Luke Alden - Happy Birthday Eternity

We hug.

I leave.

I hit the pavement and walk to the bus stop. The weather is nice like it always is. The wind is moving and the sun is shining and it’s early morning.

There’s hardly any traffic.

For a moment I stop.

Stand.

Watch as everything passes me by; the cars and kids and insects and pets.

Everything keeps on moving.

Nothing seems to stop and nothing seems to go anywhere.

And I think back to yesterday, the way I felt when remembering the first time I met Evaline. The tastes and sights and sounds and…

My whole body freezes.

The smell in the air from yesterday. Outside my house. That was the smell of Evaline’s perfume.

For some reason I can’t let go.

Her smell and her very being still bleed from my veins.

So I’m at my parent’s house. They’re gone. Gone like they always are. I sometimes wonder if they ever even see each other. In the end I guess they’re no different than anyone else.

I’m wandering around outside and looking for any trace of Evaline that I can find. Something to tell me that she really was here. Something to let me know that I’m not just another crazy man. Something to let me know that the perfume I smelled really was hers.

And most likely I am crazy.

No job.

No wife.

Living with my parents.

To any outsider it’s obvious that I have issues.

We’re defined by our independence. We’re celebrated for our autonomy.

So here I am, standing outside in my parent’s garden. Barefoot and broke; a mess that smells like yesterdays fuck. I need a shower. I need to get my life together. I need some sort of closure.

I think that in the end I’ve found the concept of closure to be nothing more than a human invention, something we’ve created to give us purpose. Another thing for us to strive towards.

When you live forever you tend to think that closure will happen later than sooner.

The truth is that we’re just lazy.

Nothing is hard and nothing gets too messed up. We live forever and we don’t have to worry about not getting a chance to make things right, we have forever to get things right.

I had 2000 years to get love right.

I’m still failing.

I wanted it to read like the perfect poem.

I wanted to build something beautiful.

I always assumed I’d have more time to get it done. More time to perfect the concept of love. I was promised eternity and now I’ve got a gun with a slow trigger up against my head..

And so I feel a sinking in my gut and in my head and in my heart. The force of gravity pushes my soul to my feet as I walk back into my parent’s house.

Here I am.

Ellis Jackson.

Jobless.

Loveless

Void of all the things that I’m supposed to rely on in defining me as an adult.

Somewhere along the way I messed up.

And now I’m feeling nostalgic.

I couldn’t find Evaline outside, so I’ll now find her however I can.

I go to my room. Get out my pills. Grab a magazine.

It’s: Bottle, hand, mouth and then my head spins.

My heart beats a lonely beat.

I’m reading.

Thinking.

Deliberating on the faint smell of Evaline that drifted past me yesterday.

Time falls away.

Things feels cold…

Soft song on the radio. Cold fingers. She’s drunk again. My lips are dry. I lean in to kiss her. She pulls away. She doesn’t like me that way. I try to kiss her again. Her lips are puckered tight. She tells me to stop. My heart sinks.

We watch a movie. She keeps drinking. The night wanders aimlessly. I want to tangle the sheets with her. She wants me to be her friend. My thoughts are drifting away.

It’s past midnight.

She’s still drinking. I’m getting sober.

I finally get up to leave. One last hug for the night. It’s long and we pause and I look her in the eyes and my body shakes and my lips quiver and my heart is thunder and lightning. I know better than to go in for a third time.

I leave. We’ve been friends for 3 years now. I blew my chance. Maybe I never had a chance. In the car I’m listening to the saddest songs.

Maybe she’ll love me tomorrow.

9

I wake up in my own vomit.

I’m wearing nothing but a blanket and I’m covered by the blackness of the room I’m in.

I can’t tell what time it is.

I can’t tell where I am.

It seems no different from any other day.

So I get up. Go to the bathroom. Clean up. Look in the mirror. Curse the sight of my own face.

I haven’t moved forward in life since I hit puberty.

I’m getting desperate and I can’t seem to realize it.

The phone rings.

I pick it up.

It’s Alicia.

I don’t know what day it is. Not that the day matters to me.

She wants to grind her hips to mine.

I’m too far gone to argue.

‘I’ll be over there in an hour or so.’

I shower and then I go outside.

The smell of Evaline. It hits me again. I cock my head. Look around. There’s nothing and no one. No movement or sound or anything. I walk around the house. Try and act like I’m not looking for her. She has to be here, she has to be near me.

I search the bushes and the garden and the driveway and every other part of my parent’s property.

Maybe she already left.

Maybe I’m imagining things.

I begin to leave. Walking down the driveway. Out of the corner of my eye I catch a movement. I spin around. There’s nothing. No family or friends. No Evaline.

Hands in pockets and eyes to the ground, I walk away.

Alicia. Escape. Something to get my mind off of the yesterdays that I keep reliving.

Alicia: Someone to keep me from thinking about all the loneliness that fills my future.

And I keep walking. It’s a half mile to the bus stop. The concrete on the sidewalk is fresh. There are no cracks, there are no flaws.

Finally I get to the bus stop. There’s nothing to do but think.

I look down.

I’ve let myself go.

There’s a small bulge in my gut that makes me stand out from the crowd.

I don’t have abs.

My chin is beginning to double.

I’m a mess.

People gawk as they move past me.

The bus comes. People get off. I get on.

I sit down. Near me is my bus riding friend, Jim.

‘Hey Ellis. How are you today?’

‘Good.’

‘You seem distant.’

‘I am.’

‘Anything you want to talk about?’

‘No.’

I’m a jerk. I should be nicer. I should be more outgoing. I should be open to the people who at least pretend they care.

The rest of the ride is silent.

My stop comes. I give Jim a smile. He nods. I get off the bus. I turn and watch it pull away.

Through the window I see a familiar face.

Curly hair and a skinny frame.

It takes a second for me to realize who it is.

Ten years ago.

The man from the coffee shop.

The man from the security footage.

I ran after the bus but couldn’t keep up.

My sides ache.

I’m dizzy.

Alicia looks at me with disgust.

I apologize.

She asks what happened.

I can’t find it in me to explain.

She tells me to try.

I open my mouth. Words fail me. At this moment it feels as if everything is failing me. Words, love, life.

Alicia tells me that I’m half insane.

I tell her that there’s a good explanation.

She rolls her eyes.

I’m frustrated.

‘I think I’m being followed.’

Alicia laughs.

I frown.

She’s not going to understand.

I keep talking. As if I can paint a clearer picture.

‘This man, with curly hair, I saw him ten years ago. I saw him on the bus today, but I didn’t see him until I got off. He was with Evaline in the security camera footage and…’