Frank Schätzing - Limit

Since then, Amber had looked into the sky more and more often, in the hope of seeing the Ganymede appearing on the horizon, while her hope made way for the horrible certainty that Locatelli hadn’t made it. Momoka, who was driving the second rover, had lapsed into silence. No one was particularly talkative. Only after quite a long time did Amber speak to her father-in-law on a special frequency so that the others couldn’t listen in on the conversation.

‘You kept a few things to yourself back then.’

‘How do you work that out?’

‘Just a gut feeling.’ She scanned the horizon. ‘A little thing that tells women when men are lying or not telling the whole truth.’

‘That’s enough of your intuition.’

‘No, really. It’s just that women are more gifted at lying. We’ve perfected the repertoire of dissimulation – that’s why we can see the truth gleaming as if through fine silk when you lie. You talked about the possibility of an attack. On some Orley facility somewhere or other. Carl runs amok, communication fails, and in retrospect it becomes clear that he went behind your back two days ago and took a night-time joyride on the Lunar Express.’

‘And none of it makes any sense.’

‘No, it does. It makes sense if Carl’s the guy who’s supposed to carry out the attack.’

‘Here on the Moon?’

‘Don’t act like I’m retarded. Here on the Moon! Which would mean that it isn’t just some facility or other , but one in particular.’

They scooted on across the dark, monotonous basalt of the Oceanus Procellarum, already within the vicinity of the Mare Imbrium. For the first time they were able to take the rover up to its top speed, albeit at the cost of a very bumpy ride, as the chassis seesawed up and down and the vehicle kept lifting off the ground. In the distance, hills became visible, the Gruithuisen region, a chain of craters, mountains and extinct volcanic domes that stretched all the way to Cape Heraclides.

‘One more thing,’ said Julian. ‘Can I talk to you about Lynn?’

‘As long as it leads to an answer to my question, whenever you like.’

‘How does she seem to you?’

‘She’s got a problem.’

‘Tim’s always saying that.’

‘Given that he’s always saying it, you really don’t listen to him very often.’

‘Because he’s always going on at me! You know that. It’s impossible to say a sensible word about the girl to him!’

‘Perhaps because good sense hasn’t much to do with her condition.’

‘Then you tell me what her problem is.’

‘Her imagination, I would say.’

‘Oh, brilliant!’ snorted Julian. ‘If that were the case, I’d be inundated with problems.’

‘When the imagination overpowers reason, it’s always a kind of madness,’ Amber observed sententiously. ‘You’re a bit mad too, but you’re a special case. You distribute your madness to everybody with both hands, you cultivate it, people applaud you for it. You love your madness, and that’s why it loves you and enables you to save the world. Have you ever been troubled by the idea that you might have overstretched yourself?’

‘I worry about making wrong decisions.’

‘That’s not the same thing. I mean, do you ever feel anything like anxiety?’

‘Everyone gets frightened.’

‘Hang on there. Fear. Slight difference! Fear is the result of your startled reason, my dear Julian, it’s real, because it’s object-related and because it’s explained by concrete factors. We’re afraid of dogs, drunk Arsenal fans and possible changes to tax legislation. I’m talking about anxiety. The vague fog in which anything at all might be lurking. The anxiety that you might fail, that you might fall short, you might have misjudged yourself, that you might cause some sort of disaster, paralysing anxiety, the fear of yourself, in the end. Ever have that?’

‘Hmm.’ Julian fell silent for a moment. ‘Should I?’

‘No, what would be the point? You are who you are. But Lynn isn’t like that.’

‘She’s never said anything about anxiety.’

‘Wrong. You weren’t listening, because your ears were always full of adrenalin. Do you at least know what happened five years ago?’

‘I know she had a huge amount to do. My fault, perhaps. But I said take a rest, didn’t I? And she did. And after that she built the Stellar Island Hotel, the OSS Grand, Gaia, she was more efficient than ever. So if it’s exhaustion that you’re all making such a fuss about, then—’

‘We’re not making a fuss,’ Amber said, annoyed now. ‘And by the way, I was always the one who defended you to Tim, so much so that he’s been asking me if I get money for it. And every time I say, “Blessed are the ignorant.” Believe me, Julian, I’m on your side, I’ve always had a heart for slow-witted people, I can even see some lovable aspects in your boneheadedness; maybe that’s a product of social work. So I actually love you for not understanding the slightest thing, but that doesn’t mean it has to stay that way, does it? And you still haven’t worked out what’s going on.’

‘That’s enough.’

‘Just to remind you, it was you who wanted to talk to me about Lynn rather than answering my question.’

‘So explain to me what’s wrong with her.’

‘You want me to explain your daughter’s psyche to you, here in the middle of the Oceanus Procellarum?’

‘I’d be grateful for any attempt to do so.’

‘Oh my good God.’ She thought for a second. ‘Okay, then, the headlines: do you believe Lynn was suffering from exhaustion back then?’

‘Yes.’

‘Would you be surprised if I told you that overwork was the least of Lynn’s problems? Otherwise she could never have run Orley Travel or built your hotels. No, her problem is that as soon as she closes her eyes, mini-Lynns of every age start crowding in on her. Baby Lynns, child Lynns, teenager Lynns, daughter Lynns, Daddy’s-little-girl Lynns, who think they can only earn your recognition by becoming an even tougher cookie than you are. Lynn is absolutely terrified of this army from the past, which controls her day and night. She thinks control is everything. But she’s even more afraid of losing control, because she’s worried that something terrible might come to light, a Lynn who can’t exist, or perhaps even no Lynn at all, because the end of control would also mean the end of her existence. Do you understand?’

‘I’m not entirely sure,’ said Julian, like someone moving through a forest dotted with mantraps.

‘For Lynn, the idea of not having herself under control is more than frightening. For her, the loss of control basically means madness. She’s afraid of ending up like Crystal.’

‘You mean—’ He hesitated. ‘She’s afraid of going mad ?’

‘Tim thinks that’s the case. He’s spent more time with her, he’s bound to know better, but I think, yes, that’s it exactly. Or it was five years ago.’

‘ That’s what she’s afraid of?’

‘Afraid of failing, afraid of losing control and losing her mind. But what frightened her most were the terrible things she might be capable of in order to stay in control. By the way, did you know that suicide is also an act of control?’

‘Why are you talking about suicide now, for heaven’s sake?’

‘Come on, Julian.’ Amber sighed. ‘Because it’s all part of it. It doesn’t have to be physical suicide. I mean any act of self-destruction, destruction of your health, your existence, as soon as the fear of being exposed to destruction by outside forces becomes unbearable. You’d rather destroy yourself than let someone else do it. The ultimate act of control.’