Perry Scope - When the loving gets rough

Karen listened to the shower rain down over Pat's body in the next room. She hardly cared what happened to them anymore. She did not know how she could sink any lower. She wondered listlessly what it was that kept her with Pat. The sexual part of their life was still good, but only when they made love in private, when it was more like love and less like kicks. That was becoming less and less common. Pat seemed to live for naked, blunt sensation. Karen wondered where all that sensitivity was that she had immediately seen in Pat. She wanted to laugh, but couldn't. She stayed because there was nowhere else to go, she stayed because there was nothing else for her anywhere, she stayed because she didn't know what it was she wanted and could see no point in further unsuccessful attempts to find out in still another woman's arms.

The phone rang harshly. Karen lifted the receiver reluctantly, wondering if it was one of the woman they knew organizing still another mass orgy.

"Hello?"

Karen recognized the hesitant voice instantly. She felt a lump grow in her throat. "Al!" He had never called before, had never made any attempt to contact her…

"Karen! Look – uh – how are you?" Allen could see into the bedroom from where he sat by the phone. He had sat dumbly staring into the room for an hour before he mustered the courage to call.

"I'm fine, Al. How are you?" She could picture his face clearly. She tried to hide her excitement. She hoped Pat would be in the shower as long as she usually was.

"I'm okay." He waited. The silence rebuked him. He took a deep breath and plunged into what he called to say. "Karen. I could go on for an hour I guess, with a lot of trivia. But I braced myself to make this call and I've got to say what I intended to, or I never will."

Karen was amazed at the firm gentleness of his tone. He sounded more… mature, more thoughtful. "All right, Al."

"Karen, first, let me tell you that I don't blame you for… what happened. I know now that I was so damn busy with me I forgot about us. I'll never stop being sorry about that. You were right. I was insensitive. I didn't try to see what it was like for you." Al paused to take a puff of the cigarette he had nervously lighted while he spoke.

"Oh, Al, don't…" Karen didn't want him to continue. His words were a hot blade piercing her heart.

"No, Karen, please, let me finish. You don't have to say anything. Just let me finish. I love you… I always did and I always will. I know that now. I want you back. Even the few minutes at a time I used to spend with you I did grudgingly. I was so busy… Well, that's done. I can't do it over again." He stubbed out the cigarette, his face twisted with the desire to find some way to tell Karen what he had learned and how much he wanted her. "I miss you, honey. Come back. I need you. The work, the school… they don't mean anything now. I'll beg, if you want me to."

"Don't!" Karen cried. Her emotions threatened to tear her apart. This was her Al, her Al, just the way he always should have been. And now it was too late! "Don't blame yourself! Please! I walked out…"

"What else could you do? You tried to tell me…"

"But don't you see? It's too late," Karen said quickly. "Too much has happened. With me. Pat and me…"

"It doesn't matter. That's what you have to believe! I think I understand what happened. It's not just that I forgive you, it's more that I want you to forgive me! Let's try again. I know…"

"It's too late, don't you understand? The kind of life I've led… You wouldn't even want me if you knew." Karen was near tears. It hurt to keep them inside.

"I don't care!" Allen spoke very clearly. She had to believe him! Sweat streamed from his brow. "Karen, before you hang up just listen to this. It's so important. After what I've done to us I'm in no position to expect much understanding from you. But, Karen, honey, I just want you to know that I'll wait forever if I have to. And if you come back…" His voice cracked slightly. "When you come back, it will be different. It will have to be a new start. We'll be different people. Karen, come back. I'll wait…"

"Allen! I have to go. Now. Don't say anything else, please… I can't take it…" Karen realized she was pleading. Yet she didn't want to hang up. His voice had a wonderfully warm sound.

"All right. Just one more thing. Do you still have your key?"

"Yes," Karen whispered weakly. She was dimly aware of Pat switching off the hot water tap for the short stand under the icy water she liked before ending her shower.

"Use it. Anytime. I'll be waiting and praying for the day you do."

Karen hung up slowly. She wiped the tears from her eyes and threw herself across the bed. She hoped Pat didn't question her. She wasn't up to it now.

But she didn't have to worry. Pat didn't even notice anything wrong when she came out of the bathroom. She was too excited over the day they had spent Karen didn't bother listening to her. She thought instead of the phone call. Life with Allen might have been a little dull, and, yes, he had been insensitive to her. He even freely admitted that now. But Al had never plunged her into a nightmare world from which there could be no return… Karen threw herself into the bathroom, adjusted the shower knobs, and stood limply under the droning water, crying bitterly for all that was forever lost to her.

The world was tumbling down in crazy little bits, and not all the marijuana or orgies or lies in the world would put it together again. The mass sex group had fallen away in pairs and threesomes, and even Lennie had left on the arm of the poetess, Paula. There were just the two of them left, she and Pat. Oh, yes, Karen thought, and a tiny white pill… at which Pat was now eagerly staring. The last two days had been the most profitable Pat had ever known. She had duplicated the experience under the cross many times, with many different drivers from all over town.

Pat had bought armfuls of objects, clothing and religious jewelry, buying whatever caught her eye at the moment over Karen's more practical urgings that she save her money. And now she had bought this. Acid, it was called. The magical LSD drug that she had wanted to try.

"For the last time, Pat. Please, forget it. I've read so much about LSD lately. They say it can be harmful to some people… They have no way of knowing how it will affect someone."

"Forget it? I thought we'd been through that scene already." Pat looked up at Karen resentfully. She had spent a childhood being told what to do, then was forced, sometimes brutally, into doing it. No one was ever going to tell her what to do again! Karen knew that stubborn look. She tried another ruse. "Well then, how about waiting until tomorrow? It's very late, and after all that… fun," she stumbled over the word, "and the pot, don't you think tomorrow would be better?"

"Tonight, now," Pat insisted cuttingly. She wasn't going to be talked out of what promised to be the greatest experience of her life. She regarded Karen coldly, wondering why the girl wanted to make her put off anything so wonderful. She fingered the pill eagerly, lifted a water glass at the same time, and hesitated only a moment. "Now," she said again, making it a sort of casual salute.

Karen watched her swallow the bit of pill with a great splash of water. Feeling apprehensive, Karen occupied herself with straightening the apartment. It was the only thing of her past life she had been allowed to retain and she had dawdled over her chores for as long as she possibly could.

"I've got a great idea. Come with me!" Pat was in the doorway to the kitchen.

"Oh! You startled me!" Karen noticed the heavy lidded eyes that saw and didn't see. "I didn't hear you come in."

Pat didn't seem to hear her. "Come with me! I have the most wonderful idea!" She appeared to be listening for something.