Kevin Anderson - The Mammoth Book of Nebula Awards SF

—The market value of this could be quite high , Uncle said.

—As much as five or six hundred shares , I said, —depending on how distant each trip is .

—Very well. And what is your other inducement?

—I won’t say. (I had to grin.) —It is a gift .

The Council chattered and tweeted in approval. Some even exposed their arms momentarily in a semi-obscene gesture of fellowship. “What kind of game are you playing?” Peter Rabbit said.

“They like surprises and riddles.” I made a polite sound requesting attention and said, —There is one thing I will tell you about this gift: it belongs to all three mercantile classes. It is of no value, of finite value, and infinite value, all at once, and to all people .

—When considered as being of finite value , Uncle said, — how much is it worth in terms of Hartford stock?

—Exactly one hundred shares .

He rustled pleasantly at that and went to confer with the others.

“You’re pretty clever, Dick,” Rabbit said. “What, they don’t get to find out what the last thing is unless they accept?”

“That’s right. It’s done all the time; I was rather surprised that you didn’t do it.”

He shook his head. “I’ve only negotiated with !tang off-planet. They’ve always been pretty conventional.”

I didn’t ask him about all the fishing he had supposedly done here. Uncle came back and stood in front of us.

—There is unanimity. The land will go to Navarro’s tribe. Now what is the secret inducement, please? How can it be every class at once, to all people?

I paused to parse out the description in !tanglish. —Uncle, do you know of the Earth corporation, or tribe, Immortality Unlimited?

—No .

Lafitte made a strange noise. I went on. —This Immortality Unlimited provides a useful service to humans who are apprehensive about death. They offer the possibility of revival. A person who avails himself of this service is frozen solid as soon as possible after death. The tribe promises to keep the body frozen until such time as science discovers a way to revive it .

—The service is expensive. You pay the tribe one full share of Hartford stock. They invest it, and take for themselves one-tenth of the income, which is their profit. A small amount is used to keep the body frozen. If and when revival is possible, the person is thawed, and cured of whatever was killing him, and he will be comparatively wealthy .

—This has never been done with nonhumans before, but there is nothing forbidding it. Therefore I purchased a hundred “spaces” for !tang; I leave it to you to decide which hundred will benefit .

—You see, this is of no material value to any living person, because you must die to take advantage of it. However, it is also of finite worth, since each space costs one share of Hartford. It is also of infinite worth, because it offers life beyond death .

The entire Council applauded, a sound like a horde of locusts descending. Peter Rabbit made the noise for attention, and then he made it again, impolitely loud.

—This is all very interesting, and I do congratulate the Navarro for his cleverness. However, the bidding is not over .

There was a low, nervous whirring. “Better apologize first, Rabbit,” I whispered.

He bulled ahead. —Let me introduce a new mercantile class: negative value .

“Rabbit, don’t—”

—This is an object or service that one does not want to have. I will offer not to give it to you if you accept my terms rather than the Navarro’s .

—Many kilometers up the river there is a drum full of a very powerful poison. If I touch the button that opens it, all of the fish in the river, and for a great distance out to sea, will die. You will have to move or… He trailed off.

One by one, single arms snaked out, each holding a long sharp knife.

“Poison again, Rabbit? You’re getting predictable in your old age.”

“Dick,” he said hoarsely, “they’re completely nonviolent. Aren’t they?”

“Except in matters of trade.” Uncle was the last one to produce a knife. They moved toward us very slowly. “Unless you do something fast, I think you’re about to lose your feet.”

“My God! I thought that was just an expression.”

“I think you better start apologizing. Tell them it was a joke.”

—I die! He shouted, and they stopped advancing. —I, um…

—“You play a joke on your friends and it backfires,” I said in Greek.

Rapidly: — I play a joke on my good friend and it backfires. I, uh…

“Christ, Dick, help me.”

“Just tell the truth and embroider it a little. They know about negative value, but it’s an obscenity.”

—I was employed by… a tribe that did not understand mercantilism. They asked me, of all things, to introduce the terms of negative value into a trivial transaction . My friends know I must be joking and they laugh. They laugh so much they forget to eat. All die. O the embarrassment.

Uncle made a complicated pass with his knife and it disappeared into his haybale fur. All the other knives remained in evidence, and the !tang moved into a circle around us.

—This machine in your pocket , Uncle said, —it is part of the joke?

Lafitte pulled out a small gray box. —It is. Do you want it?

—Put it on the floor. The fun would be complete if you stayed here while the Navarro took one of your marvelous floaters up the river. How far would he have to go to find the rest of the joke?

—About twelve kilometers. On an island in midstream .

Uncle turned to me and exposed his arms briefly. —Would you help us with our fun?

The air outside was sweet and pure. I decided to wait a few hours, for light.

That was some years ago, but I still remember vividly going into the Council Building the next day. Uncle had divined that Peter Rabbit was getting hungry, and they’d filled him up with !tang bread. When I came in, he was amusing them with impersonations of various Earth vegetables. The effect on his metabolism was not permanent, but when he left Morocho III he was still having mild attacks of cabbageness.

By the time I retired from Hartford, Starlodge had finished its hotel and sports facility on the beach. I was the natural choice to manage it, of course, and though I was wealthy enough not to need employment, I took the job with enthusiasm.

I even tried to hire Lafitte as an assistant — people who can handle !tang are rare — but he had dropped out of sight. Instead, I found a young husband-and-wife team who have so much energy that I hardly have to work at all.

I’m not crazy enough to go out in the woods, hunting. But I do spend a bit of time fishing off the dock, usually with Uncle, who has also retired. Together we’re doing a book that I think will help our two cultures understand one another. The human version is called Hard Bargain .

In the city of Westminster, in the vicinity of Birdcage Walk, in the year of our Lord 1844… There was once a private residence with a view of St. James’s Park. It was generally known, among the London tradesmen, that a respectable widow resided there, upon whom it was never necessary to call for overdue payment. Beggars knew she could be relied upon for charity, if they weren’t too importunate, and they were careful never to be so; for she was one of their own, in a manner of speaking, being as she was blind.