Anonymous - Pearl

Into a pond. I gave a screech,

For a blood-thirsty, hungry leech

Did suck my Ass!

And oh! his fate I do bewail,

He backed one day against a rail,

And a long, pointed, rusty nail

Stuck in my Ass!

Alas his end I soon did see;

A woodman cutting down a tree,

Did slip, and, barely missing me,

Did axe my Ass!

I saw him die, I watched the gore

Run from the wound as home they bore

My dearest friend — my wounded, sore,

And bloody Ass!

My grief for him was most sincere,

The pain was more than I could bear,

So now, kind friend, come shed a tear

Upon my Ass!

Perhaps this epitaph is odd—

"A better donkey never trod,

Here lies beneath this friendly sod,

My Ass!"

THE SWING.

How oft I've sworn to Caroline,

The world no sight can show,

To match her locks, her lips divine,

Her bosom's hills of snow.

But oh! I find myself forsworn,

Two lips I have beheld;

Still lovelier, on this happy morn,

A mount that those excell'd!

For chance has shewn me all that lies

Beneath her virgin zone;

Sure never seen by any eyes

Of man, save mine alone!

As o'er my face the swing I drove,

As wider flew her thighs;

The opening heaven itself o' love

Met my delighted eyes!

Her bosom boasts no swell so fair

No tints that these eclipse;

Her head has no such auburn hair,

Nor such enchanting lips!

Yes I've beheld the mossy mount,

Where all the graces centre;

I've seen the rosy, nectar'd fount,

Where he she loves shall enter!

While from within her petticoat,

A warm and savoury breeze,

Full in my face, would sweetly float,

Loaded with ecstasies!

Then be not wrath my matchless maid,

Nor blush so deep with shame;

Nor I attack'd nor you betray'd,

Let chance then bear the blame!

Oh pardon me, and I'll confess,

That henceforth when I gaze

Upon the beauties of thy face,

My fancy elsewhere strays!

Then if a reddy conscious blush,

Thy angel forehead warms;

Upon our souls the hour shall rush,

That shew'd thy inmost charms.

When John Scott was minister of Dundee, he reproved Alick Anderson for ill-treating his wife; Alick tried to justify his conduct, but the minister observed, "Ou Alick mon, there must be something wrong on both sides!" "True very true," cried Alick, "she has neither bubbies nor buttocks!"

There was a young lady of Harwich,

Who said on the morn of her marriage:

"I shall sew my chemise,

Right down to my knees,

For I'm damned if I fuck in the carriage!'

MISS COOTE'S CONFESSION,

or the voluptuous experiences of an old maid;

In a. series of Letters to a Lady Friend.

letter VII.

My dear Nellie,—

In my last letter you had an account of some pretty everyday larceny, but in this you will read about a pretty young lady who was also a thief by nature, not from any necessity; in fact, it was a case of what they call in these degenerate days Kleptomania; no wonder when downright thieving is called by such an outlandish name that milk-and-water people have almost succeeded in abolishing the good old institution of the rod.

Miss Selina Richards was a cousin of Laura Sandon, my old schoolfellow and first bedfellow at Miss Flaybum's; bye-the-bye, can you explain or did you ever understand how girls can be fellows, but I know of no other term which will apply to the relationship in question. Is there no feminine to that word? It certainly is a defect of the English language.

Well, being on a visit to Laura when I was about eighteen, she mentioned the case to me, saying that her cousin Selina was such an inveterate thief her family were positively afraid to let her go anywhere from home for fear she should get into trouble, and that her parents were obliged to confine her to her room when they had visitors in the house, as the young thief would secrete any trifles, more especially jewelry, she could lay her hands upon, "and you know, Rosa, what an awful disgrace it would be to all the family if she should ever be accused of such a thing."

ROSA. — "But have they never punished her properly, to try and eradicate the vice?"

laura. — "They confine her to her room, and often keep the child on bread and water for a week, but all the starving and lecturing in the world won't do any good."

rosa. — "Have they never tried a good whipping?"

laura. — "It never seems to have entered the stupid heads of her father and mother; they are too tender-hearted for anything of that kind."

rosa. — "Laura, dear, I don't mind confessing to you I should dearly love to birch the little voleuse; ever since I left school our last grand seance at the breaking-up party has quite fascinated me — when I think over the beautiful sight of the red bleeding posteriors, the blushes of shame and indignation of the victims, and above all the enjoyment of their distress at being so humiliated and disgraced before others. We often enjoy our old schoolbirchings in private, and a little while ago I administered an awful whipping to our gardener's wife and her two little girls for stealing my fruit, etc., and effected quite a" cure, they are strictly honest now. You are coming to see us soon, can't you persuade your uncle and aunt to entrust Selina to your care, with the promise that I am to be thoroughly informed of her evil propensity; on second thoughts I think you should say you have told me, and that I offer to try and cure the girl, if they will only give me a carte blanche to punish her in my own way. You will have a great treat, we shall shock the girl's modesty by stripping and exposing her, you will see how delightful the sight of her pretty form is added to the distressing sense of humiliation we will make her feel; the real lovers of the birch watch and enjoy all the expressions of the victim's face, and do all they can to increase the sense of degradation, as well as to inflict terrible and prolonged torture by skilful appliance of the rod, and placing the victim in most painful, distended positions to receive her chastisement."

laura. — "What an ogress of cruelty you have become Rosa!"

rosa, kissing her. — "So will you my dear, with a little more experience, you are much older than me, but really younger in that respect; by judicious use of the rod a club of ladies could enjoy every sensual feeling of pleasure without the society of men. I mean to marry the birch (in fact I am already wedded to it), and retain my fortune as my independence."

laura. — "What a paragon of virtue, do I really understand you pander to your sensuality without intercourse with men?"

rosa. — "Come and see, that is my only answer to such a dear sceptic, only manage to bring the pretty voleuse with you, and you will have every reason to be satisfied with your visit."

Laura was quite successful in her application to the parents of Selina; they thought the visit might perhaps result in some good to their daughter, and readily gave all the required assurances as to liberty of inflicting punishment for any little dishonesty we might detect.

On their arrival at our house Selina was allotted a small room to herself, whilst Laura asked and was allowed to be my bedfellow again. Nothing was put out of the way, as I was so thoroughly assured of the honesty of all about me, and felt certain that if Miss Selina did steal anything, she could only secrete it and would have no opportunity to dispose of the plunder, so we might be sure to recover all our lost property.

Miss Richards had received a very careful education, and, in general, was a most interesting young lady, and apparently very modest and retiring.

Several days passed very pleasantly, and it almost seemed as if Missie's fingers had forgot their cunning. I was just beginning to fear we might lose our victim for want of a fair opportunity, but it turned out to be only a kind of natural shyness, which would disappear when she found herself quite at home.