Julia Karr - XVI

We crossed the street, dodging through the crunch of transits and hire-trannies and stopped at a vendor wagon on the edge of the park. Sal tried to pay, but I swiped my card before he had a chance to. Drinks in hand, we walked down the path.

“That’s where we met.” He pointed to the mound where I’d been standing when I first saw him.

“Yes.” Just thinking about it made me feel embarrassed for him. “I’m sure you’d rather not remember that day.”

“Why not?”

“Well, you were, uh… getting beaten up.”

“Yeah.” His voice softened. “I wasn’t thinking about that.”

I was trying to imagine what he was thinking about, when an unexpected stampede of butterflies invaded my stomach. I took a long drink of the soda; it didn’t help. When I lowered the can, Sal was smiling at me.

“What?” I swiped my chin with the back of my hand and checked the front of my sweater.

“You have dimples.”

I didn’t trust myself to speak. I started to take another sip, but when I raised my hand it was trembling and I was afraid I’d spill the drink all over myself. It was easy for me to rebuff Derek when he was being ridiculous, because I knew what ridiculous was with him. With Sal, I was completely out of my element. I felt both warm (which was nice) and tingly (which was scary) being close to him. It was almost as if my body wasn’t attached to my brain. A thrill ran through me, and I wasn’t sure if it was terror or excitement. I wanted to leave, but I didn’t want to leave him. The silence and the confusion in my brain were killing me. Finally, I thought of something to say.

“I’ve been coming here since I was little. I call this my mountain.” His big brown eyes under those dark lashes were studying my face. I sounded like a ten-year-old, I thought. “Well… when I was little it seemed like a mountain.”

Sal sat down on the grass; I did, too.

“Who did you come here with when you were little?”

I looked down at the grass. Concentrating on anything besides his eyes was good. “Ginnie. We’d bring a picnic basket and spread a blanket out here.” I moved my hands across the grass, imagining the blue paisley throw in front of me and Ginnie’s warm laugh when I flopped backward on it, squinting into the sun. “I haven’t thought about that in forever.”

A flood of memories washed over me and I was lost in being five again. I could almost taste the peanut-butter-and-grape-jelly sandwiches. They’d be laid out on the blanket along with soy milk, veggie chips, and brownies. Ginnie and I would play hide-and-seek—I always found her. Sometimes I’d be so tired afterward that she’d carry me home, nestled against her shoulder. I closed my eyes, remembering the way her hair tickled my nose and how she smelled like roses. She’d always loved roses.

“Hey, Nina, you okay?” Sal said softly, touching my elbow.

Something about the way he looked at me, the warm sun on my back, this place… My eyes welled up and my voice cracked. “I miss her so much.” I couldn’t stop the tears from spilling down my cheeks. This wasn’t the plan, this wasn’t at all what I’d had in mind, crying in front of Sal—a boy I hardly knew! Crying was weakness—I knew that. Ginnie never cried after Ed’s brutal beatings. Not once. How could I let any guy, especially Sal, see me cry?

No way in the universe could I ever have anticipated his reaction. He didn’t look away, or urge me to stop. He reached over and touched my shoulder. I covered my face with my hands and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. When I felt like I had some measure of control, I dared to glance at him.

“You all right?” he asked.

I nodded, sniffed, and wiped my nose on my sleeve. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a napkin.

“Allow me to return the favor.”

I took it and wiped my eyes. “Thanks. I feel pretty stupid… crying… you know.”

“I do know, but it’s okay.” He produced another napkin since the first was now in damp shreds. “Here.” He stuck it in my hand.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, I asked, “Is Wei your girlfriend?” I could’ve died. I don’t know why I let that stupid question pop out of my mouth. It was definitely not my afternoon.

Sal started laughing. “Wei? My girlfriend?”

“Well, yes.” I glowered at him, prickles running up my arms. I wondered if all our conversations on my mountain were going to end with him laughing at me, or making me angry.

He stopped laughing. “Sorry, it’s just that I’ve known Wei since we were babies. She’s like a sister. Our parents were friends and we grew up together. And, well, since we’re asking…” He focused on the ground, pulling out small clumps of grass. “Is Derek your boyfriend?”

“Derek?” It was my turn to be amused. “No way. He and Mike and I have been best friends since kindergarten. Where did you get the idea that he was my boyfriend?”

“He talks about you all the time.” His gaze was still on the grass. “Like you’re, uh… special.”

I shook my head. “I knew it. That horse charm meant more to him.”

“Huh?”

“The day I met you Derek gave me this charm for my necklace.” I showed it to him. Sal leaned in for a closer look. “He was acting so odd, so not the way Derek acts. I thought that maybe he was getting a crush on me, but I told him flat out, the last thing I wanted was a boyfriend.”

“Oh…” Sal straightened up suddenly.

I realized what I’d just said. I didn’t know how to explain, how to make him understand what I wanted without making a complete fool out of myself. The thing was, I didn’t know what I wanted, not anymore. I felt so conflicted around him. I didn’t want to be a sex-teen, but I didn’t want to push Sal away either. Even before I had it, the XVI tattoo was ruling my life, and I didn’t know how to stop it.

The butterflies in my stomach turned into sinking weights and I struggled to say the right thing. “Sal… I’ve never had a boyfriend. And the only people I’ve seen who have boyfriends make fools out of themselves, or hurt each other. Like Ginnie and Ed, her… her boyfriend.” Sal looked puzzled, and I realized he didn’t know anything about Ed. “Ugh, I’m not making sense. See, Media says you’re supposed to act a certain way, and Health and Soch says that when guys and girls… and you expect this and that to happen and…” I was rambling, I wasn’t making sense. Like Dee when she doesn’t want to go to bed and keeps talking and talking and talking.

I fingered my charms necklace, again, and latched onto the T. I stopped babbling, took a deep breath, and looked Sal straight in those deep dark eyes. “I’m afraid to have a boyfriend. I don’t know how to do that and not lose who I want to be. And I’m afraid of what it means to be close to a guy, a guy I might really like.”

There it was: the truth.

He took my hand, and looked at it for what seemed like light-years. “Yeah, it is scary.” He raised his eyes to meet mine. “But I don’t think you can avoid it forever, Nina.”

Then he leaned over and kissed me. Right on the mouth. My first kiss.

It was so tender, his lips were soft, and I felt like I was floating. Out of nowhere, I started crying again. He pulled me close to him and held me. I’d never felt so confused, happy, scared, and safe in my whole life. For the first time, the fears that had ruled my life faded to the background, and I felt calmer, lighter. I knew they’d come back, but at least I’d had a taste of freedom. I sank into it like it was a fluffy white cloud on a summer’s day.

We sat there for a long time—wrapped around each other, not saying anything. Eventually, a park security officer doing rounds on her ped-tran slowed down and gave us a look. Sal stood up and helped me to my feet, and she glided away.