jesus, Em, it’s probably coded in your card or something. It is now 6:34 and in exactly seven minutes… What the hell is this? Weather?”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.”

“You’re not going to press it!”

“Why not?”

>WEATHER

THANK YOU

SELECT DESIRED CONDITIONS—

• COOL AND CLOUDY

• FAIR AND MILD

• LIGHT SNOW

• LIGHT RAIN

“Em, will you quit playing around!”

>LIGHT RAIN

“Rain? On your birthday?”

“Just a light rain. I just want to see if it works. We’re going to the movie anyway.”

“Not if we don’t get out of here.”

PERFECT MOVIE WEATHER

WOULD YOU LIKE—

• DEPOSIT

• WITHDRAWAL

• BALANCE

• POPCORN

“Em, this machine is seriously fucked up.”

“I know. I wonder if you get butter.”

“It’s 6:36. Just press Withdrawal and let’s get the hell out of here. We have five minutes until the movie starts.”

>WITHDRAWAL

THANK YOU

WITHDRAWAL FROM—

• SAVINGS

• CHECKING

• CREDIT LINE

• OTHER

“Excuse me. Are you two going to see Gilded Palace of Sin ?”

“Shit. Look who’s back.”

“I was just at the theater and the newspaper had the times listed wrong. According to the box office, the movie starts at 6:45. So you have nine minutes.”

“I thought you were at the other machine.”

“There’s a line and I didn’t want to stand outside in the rain.”

“Rain? Bruce, look!”

“It’s just a light rain. But I’m wearing my good suit.”

>OTHER

“Emily, it’s 6:37 and you’re pressing Other ?”

“Don’t you want to see what else this machine can do?”

“No!”

THANK YOU

CHOOSE OTHER ACCOUNT—

• ANDREW

• ANN

• BRUCE

“Who the hell are Andrew and Ann? And how the hell did my name get in there?”

“You told me the machine ate your card.”

“That was… another machine.”

“Excuse me. Ann is my fiancée. Well, was. Sort of. I thought.”

“Are you butting in again?”

“Wait! You must be—”

“Andrew. Andrew P. Claiborne the Third. You must be Emily. And he must be—”

“He’s Bruce. Don’t mind him if he’s a little uncouth.”

“Uncouth!”

>BRUCE

“Hey, that’s my account, Emily. You don’t have any right to press Bruce !”

“Why not? You say you wanted to pay for dinner and the movie, but the machine ate your card. So let’s go for it.”

GO FOR IT, EMILY

PLEASE ENTER DESIRED AMOUNT——

• $20

• $60

• $100

• $200

>$60

SORRY. INSUFFICIENT FUNDS. WANT TO TRY FOR $20?

>$20

SORRY. INSUFFICIENT FUNDS. WOULD YOU LIKE A BALANCE CHECK?

“No!”

BRUCE'S BALANCE: $11.78

SURPRISED?

“Surprised? I’m furious! Some birthday celebration! You didn’t even have enough to pay for a movie, much less dinner! And you lied!”

“Excuse me, it’s your birthday? It’s my birthday too!”

“You stay out of this, Andrew, or whatever the fuck your name is.”

“Don’t be vulgar, Bruce. He has an absolutely perfect right to wish me a happy birthday.”

“He’s not wishing you a happy birthday, he’s butting into my life.”

“Allow me to wish you a very happy birthday, Emily.”

“And to you, Andrew, the very same.”

“Plus he’s an asshole!”

NO NAME CALLING PLEASE

WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER BALANCE CHECK?

• BRUCE

• EMILY

• ANDREW

• ANN

“I still don’t understand who Ann is.”

“My girlfriend. Sort of. She was supposed to meet me at the movie but she stood me up for the last time.”

“How terrible! On your birthday! Andrew, I know exactly how you feel.”

“As a matter of fact, you’re both a couple of assholes!”

NO NAME CALLING

PLEASE EMILY AND ANDREW,

PLEASE ALLOW ME TO TREAT YOU TO A BIRTHDAY DINNER AND A FILM

“A hundred dollars!”

“It says it’s treating us. Take it, Emily.”

“You take it, Andrew; I think the man should handle the money. And you can call me Em.”

“I can’t fucking believe this!”

“We’d better hurry. Excuse me, Bruce, old pal, do you have the time?”

“It’s 6:42. Asshole.”

“If we run we can catch the 6:45. Then, how about Sneeky Pete’s?”

“I love Tex-Mex!”

PLEASE REMOVE YOUR CARD

DON'T FORGET TO TRY THE BLACKENED FAJITAS

“You’re all three assholes! I can’t fucking believe this. She left with him!”

WELCOME TO CASH-IN-A-FLASH

1324 LOCATIONS

TO SERVE YOU CITYWIDE

PLEASE DON'T KICK THE MACHINE

“Go to hell!”

PLEASE INSERT YOUR CASH-IN-A-FLASH CARD

“Fuck you.”

GO AHEAD, BRUCE

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?

THANK YOU

IT WASN'T 'EATEN' AFTER ALL, WAS IT?

“You know it wasn’t. Asshole.”

NO NAME CALLING PLEASE

WOULD YOU LIKE—

• SYMPATHY

• REVENGE

• WEATHER

• ANN

“Excuse me.”

“Jesus, lady, quit banging on the door. I know it’s raining. Tough shit. I’m not going to let you in. This is a cash machine, not a homeless shelter. You’re supposed to have a card or something. What?”

“I said, shut up and press Ann .”

I’m not much of a hunter and I don’t care for dogs. I was driving out Taylorsville Road in Oldharn County one Sunday, when I saw this bunch of pickups down in a hollow by a pond. My own old yellow and white ‘77 Ford half-ton was bought from a coon hunter, and it could have been the truck as much as me that slowed down to take a look.

Men were standing around the pickups, most of which had dog boxes in the beds. I saw a Xeroxed sign stapled to a telephone pole, and realized I had been seeing the same sign for a couple of miles along the road.

If this was Carpenters Lake, it was not much more than a pond. I could hear dogs barking. I pulled over to watch.

There was a cable running across the water. It ran from a pole where the trucks were parked into the trees on the other side of the pond. Hanging under it, like a cable car, was a wire cage. While I watched, two men took six or eight hounds out of the back of a half-ton Ford and down to the bank. The dogs were going wild and I could see why.

There was a coon in the cage. From where I was parked, up on the road, it was just a little black shape. It looked like a skunk or a big house cat. It was probably just my imagination, but I thought I could see the black eyes, panicky under the white mask, and the handlike feet plucking at the wire mesh.