Gord Zajac - Major Karnage

“An opportunity of a lifetime,” the first Patrick said.

“A partnership,” the second one said.

“A partnership like no other,” said the third.

Mayhem gestured towards the three Patricks. “I appreciate the tact you’ve shown in not asking about my ‘comrades.’ They are the keystone to the structure of my entire organization. Right before the blight of World Peace fell upon the earth, my top scientists were hard at work on a militarized variation of cloning technology.”

“Human bio-engineering.” Karnage looked over the three smiling Patricks. “That’s a direct violation of military ordinance number 778A5-3.”

Mayhem waved him off. “Yes, yes, of course it is. But you of all people should understand the need to occasionally bend the rules in the name of the greater good.”

“That doesn’t mean experimentin’ on your own men,” Karnage barked.

“Of course not,” Mayhem said. “And I did nothing of the sort. I was the sole test subject. And as you can see, the results were astounding. We learned to accelerate the growth rate. Discovered how to implant memories, emotions…”

“Experiences,” the first Patrick said.

“All of human consciousness,” said the second.

“The very soul,” said the third.

Mayhem motioned to his clones. “What you see standing before you are not merely carbon copies of myself. They are me.”

“We are me,” the first one said.

“So very me,” the second said.

“Delightfully me,” said the third.

“Why do they keep repeating you like that?” Karnage said.

“They can’t help it,” Mayhem said. The clones nodded.

“We can’t,” the first one said.

“It’s instinct,” said the second.

“Completely involuntary,” said the third.

“The consciousness transfer creates a permanent link between the clones and the host,” Mayhem said. “In essence, we share one mind.”

“One mind,” said the first.

“And many bodies,” said the second.

“So very many bodies,” said the third.

“So if I were to get up and kick one of you in the nuts,” Karnage said, “you’d all double over in pain?”

“It’s not quite like that, Major,” Mayhem said. “While we are cognizant of the others’ thoughts and experiences, we are still individuals. We are more an interconnected network of minds and experiences. A hive mind, if you like. While each of us is a thinking individual, we are connected to a greater whole. And that whole is so much greater than any individual part.”

Like the squidbugs, Karnage thought. “Why are you telling me all this, Mayhem? What the hell does all this have to do with me?”

Mayhem clapped his hands together in delight. “Why, everything, Major!”

“Everything,” said the first.

“Everything,” said the second.

“Everything,” said the third.

“I am dying,” Mayhem said. “Once I die, my reign will come to an end. My clones will live on, of course. They will live out their natural lifespan, and eventually die out as well. And my empire will die with them.”

“Why not just clone the clones?” Karnage said.

Mayhem shook his head. “I have tried, but… errors pop up in the process.”

The clones shook their heads in unison.

“Artifacts,” said the first.

“Mutations,” said the second.

“It’s not pretty,” said the third.

Mayhem’s eyes sparkled. “But that is where you come in, Major. I wish for you to become my successor. To take up the mantle, and take this organization boldly into the next century.”

Karnage’s eyes goggled. “Are you kidding me?”

Mayhem shook his head. “Oh no, Major.”

“We’re very serious,” said the first.

“Quite serious,” said the second.

“Couldn’t be more serious if we tried,” said the third.

“But what about the invasion? The squidbugs?”

Mayhem waved him off. “The players may change, but the game always stays the same. There will always be a need for our services.” Mayhem tapped a finger against his lips. “We will change your name, of course. Perhaps introduce you to our clients as a new partner. Call you John, perhaps.”

“What do you think?” said the first.

“Too on the nose?” said the second.

“We could come up with a more clever nom d’espionage, if you like,” said the third.

“So you’re just gonna clone me and take me out and pretend I’m somebody else, and you don’t think anybody out there is gonna recognize me?!”

“Of course they would—if we sent you . But we wouldn’t be sending you out on assignments.” Mayhem motioned to the cargo container door. The Patricks opened it, and a silhouetted figure stood on the threshold. “We would be sending him.”

Karnage stared at the figure. It was Karnage, thirty years younger. He had dark black hair where Karnage’s was grey. Smooth supple skin where Karnage’s was scarred and wrinkled. He was Karnage in his prime.

Karnage’s clone walked into the cargo container, squinting into the darkness. He looked as bewildered as Karnage felt. He wore a chauffeur outfit like the Patricks. Karnage recognized the wary look in his eyes, the stillness in his body, the deceptive looseness in his limbs. He could sense the clone’s nervous energy.

Karnage’s stomach dropped. He could sense more than the clone’s energy in the room: he could sense him . As soon as the container doors had opened, it had felt like someone had cracked open a tiny door in his mind. Thoughts and emotions were flowing down through it. The presence of this clone was slowly cutting into Karnage’s brain like a knife through a roast. He could feel the presence of the clone’s thoughts inside his own. It made him want to throw up. The clone felt the same. They looked at each other, both horrified to realize they were sharing the same feelings of surprise and confusion.

They both turned to Mayhem. “What gives you—”

“—the right?!”

The two Karnages looked at each other in shock.

“Stop that,” Karnage said.

“Stop that.” The clone said barely a half-second behind. “I said stop it!”

“I said stop it!”

They both rounded on Mayhem.

“You’re mad!” Karnage strained at his bonds.

“You’re fucking mad!” The clone Karnage tried to charge at Mayhem. The Patricks grabbed him, holding him back.

Mayhem nodded eagerly, looking from the younger Karnage to the older. “It’s a mad world we’re living in, isn’t it, Major? Where great men like us are forced down into the sewers of society, while the vermin scuttle up into gleaming corner offices and heap riches and accolades upon themselves. This is your chance to grab a piece of that for yourself. We’ll show these fools what real power is. I’ll even give you top billing.”

“Karnage & Mayhem,” said the first.

“Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?” said the second.

“Like an old vaudeville routine,” said the third.

“Karnage & Mayhem: One Night Only,” the second one shouted.

“Held over due to popular demand,” cried the first.

“We can’t exactly hang that on a sign out front,” Mayhem said, “but it can be our own private little joke. Karnage & Mayhem: together at last! Oh, how we’ll laugh. We’ll laugh at those bastards’ expense.” Mayhem grew more intense. “We’ll laugh and we’ll laugh…” Mayhem’s face contorted with rage. “We’ll laugh until their blood is running in the streets!”

Mayhem fell into a coughing fit. He grasped for the oxygen mask on his chest and placed it over his mouth, sucking greedily. The Patricks picked up on his mania.

“In the streets!” the first cried.