Atwood Margaret - The Heart Goes Last

Then Ed unglues himself from her arm, straightens his tie, and walks to the podium. He clears his throat and out pours his TV voice, warm and reassuring, strong and believable. It comes to her as bursts of sound, like a scratched cd. Brought together malfunction regrettable solemn deplorable admirable brave enduring heroic forever. Then, Join loss spouse help hope community .

If she didn’t know the truth, Charmaine would be convinced. More than convinced, won over. Get through it, you windbag, she thinks at Ed.

Now six of Stan’s Team are moving forward. Now they’re rolling the coffin down the aisle. Now the music starts up: “Side By Side.”

I can’t take this, thinks Charmaine. That should have been us, me and Stan, travelling along as we used to, through all kinds of weather, even inside that smelly old car, just as long as we’re together. Here come the tears again.

“Stand up,” Aurora is telling her. “You need to follow the coffin.”

“I can’t, I can’t see,” Charmaine gasps.

“I’ll help you. Up you come! People will want to pay their respects at the reception.”

Reception. Egg salad sandwiches with the crusts cut off. Asparagus pinwheels. Lemon squares. “To me? Respects?” Charmaine stifles a sob. That’s all she needs, a hysterical outburst. “I couldn’t, I couldn’t eat anything!” Why does death make people so hungry?

“Take a deep breath,” says Aurora. “That’s better. You’ll shake their hands and smile, it’s all they expect. Then I’ll drive with you back to the house, and we can discuss your grief therapy. Consilience always provides that.”

“I don’t need any grief therapy!” Charmaine almost screams.

“Oh, you do,” says Aurora with her sham compassion. “Oh, I think you really do.”

We’ll see about that, Charmaine thinks. She starts to pace down the aisle, Aurora’s steadying hand on her elbow. Ed has materialized again and flanks her on the other side, his arm stuck onto her back like a squid.

Perfect

Budge eases the door open, stands aside to let Stan go first. The room they enter is the closest thing to a genuine old-fashioned room that Stan has seen in some time. The Dimple Robotics golf course had a bar like that. There’s wood panelling, there are floor-length curtains, there are oriental carpets. There’s a fire burning in the fireplace, or a quasi-fire: gas, maybe. There’s a leather-look sofa in front of it.

Sitting on the sofa with her long legs stretched out is one of the most gorgeous women Stan has ever seen. Lustrous dark hair, shoulder-length; perfect tits, the tops of them just barely displayed. She’s wearing a simple black sheath, a single strand of pearls. What a classy piece of ass, thinks Stan.

She smiles at him, the neutral smile she might give a puppy, or an elderly aunt. There’s no charge coming from her, no chemistry.

“Stan, I’d like you to meet Veronica,” says Budge. “Veronica, this is Stan.”

“Veronica,” says Stan. Is this the same Veronica? That hooker from PixelDust who Charmaine used to tell him wasn’t really her friend? If so, she’s had quite a makeover. She’d been pretty before, but now she’s drop-dead stunning. “Do I know you?” he asks, then feels dumb because every man she meets must ask her that.

“Possibly,” says Veronica, “but the past no longer applies.” She extends a hand. Manicured nails, burgundy. Expensive watch, Rolex. Cool palm. She gives him an LED smile: light, but no heat. “I understand I’m taking you to the other side.”

Stan shakes the hand. Take me fucking anywhere, he thinks. This is what he once thought Jasmine would look like, though Jasmine had only ever been a fantasy. He needs to watch it here, not let himself be hauled around by the gonads. Listen up, he tells his dick silently. Keep it zipped.

“Sit down, have a drink,” says Veronica.

“Do you live here?” says Stan.

“Live?” says Veronica. She arches a perfect eyebrow.

“This is the honeymoon suite,” says Budge. “Or one of them. Where the customized individuals first meet their … their …”

“Their owners,” says Veronica with a precious-metal laugh. “It’s supposed to be lust at first sight on behalf of the, of the people like me, but they missed the target in my case. The man walked in to collect on his investment and there was nothing.”

“Nothing?” says Stan. Why isn’t she angry? But Budge said they weren’t, or not so you’d notice. They don’t seem to miss what they’ve lost.

“No spark between us. Not a twinge. He was furious about it, but there was nothing I could do. Consilience gave him the choice of a refund or a second pick. He’s still thinking about it.”

“They couldn’t do Veronica over again,” says Budge. “Too risky. She might come out drooling.”

“He wanted just me,” says Veronica, shrugging. “But I can’t. It wasn’t my fault.”

“It was some stupid, well-meaning nurse,” says Budge. “The guy’s photo was there, as agreed, in case he got held up in a meeting. But the nurse gave her a comfort toy. Like she was a kid.”

“My head was turned that way, so he was the first thing I saw,” says Veronica. “His two gorgeous eyes, gazing into mine.” The mishap doesn’t seem to have bothered her. “Luckily I can take my loved one with me everywhere I go. I keep him in this carry bag, right here. I’d show him to you, but I might lose control. Even talking about him is the most incredible turn-on for me.”

“But,” says Stan. “But you’re so beautiful!” Is this a joke, are the two of them messing with him? If not, what a fucking waste. “Have you tried –”

“Any other man? I’m afraid it’s no use,” says Veronica. “I’m just plain frigid when it comes to real live men. The mere thought of them in that way makes me feel a little sick. That was programmed in when they did the operation.”

“But she’s smart,” says Budge. “Good in an emergency, and she has a swift kick. And she follows orders, so long as it isn’t about sex. So you’ll be in safe hands.”

“And I won’t rape you,” says Veronica with a sweet smile.

If only, thinks Stan. “Mind if I look?” he asks politely, indicating the black carry bag. He has an urge to see what he’s already thinking of as his rival.

“It’s okay,” says Veronica. “Go ahead. You’ll laugh. I know you don’t believe me about this whole thing, but it’s true. So I’m just telling you: don’t have any hopes about me. I’d hate to wreck your nuts.”

Not such a total makeover, thinks Stan. She’s still got her street mouth.

The bag has a zipper. Stan undoes it. Inside, staring up at him with its round blank eyes, is a blue knitted teddy bear.

Grief Therapy

Charmaine makes it through the reception somehow. She manages the receiving line and the hand-clasping and the meaningful glances, and the arm strokings, and even the hugs from both of her teddy bear knitting groups. That second group hardly talked to her at all, as if she’d done something wrong; but now that she has done something wrong they’re all mushy and huggy, with their breaths of egg salad sandwiches. Which just goes to show, as Grandma Win would have said. But what does it go to show? That people are delusional?

We’re so sorry for your loss . Buzz off! Charmaine wants to yell. But she smiles feebly and says to each one of them, Oh, thank you. Thank you for all your support. Including when I really needed it and you treated me like puppy throw-up.

Now they’re in Aurora’s car, and Aurora’s in the front seat, and Charmaine is eating the asparagus pinwheel she wrapped in a paper napkin and tucked into her clutch bag when no one was looking, because despite everything she has to keep up her strength. And now they’re at Charmaine’s house, and Aurora is removing her unflattering black hat in front of the hall mirror. And now she’s saying, “Let’s just kick off our shoes and get comfortable. I’ll make some tea, and then we can start your grief therapy.” She smiles with her stretched-back face. For a fleeting instant, she looks afraid; but what has she got to be afraid of? Nothing. Unlike Charmaine.