Terry Pratchett - The Science of Discworld II - The Globe

The Spanish Inquisitors' justification of their actions was philosophically convoluted. The purpose of their tortures was straightforward: it was to save a sinner from eternal damnation. The tortures of Hell would be far worse than anything that the Inquisitors could inflict in this world, and they would never stop. So of course they were justified in using any means whatsoever to save the poor soul from destruction. They therefore believed that their actions were justified, and in accordance with Christian principles. Not to act would have been to leave the person concerned in danger of the terrible fires of Hell.

Yes, but what if they were wrong in this belief? This is the convoluted bit. They weren't quite sure about their religious position. What were the rules? If they failed to convert one tortured heretic, would the Inquisitors burn forever? If they converted one heretic, would their souls be guaranteed a place in Heaven? The Inquisitors believed that by inflicting pain and terror without knowing the rules, they risked their own mortal souls. If they were wrong, it was they who would be immersed in the eternal flames. But they were willing to risk this enormous spiritual danger, to take upon themselves all of the consequences of their actions, should they turn out to be wrong. See how incredibly magnanimous they were being, even as they burned people alive and hacked them limb from limb with red-hot knives ...

Clearly something is wrong. Dostoyevsky solves his own narrative problem by having Christ respond the way his own teachings would lead him to: he kisses the Inquisitor. This is an answer, of a kind, but it doesn't satisfy our analytical instincts. There is a logical flaw in the Inquisitors'

position: what is it?

It's very simple. They have thought about what happens if their belief that their actions are justified is wrong -but only within the frame of their religion. They have not asked themselves what their position would be if their religious beliefs are false, if there is no Hell, no eternal damnation, no fire and brimstone. Then their justification would fall to bits.

Of course, if their religion is wrong, then its doctrine of brotherly love could also be wrong. It doesn't have to be: some parts might be fine, others nonsense. But to the Inquisitors it is all of one piece, it stands or falls as a whole. If they are wrong about their religion, then there is no sin, no God, and they can cheerfully torture people if they want to. It really is a nasty philosophical trap.

This is the kind of thing that happens when a big, powerful priesthood latches on to what started as one person's awe at the universe. It is what happens when people construct elaborate verbal traps for themselves, trip over the logic, and fall headlong into them. It is where Holy Wars come from, where neighbour can inflict atrocity on neighbour merely because this otherwise reasonable person goes to a church with a round tower instead of a square one. It is the attitude that Jonathan Swift caricatured in Gulliver's Travels, with the conflict between the big-endians and the little-endians, over which end of an egg to slice into when eating it. It is, perhaps, why so many people today are turning to unorthodox cults in an effort to find a home for their own spirituality. But cults run the same risk as the Inquisition. The only safe home for one's personal spirituality is oneself.

These was something called, as far as Ponder could work out, psyence. All his expertise as a reader of invisible writings was needed to get a grip on this idea -L-space was very hazy about the future of this world. 'As far as I can tell,' he reported, 'it's a way of making up stories that work. It's a way of finding things out and thinking about them ... psy-ence, you see? "Psy" means

"mind" and "ence" means, er, esness. It works on Roundworld in the way magic does at home.'

'Useful stuff, then,' said Ridcully. Anyone doing it?' 'Hex is going to try to take us to what appear to be practical examples of it,' said Ponder.

'Time travel again?' said the Dean. The white circle appeared on the floor ... ... and on the sand, and vanished. The wizards looked around.

'All right, then,' said Ponder. 'So ... dry climate, evidence of agriculture, fields of crops, irrigation ditches, naked man turning a handle, man staring at us, man screaming and running away ...'

Rincewind stepped down into the ditch and inspected the pipe-like device the man had been turning.

'It's just a water-lifting screw,' he announced. 'I've seen a lot of them. You turn the handle, water is screwed out of the ditch, goes up the thread inside and spills out of the top. The screw makes a sort of line of travelling buckets inside the tube. There's nothing special about it. It's just basic ...

stuff.'

'Not psyence, then?' said Ridcully.

'You tell me, sir,' said Rincewind.

'Psyence is quite a difficult concept,' said Ponder. 'But I think perhaps tinkering with this thing to make it more efficient might be psyence?'

'Sounds like engineering,' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. 'That's where you try and make it in different ways to see if any of them are better.'

'The Librarian did turn up one book, very grudgingly,' said Ponder, pulling it out of his pocket.

It was called Basic Science for Schools, pub.1920.

'They've spelt it wrong,' said Ridcully.

'And it's not very helpful,' said Ponder. 'There's quite a lot of what looks like alchemy. You know, mixing stuff up to see what happens.'

'Is that all it is, then?' said the Archchancellor, leafing through the book. 'Hold on, hold on.

Alchemy is, at bottom, all about the alchemist. His books tell him all the stuff he's got to do in order make things work - what to wear, when to wear it, that sort of thing. It's very personal.'

'And?' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.

'Hark at this,' said Ridcully. 'There's no invocations, nothing to tell you what to wear or what phase of the moon it should be. Nothing important. It just says here "A clean beaker was taken.

To this was added 20 grammes" - whatever they are - "of copper sulphate" ...' He stopped.

'Well?' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.

'Well, who did the taking? Who added the stuff? What's going on here?'

'Perhaps it's trying to say that it doesn't matter who does it?' said Ponder. He'd already glanced at the book, and felt that the perfectly ordinary ignorance he'd had just before opening it had been multiplied several times by page ten.

'Anyone can do it?' shouted Ridcully. 'Science is incredibly important but anyone can do it? And what's this?'

He held the book open for all to see, his finger pointing at an illustration. It showed a drawing of an eye, side on, to one side of the apparatus.

'Perhaps it's a God of Science?' Rincewind suggested. 'Watching to see who keeps taking things?'

'So ... science is done by anyone,' said Ridcully, 'and most of the equipment is stolen and it's all watched by a giant eyeball?'

As one wizard, they looked around, guiltily.

'There's just us,' said Ponder.

'Then this isn't science,' said Ridcully. 'No giant eyeball visible. Anyway, we can see it isn't science. It's just engineering. Any bright lad could have built it. It's obvious how it works.'

'How does it work?' said Rincewind.

'Very simply,' said Ridcully. The screw goes round and round and the water comes out here.'

'Hex?' said Ponder, and held out his hand. A large volume appeared in it. It was slim, full of colourful pictures, and entitled Great Moments in Science. It hadn't escaped his notice that when Hex or the Librarian wanted to explain something to the wizards they used a children's book.

He flicked through the passages. Big pictures, big writing.