Anonymous - Pearl

In this short sketch of my adventures it would be impossible to describe everything at great length, but I can assure you the ladies fairly exhausted the gentlemen before they allowed themselves to be driven home to dinner.

(To be continued.)

THE OTHER WAY.

Henry lived six gay years in Rome,

His mistress was a kind Machese.

Her daughter bright in childish bloom,

Charmed him with pretty loving ways.

Mama encouraged him to take

The budding virgin's maidenhead,

But this displeased the virtuous rake,

The girl was soon about to wed.

Mama replied, "Why should you hesitate?

True it is disapproved by some,

But if you are so very delicate,

Can't you just fuck her in the bum?"

TWO EXTRAORDINARY LETTERS;

Produced in, the Case of the Duchess of Cleaveland, in a Tryal against her husband, Robert Fielding, Esq., in the Arches Court of Canterbury, in the year, 1707.

Dear Wife,—

Puggy's indisposition has made me against my will indebted to my dear wife, for a kind billet she brought me before this she sent me this morning, which I hope will safely kiss her hands, for the contrivance of conveying it is very ingenious. You'd have reason to pity Puggy if you knew all, that is to say, I believe she is in your condition, which news from my dearest wife, if it be confirmed, I fancy I should hardly ever survive the joy and transport, therefore for God's sake, confirm it, as soon as you are sure matters are fixed. I hope you remember the dear, dear day of my having you in my naked arms and seized, possessed myself of all those charming treasures my dear had till then denied me. But then! blest be the memory of so much bliss, then, I say, opened those flood gates of happiness, and sure you must remember that.

"Like night and heat incorporate we lay,

We blest the night and cursed the coming day."

Nay, even still, whenever I think of that night's way of passing our time, and how my dear assisted me to get into the inmost closet of her dearest womb; methinks I fucked again with height of pleasure, and fucked and fucked till I dissolved with pleasure; make haste, then, my dearest Nannette, to your husband's arms to-morrow night, as you promised me by Puggy, that we may again repeat those pleasures. And though I believe I made my love a little sore, as I was myself the first time we tryed, yet now matters will be more easy. I am sure the head of your poor playfellow was so swelled by the eagerness of thrusting it into your seat of Paradise, that you took all the skin off the face of it; so pray bring some of the same balsam you carry about you to heal it, as the dear liquor my dear carries about between her legs, which she must promise to open as wide as she can, that my great prick may yet again arrive at the summit of felicity. Adieu.

Your own husband,

fielding.

Dear Mary,—

I am glad my dearest wife got safe home, and without being whipped, for I should be very jealous if anyone should peep into Nannette's backside but myself. I assure you when I have got you once more in my arms, I'll so belabour it I'll make it black and blue, and cram it full of my elixir to nourish young Lord Tunbridge. Adieu my soul's life; think of your own,

fielding.

To my better-half,

The Countess of Fielding,

At Waddon.

FABLES AND MAXIMS.

Translated from the Indian of Shitpot, the great Brahmin Confucius.

the Two wolves.

"What a nasty smell there is in this den," said one wolf to another; "have you shit yourself?" "No," said the other. "Then," said the first wolf, "I must have done so myself." So he had. The moral of this fable is that though ever ready to spy into the defects of others, we are apt to overlook our own imperfections.

the dog and the cock.

"What a large fellow you are!" said the Cock to the Dog. "I can fuck half-a-dozen hens, while you are getting half way in." "Very likely," said the Dog, "but when I am in I stay there fancy; look at my prick compared to yours. I don't call yours fucking at all, it's over before it's well begun." This fable teaches that I like a long prick best.

the monkey and the dildoe.

A pet monkey who had watched his mistress fill her dildoe with cream, waited a chance when she had ceased using it, being called away for a few minutes. "Now," said he, "I will have my fill of cream," so he sucked away, but unfortunately the lady had contracted syphilis, and the monkey

died in convulsions. The moral of this fable is, that you should never suck dildoes.

the Fox and the gander.

"You want a good stiff prick up your arse," Said the Fox, when he found he could not catch the Gander. "I've got one; I always wear it there," said the Gander, chuckling. "Sold again! Yah! Bloody Fool!" The Fox slunk off abashed. This shows that the same repartee does not suit everyone.

CUNT ON CO-OPERATIVE PRINCIPLES.

It has been suggested to the Editor of the pearl that there is a great necessity for a club where gentlemen might get their greens much cheaper and better than at present.

Women are so dear, and at the same time so deceptive in appearance, that one often pays heavily and yet only gets a stinking article for his generous outlay.

To obviate this, it is proposed to start a club, where at least twenty pretty governesses would be engaged at salaries of Ј100 per annum; there would be French, English, German, Russian, Italian, and even Zulu and Hottentots, so as to assimilate to every variety of taste. These ladies would accommodate the members whenever they might visit the club, and everything in the shape of dress and generous living and indulgence would be extended to these houris, to make them as agreeable as possible, and happy and contented with their fucktious situations.

Gentlemen members would have to pay a subscription of Ј1 per week, wines and refreshments of course being extra, but supplied at the lowest possible prices compatible with economy and efficiency.

Gentlemen desirous of submitting their names for admission as members, should do so at once to the Editor, Pearl Office, Cock Lane, London, E. C., as the number will be strictly limited to one hundred.

CHARACTERS OF HUSBANDS.

If a husband came home and found his wife being had by another man, what would he do?

That depends on his disposition.

The Polite husband would beg 'him not to draw until he'd spent.

The Considerate husband would offer soap, towel, and warm water, as soon as he drew.

The Funny husband would cry "Boh!" and tickle his arse with a feather.

The Good-Natured husband would remark that he liked buttered buns.

The Ceremonious husband would wait for an introduction.

The Just husband would sneer at the size of his balls.

The Modest husband would think his balls looked larger than his own.

The Refined husband would pull his shirt over his bottom.

The Cautious husband, with a large family, would ask if he had on a French Letter, and if not, request him to spend outside.

The Jealous husband would be annoyed, although he had on a French Letter.

The Suspicious husband would make his wife wash afterwards.

The Excitable husband would begin to frig himself.

The Shy husband would blush and walk away.

The Avaricious husband would want to charge for it.

The Mean husband would look to see if he'd used his cold cream.

The Epicurean husband would gamahuche his wife immediately afterwards.

The Conscientious husband would fear that he had neglected his wife.

The Cynical husband would be surprised that anyone should care to fuck his wife.

The Prompt husband would be up his arse before he could say, "Jack Robinson."

A poet, whose water taps had been stolen, as well as those of his landlady and another neighbour, affixed the following to a board in his front garden: