Kris Wilder - The Little Black Book of Violence

Responding is a planned course of action, one that leaves you in control of your emotions and actions. Reacting, on the other hand, cedes control to the opponent.

So, you may be asking yourself, “Does that sort of thing really happen in real life? Come on, man, dying from a fistfight? That’s outrageous.” Unfortunately, it is not only possible, but also even probable. It happens all the time.

For example, Mark Leidheisl, 39, a regional senior vice president for Wells Fargo Bank, died on April 20, 2005, from a blunt force trauma injury to the head. Sacramento police reported that the incident that led to Leidheisl’s death might have been fueled by road rage and that he appeared to have been the aggressor. An unmarked medicine bottle in Leidheisl’s car contained Paxil (an antidepressant), morphine (a powerful painkiller), and an unidentified third pill type. Tests later found that he had a blood alcohol level of at least 0.13 (more than the legal driving limit of 0.08) and opiates in his system. Drugs, alcohol, and violence frequently go together, with very bad results.

Here’s what happened: Reports state that Leidheisl allegedly cut off another vehicle while driving out of Arco Arena’s parking lot after the Wednesday night game. Leidheisl, a friend and the two men in the other vehicle reportedly exchanged heated words, stopped and got out of their vehicles on a nearby street. During the subsequent fight, Leidheisl fell and hit his head on the pavement, causing the fatal injury. The suspects from the other vehicle, ages 43 and 44, reportedly left but contacted police after seeing news reports about how seriously Leidheisl was hurt.

District Attorney Jan Scully told reporters, “After a thorough review of the police investigation, it is clear that Mark Leidheisl died as a result of mutual combat between him and Jeffrey Berndt. One punch thrown in self-defense by Jeffrey Berndt struck Mark Leidheisl in the face, causing him to fall backwards striking his head on the asphalt pavement. This fall fractured Leidheisl’s skull, causing his death.”

A few moments of road rage, or perhaps more accurately parking lot rage, and a guy was dead. Not just any guy, mind you, but someone with a great career, a ton of friends, a wonderful family, and a whole lot to live for. Now, Leidheisl’s wife Holly and his 12-year-old son Taylor will never see him again. It was not intentional, of course, but accidents can and do happen. Do you want to be responsible for an accidental death because you lost your temper? Even if you are not charged with a crime, could you live with yourself afterward knowing that you’ve taken a life and destroyed a family? While it may be pretty easy to rationalize what you did, justifying your actions in your own mind for the first few years, it’s really tough to wake up every day for the rest of your life to the knowledge that you are a killer.

Anger should be used strategically as a tool, never as an unchecked emotion. If you really are upset about something, you generally cannot afford to show it. On the job, you can be perceived as a “loose cannon” by your manager and/or co-workers, facing disciplinary action or possible termination. At home or among friends, you can irreparably harm your interpersonal relationships. Walking away until you can control your anger is best.

While it may be pretty easy to rationalize what you did at the time, particularly if it was truly was self-defense, it’s really tough to wake up every day for the rest of your life to the knowledge that you are a killer.

If you need to prove a point and you are not actually furious, on the other hand, feigned anger can sometimes be an effective tool. Consider disciplining children—if you yell at them too often they become desensitized. If you do it judiciously, they may learn important life lessons and grow up to become better people. The same thing applies to venting feigned rage. You can get away with it only rarely, however, since the vast majority of people remember negative emotions longer than positive ones, hence a long memory of your actions. That means that you really need to save this tactic for the time at which you need it the most.

In his best-selling book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People , business guru Steven Covey described a concept called idiosyncratic credit. You can think of it as an emotional bank account. Whenever you do good things for the people you are close to and treat them with dignity and respect, you build up credit in your account. Whenever you become abrasive or insensitive, you make withdrawals. So long as the balance remains positive, you remain on their “good” side. Blowing up at someone uses up a huge amount of idiosyncratic credit so make your withdrawals wisely.

Avoid the escalato follies at all costs. Keep your ego in check. In addition, do your best to verbally de-escalate a confrontation before it becomes violent. Apologizing for some perceived slight, even when you did nothing wrong, often beats the alternative.

Muggers, thugs, robbers, bullies, gang bangers, and rapists all have one thing in common: They are happy to dish out pain, but are quite reluctant to be on the receiving end of it. Consequently, before a bad guy tees off on you, he will evaluate his odds of success. This evaluation is often called an “interview.” Unlike a job search, however, this is one interview that you really do not want to pass. Passing means that you appear to be an easy target. To the other guy, you’ve got a giant “V” for victim stamped on your forehead. This interview may be conducted by a single individual or a group of thugs. Either way, knowing the common tactics people who mean you harm might employ can help you respond appropriately.

During these interviews, your goal is to be both calm and resolute. This is Condition Red stuff, a specific threat aimed squarely toward you, so be prepared to act accordingly. If you are approached by a single individual, be wary of bystanders who may join him. Don’t forget to glance behind you when prudent because his partner(s) may be approaching from that direction. Use reflections and shadows to sense what’s going on. Furthermore, pay attention to escape routes should you need to fight your way free. Be wary of the bad guy’s hands, particularly if you cannot see both of them, as he may very well be armed and preparing to use his weapon against you.

Before a bad guy attacks he will evaluate his odds of success. In general, the less you look and act like a victim during this “interview” process, the safer you will be.

The less you look and act like a victim during the interview process, the safer you will be. It helps to know what you might face and visualize how best to respond ahead of time. There are five different types of interviews, which you may encounter: (1) hot (spur of the moment), (2) escalating, (3) regular, (4) silent, and (5) prolonged.