Gord Zajac - Major Karnage

“Like squidbugs?”

“NO! Like squiggles! Squiggly like the walls! Squiggly like the worms! Squiggly like the squiggles on Cookie’s arms! Goddammit, Captain, can’t you see the connection? Its all fallin’ into place. They got squiggly tentacles, too, and they shoot giant squiggly balls of electricity from their squiggly spears and… quit lookin’ at me like that! They’re here! I’ve seen ’em!”

“Where? Where are they? Where are these aliens?”

Karnage eyed every darkened corner suspiciously. “That’s just it. They could be anywhere. All around us. Ready to attack at any moment. Now get these cuffs off of me before they launch their squiggly squidbug attack!”

“They could be anywhere?”

“That’s right. Anywhere. Just lurking, waiting for the right moment to strike.”

“Where?”

“Where what?”

“Where are they hiding? Why can’t we see them?”

Karnage leaned in close and hissed. “That’s cuz they’re invisible.”

“Invisible?”

“Yes!”

“And you’ve seen these invisible aliens?”

“YES!”

“Are you seeing any right now?”

“No! They’re not actually invisible. It’s more like camouflage— goddammit, Captain, get these handcuffs off of me!”

“So far, Major, you have said nothing to make me want to do that.”

A squiggly squeal echoed in the distance. Sydney turned in its direction. “What the hell was that?”

“That,” Karnage replied, “was a squidbug.”

Sydney backed down the corridor. “It sounded like a worm.”

“They all sound like that,” Karnage said.

Sydney rounded on Karnage, her eyes narrowed to suspicious slits. “This is a military thing, isn’t it? That worm was some kind of superweapon, wasn’t it? Some mutated superweapon grown out of control—”

“Now who sounds ridiculous? Why can’t you accept the simple fact that this is aliens?”

Sydney looked around. She shook her head. “That’s just so crazy. I mean, this place doesn’t look that alien.”

Karnage did a doubletake. “What do you mean it doesn’t look alien?! What the hell do you want it to look like?”

Sydney shrugged. “I don’t know. Just more… alien.”

They heard another squiggly scream, much closer this time.

Karnage rounded on Sydney. “Captain, with all due respect, get these fuckin’ cuffs offa me!”

Sydney shook her head. “I’m not convinced. I have to see ’em for myself.”

“So we’re just gonna wait here until one of those squiggly bastards comes up and bites us in the ass! Jesus, Captain, what do I gotta do to prove it to you?”

As if on cue, a collection of white slivers of light shot through the walls and collected in a nodule by a door. The door spiralled open, and a squidbug that had been leaning on the door stumbled back and fell out. Other squidbugs sat inside, collected around an old car idling in the room. Bits of broken hoverball shell lay around it. The room was thick with grey smoke. A garden hose had been taped to the car’s exhaust, and a squidbug was sucking on the end of it. His eyes were crossed and purple polka-dots covered his skin. He passed the hose to the next squidbug who eagerly sucked on the end and turned a kind of chartreuse shade of plaid.

The squidbug that lay at Karnage’s and Sydney’s feet groggily stood and shook its head. It looked at Karnage and Sydney with crossed eyes. It worked hard at uncrossing its eyes and focused on Karnage and Sydney. It blinked slowly as its skin changed colour from green paisley to blue ripples. Its eyes suddenly went wide and its skin flowed to solid purple then dark red. It raised its mouth tentacles, exposing a clawed beak, and screeched at Sydney.

Sydney whipped her pistol from her belt and fired a shot of goober in the squidbug’s face. The alien’s head disappeared in an expanding ball of goober as it staggered back into the room. It crashed into the car, kicking the garden hose out of the exhaust. The other squidbugs finally looked up from the hose at their struggling companion. Gradually, they turned their attention to Karnage and Sydney and worked hard at uncrossing their eyes.

Karnage and Sydney backed away from the door.

“Is that enough empirical evidence for you, Captain?” Karnage said.

Sydney nodded. “That should just about do it.”

The squidbugs slowly rose to their feet as their eyes focused on Karnage and Sydney.

“How many rounds you got left in that goober gun?” Karnage said.

“Not enough,” Sydney said.

One of the squidbugs turned dark crimson. It reached down for a squiggly spear lying on the floor.

“Only one thing left do,” Karnage said.

“What’s that?”

“Run!”

They raced down the corridor, the squidbugs stumbling after them. The aliens levelled their energy spears at Karnage and Sydney, and fired balls of energy at them. The balls went ridiculously wide, slamming into the floor and ceiling far behind them. One of the squidbugs tripped on his spear and accidentally shot himself. He vaporized instantly.

“These guys are the worst shots I’ve ever seen!” Sydney said.

“Quit bitching!” Karnage stumbled and nearly fell. “You picked a helluva time to come around! You know that?”

“Now who’s bitching?!”

“I am! And I got every right to! You know how hard it is to run in handcuffs?”

“How was I supposed to know there were aliens?”

“How about because I fuckin’ well told you?”

“I make it a point never to trust anybody in handcuffs.”

A crackling ball of green energy flew over their heads.

“Maybe you should rethink that policy!”

“I’ll take it under advisement.”

They rounded a corner, and came face to face with a sealed door. “How do you open this thing?” Sydney said.

Karnage motioned with his head at the nodules beside the door. “It has something to do with this.”

Sydney pressed it and punched it, but nothing happened. “How does it work?”

“I don’t know. I just pushed it, and it worked.”

“It’s not working now.”

“I can see that.”

Energy blasts shot wildly down the corridor, some of them disturbingly close.

“Goddammit, we have to do something!”

Karnage kicked the nodule. “Open up, you stupid monkeyfucker!” White light burst out of the nodule and flowed into the floor. The Sanity Patch crooned “Coral Essence” as the floor spiralled open beneath them.

They fell into the bowels of the ship.

Karnage plummeted through twisting pipes, slid through long chutes, and spiralled through giant drains, liquid flowing all around him. An occasional burst of white light shot down the tunnel in front of him, opening up new chutes while sealing off others, redirecting his course as he alternately slid and fell deeper into the squidbug ship.

The tunnel finally gave way to open air, and he fell through the pitch black and landed with a splash into liquid. It stung his eyes and tasted like toxic sludge. He tried to kick his way to the surface. The handcuffs holding his arms behind his back did nothing to help.

He wasn’t sure if he was swimming up to the surface or down into the depths. He just kept kicking, hoping eventually he’d reach the top. He felt something grab his collar and pull him sideways. His head broke the surface and he gasped for air.

Karnage could feel Sydney pulling again as she swam towards a circle of white light shining in the distance. It illuminated a halfopen grate in the wall, just above the water level. A particularly large wave slapped her full in the mouth.

She spat out a mouthful of foul liquid. “Christ, this stuff tastes awful!”