Luke Alden - Happy Birthday Eternity

We kissed until our lips became raw and our flesh was soaked.

When I left it was almost noon.

I was late for work.

Now when I’m kissing Evaline I don’t know what to feel, because I know deep down that I’m only kissing an illusion.

Evaline has been back for a few days now. Things feel like they used to. Except for the fact that I’m without a job. Except for the fact that I don’t have any friends.

My parents tell me to see a doctor. They’re concerned about the way I’m acting. They’re concerned about the way that I can see Evaline when she’s not really there.

I tell them about the drugs I have taken.

They look at me in shock.

They don’t know how to comprehend who I am.

There’s nothing I can say to them.

I make an appointment.

On the way to the doctors. I’m with Evaline. On the bus.

A man gets on. He asks if he can sit in the seat next to me. I tell him no. He looks at me with confused eyes.

He wants Evaline’s spot.

He’s missing an arm. It’s cut off at the elbow. He’s got a scar on his cheek. A crooked smile. Rough whiskers on a rough face.

He looks tired and when he talks he sounds exhausted.

He sits down in the next row back.

I turn to him and apologize.

He smiles and says it’s ok.

He has a smoky smell and a smoky voice to go with his smoky eyes.

I don’t bother to get his name.

I’m holding hands with Evaline.

She’s looking vaguely disgusted. She hates the bus. The smells. The sounds. The way it makes her stomach rattle when it lurches forward.

And the one armed man watches my hand squeeze her hand. And our eyes meet. He laughs in a restrained sort of way.

I ask him what happened to his arm.

He tells me that not many people ask him that question.

He tells me that he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I ask if it hurts.

He tells me that phantom pains never go away.

I squeeze Evaline’s hand again.

I look over to her.

She’s wearing a different outfit. A different hairstyle. A different smile.

Time doesn’t make any sense.

I go to a doctor.

He takes a picture of my brain.

There’s something wrong with it.

He says it’s not going to get better.

He tells me it’s going to get worse.

Today feels like yesterday.

I get up.

Kiss Evaline.

Make Breakfast.

She wants me to start looking for work. She tells me to check the classifieds.

I start looking through the ads. I concentrate.

My head is throbbing. My jaw is clenched.

There’s an incredible weight on the left side of my head. My eyes are watering. I’m squinting.

I look around.

Evaline’s out of focus.

I can feel the beat of my heart, it causes a pounding in my skull. I go through the medicine cabinet but can’t find any medicine. I ask Evaline what I should do.

She moves her mouth. Her words don’t sync up with the moment.

‘I don’t care about your portfolios.’

I look at her with a confused look.

She looks at me. She looks at me as if nothing is wrong.

The headache leaves me as quickly as it came.

‘What did you say?’

‘I didn’t say anything.’

‘No, you said something.’

‘I didn’t.’

‘I asked you what I should do, and you replied.’

‘You didn’t ask me anything.’

‘I was just looking for headache medicine and asked you what I should do.’

‘No, you were sitting there reading the classified ads.’

It’s at this point that I feel confused.

My palms go sweaty.

I let the subject drop. I don’t know what else to say.

We finish breakfast and we go for a walk.

The pavement and fresh air are nice.

People stare as they pass me by.

And when we sleep, we sleep like a jigsaw. We trade off breathes as if each exhale was a cue for the other persons inhale. We dance; even in our dreams.

And when I wake I forget that she isn’t real.

And when I wake I don’t care if she is real or not.

And when I wake I hold her as if it were yesterday.

We’re arguing.

‘You need to get a job.’

‘I can’t.’ My voice is restrained.

‘Why not?’

‘I don’t know what I can do.’

‘Do what you did for the last one thousand years.’

‘No one is hiring. This isn’t a world that has new companies springing up every five seconds. We’ve gone as far as we can go.’

‘There has to be a job out there.’ Her voice is low.

‘I thought there would be. When I first lost my job, I thought I could find another one easily. I can’t. When you lose your job, you’re done for. People don’t employ you. People don’t even look at you. I might as well be dead.’

‘We need money. We need to get out of your parent’s place.’

‘I know. I don’t know what to do though. How the fuck are we supposed to get out of here? I’m half crazy as it is.’

‘Shut up.’

And we pause.

There’s a tension.

This feels like an argument we might have had before.

And she starts to cry.

She feels helpless.

I feel helpless.

It’s like I’m suffocating underneath a frozen lake. You can see the world above you, but no matter how hard you try, you can’t get to it.

‘What about your other friends that lost their jobs? What are they doing?’

‘I don’t know. I don’t talk to them.’

‘When was the last time you talked to Franklin?’

‘I don’t know. It’s been years.’

She looks at me in disgust.

‘You’re not supposed to abandon your friends.’

‘I abandoned a lot of things.’

‘You need to hang out with him again.’

I’m worried about myself.

Franklin’s got a beard and a smile. He lets me know that he missed me. I let him know that I missed him. We shake hands and we sit together and we talk as if we never lost touch.

The truth is that it is like we never lost touch. Because relatively speaking it hasn’t been that long since we’ve talked.

I explain that I’m living with my parents.

He laughs.

He tells me he’s living off his savings.

He tells me that he’s still married.

Still cheating on his wife.

Still acting like the same person he was ten years ago.

Like the person he was five hundred years ago.

Franklin hasn’t changed. Franklin doesn’t plan on changing. Franklin doesn’t necessarily need to change.

His wife walks in the room. She wears a frown. She nods hello. She asks if we need anything to eat. We tell her no. She leaves. She goes about her business.

I don’t know if I’ve ever even been formally introduced to her.

‘What brings you here anyway?’

Franklin sounds somewhat curious.

‘Evaline told me I should get back in touch with you.’

‘Oh, she’s back?’

‘Well, yeah, kind of.’

‘Kind of?’

I fidget. I look at the ground. I run my hand along the counter in Franklin’sFranklin’s kitchen and pause and gather my thoughts and try to figure out what I want to say.

‘It’s kind of complicated.’

I don’t want to sound crazy.

‘How so?’

‘Never-mind.’

Franklin gives me a strange look. I can’t seem to make eye contact.

‘Are you sure everything is ok?’

‘I guess.’

‘You guess?’

‘I really don’t think you’d understand.’

‘Try me.’

‘I’d rather not.’

And it goes back and forth like this until we both sound defeated.