Dorsai - Friends and Lovers

"How can you love me that way? And that much?", she wanted to know.

I had to smile before I answered "Sis told me that she and Nadia tried to explain it to you before she came out to get me."

"They did -" but I want to hear what you say, too."

Taking a deep breath, I asked her "Remember that day that you had to get all those books from the basement to the library at school? How you were trying to figure out how to get that cart up the stairs?"

She nodded, and I went on "How many people saw you, and just kept going?"

I could see the sadness in her eyes as she answered "A lot of them."

"Wouldn't it be fair to say that those people didn't like you, if they were willing to let you keep having as much of a hard time as you were?"

After she nodded, I went on "I saw you, and stopped to help -" even before you and Janet became such good friends. Don't you think it would be fair to say that I did like you, because I was willing to help?"

Another nod from her, and I continued "When I did that, I only knew a little bit about you from when you'd been over here. But even then, I knew enough that I liked you – so I helped you, just like I would any other friend. That was way back at the beginning of school last year; since then, I've gotten to know you better, and learned what a good person you are -" that smart and friendly and other stuff I already told you. Now, if I was willing to help you with those books when I only knew a little bit about you, don't you think I'd be willing to help you with even more now that I know you better?"

"But that still isn't the same as loving me", she stated.

"Isn't it?", I asked. "Take what I just told you about helping you, and instead of the word 'like', use the word 'love'. Does that really change anything?"

All of us watched as she considered it for a few seconds before quietly telling me "No, it doesn't -" not even a little bit. But aren't 'like' and 'love' two different things?"

Smiling again, I had a question of my own: "Are they?"

Surprised, she listened as I told her "That's something our Mom and Dad -" mostly Dad -" have helped me and Janet understand – that 'like' and 'love' are basically the same thing, just different – strengths, I guess you could say. 'Like' is just kind of watered-down love, the same way the stuff they serve in the cafeteria at school is watered-down drink mix; if you can get the stuff you don't need or want out of the 'like', then you have love, just like the stuff at school would have more flavor if you could get the extra water out of it."

She sat silently for several seconds, thinking about what I'd said before she wanted to know "You and Janet – you love people like that? Thinking about what kind of person they are and everything, and then loving them on purpose? You choose to love someone else the same way you'd choose a car or something?"

"It isn't*quite* like that", I told her. "It isn't like we go shopping for people like we'd shop for a car -" trying different ones to see which ones we like most. What we do, really, is just look at the people that we DO meet. When we find the things that we like in that person, we spend more time with them so we can learn what they're really like. If we find even more good stuff in them, then we like them more, and spend more time with them and love them more."

"That really works?"

"Sure. Did you feel the same way about Janet when you first met her as you do now? Think about why you feel differently about her now than you did then."

All three of us watched as Jade was occupied with her own thoughts for a while before she focused her attention on me again.

"Okay, I can see what you're saying -" but why is it so obviously so much more between you and Janet?", she wanted to know.

"Because we're doing what you just did all the time, and doing it on purpose."

She blinked a couple of times, then got surprisingly intense before asking "Doing that makes that much of a difference? Why?"

Calmly, I answered "Yeah, it really makes that much of a difference. If you're doing it all the time, then when the other person does something, you know what happened and when and why. That way, you have it in the front part of your brain where you can really think about it, and decide whether you like it or not, and how much. And when you can do that, it makes it a lot easier to choose how to react to it. If you like it, then you can tell the other person so, and it maybe gives them a reason to keep doing it. If you don't, you can think of a nice way to say so, and maybe get the other person to change if they want to. If you're doing it on purpose, then you're never really surprised how things turn out with other people. I mean, think about it -" if you're always looking at what someone else is doing, and why, then you've got a pretty good idea of what they think about you, too. If you're honest enough to think about what other people are really like, then it's a pretty safe bet that you're going to be just as honest about what you're like, and know why they like or love you in return; and both of you know that as long as you're the kind of person the other one loves, they'll love you. I told you that I like you -" love you -" for your patience, and how helpful and friendly you are -so you know that as long as you're like that, I'll love you. And because you know that I love you for what's good in you, you know that as you get to be an even better person, I'll love you even more. With Janet and me, *both* of us are doing that all the time, like I said; because we know that both of us are doing it, then we know that the other one loves us, the same way and for the same reasons that we love them."

Taking a breath, I continued "If you'll think about it, I expect you'll understand that loving and knowing someone else that way also builds the kind of trust that not many people have with another person. I know and love Janet enough that I was willing to trust her when she said that me coming in here and making love with her would help you. I know and love Nadia enough that I trust she'll understand that just because I made love with my sister, it doesn't mean that I love her any less -" because I know she knows and loves me enough to trust me. I know it sounds kind of circular, and it is – because it's the kind of thing that builds on itself. When Nadia first started coming over here, I*know* that she wouldn't have trusted me as much as she does now. Once she got to know me, and find out what kind of person I am -" or at least TRY to be -" she started to love me. With the good things she has inside, I started to love her, too; and as we started to love each other, each of us payed more attention to the other -" and found out that there was even more to love about the other person. As the love between us grew, so did the trust. I'm not perfect, and neither is Nadia – but both of us trust that the other one is always trying to become a better person, because we know and love each other."

At that point, Nadia spoke up to tell Jade "When I first realized that I loved Danny, I thought I was an okay person – not great, but okay. But after he talked to me about this stuff, and I started trying to do what I knew he and Janet were, I've realized that I am becoming better. Like Danny says, not perfect -" not by a long shot; but better – and I never stop trying. Even my parents have noticed, and complimented me on it."

Somewhat hesitantly, Jade told her "When I first met you, I thought you were basically just 'okay', too. Then a few weeks after New Years, I noticed a change in you -" a good one, that I really liked."

Nadia just smiled before answering "That was when Danny made love with me the first time, and I started to understand what it is about him and Janet. I wasn't used to being completely responsible for myself, so it wasn't easy for me at first; but once I learned that I have to know what I want before I can have it, it got easier. Of course, having Janet and Danny loving me and trying to help when they could did a lot, too."