Frank Harris - My Life and Loves, Book 1

Explore and explore. Be neither chided nor flattered out of your position of perpetual inquiry. Neither dogmatize nor accept another's dogmatism. Why should you renounce your right to traverse the star-lit deserts of truth, for the premature comforts of an acre, house, and barn? Truth also has its roof, and bed, and board. Make yourself necessary to the world, and mankind will give you bread, and if not store of it, yet such as shall not take away your property in all men's affections, in art, in nature, and in hope. The truth of it shocked me: «Then perish the buds of art and poetry and science in you as they have perished already in a thousand thousand men!» That explained why it was that there was no Shakespeare, no Bacon, no Swinburne in America, where, according to population and wealth, there should be dozens. There flashed on me the realization of the truth, that just because wealth was easy to get here, it exercised an incomparable attraction and in its pursuit «perished a thousand thousand» gifted spirits who might have steered humanity to new and nobler accomplishment. The question imposed itself: «Was I too to sink to fatness, wallow in sensuality, degrade myself for a nerve-thrill?» «No!» I cried to myself, «ten thousand times, no! No! I'll go and seek the star-lit deserts of Truth or die on the way!» I closed the book, and with it and the second volume of it in my hand, went to Mrs. Trask. «I want to buy this book,» I said. «It has a message for me that I must never forget!»

«I'm glad,» said the little lady smiling. «What is it?» I read her a part of the passage. «I see,» she exclaimed, «but why do you want the books?» «I want to take them with me,» I said. «I mean to leave Lawrence at once and go to Germany to study!» «Good gracious!» she cried. «How can you do that? I thought you were a partner of Sommerfeld's; you can't go at once!» «I must,» I said.

«The ground burns under my feet. If I don't go now, I shall never go.

I'll be out of Lawrence tomorrow!» Mrs. Trask threw up her hands and remonstrated with me: such quick decisions were dangerous; «why should I be in such a hurry?» I repeated time and again. «If I don't go at once, I shall never go. The ignoble pleasure will grow sweeter and sweeter to me and I shall sink gradually and drown in the mud-honey of life.» Finally seeing I was adamant and my mind fixed, she sold me the books at full price and, with some demur, then she added, «I almost wish I had never recommended Emerson to you!» and the dear lady looked distressed. «Never regret that!» I cried. «I shall remember you as long as I live because of that and always be grateful to you. Professor Smith told me I ought to go, but it needed the word of Emerson to give me the last push! The buds of poetry and science and art shall not perish in me as they have 'perished already in a thousand thousand men!' Thanks to you!» I added warmly, «all my best heart-thanks: you have been to me the messenger of high fortune.» I clasped her hands, wished to kiss her, foolishly feared to hurt her, and so contented myself with a long kiss on her hand and went out at once to find Sommerfeld. He was in the office and forthwith I told him the whole story, how Smith had tried to persuade me and how I had resisted till this page of Emerson had convinced me. «I am sorry to leave you in the lurch,» I explained,

«but I must go and go at once.» He told me it was madness: I could study German right there in Lawrence; he would help me with it gladly. «You mustn't throw away a livelihood just for a word,» he cried. «It is madness. I never heard a more insane decision!» We argued for hours: I couldn't convince him any more than he could persuade me. He tried his best to get me to stay two years, at any rate, and then go with full pockets. «You can easily spare two years,» he cried; but I retorted, «Not even two days: I'm frightened of myself.» When he found that I wanted the money to go round the world with first, he saw a chance of delay, and said I must give him some time to find out what was coming to me. I told him I trusted him utterly (as indeed I did) and could only give him the Saturday and Sunday, for I'd go on the Monday at the latest. He gave in at last and was very kind. I got a dress and a little hat for Lily, and lots of books besides a chinchilla cape for Rose, and broke the news to Lily next morning, keeping the afternoon for Rose. To my astonishment I had most trouble with Lily: she would not hear any reason. «There is no reason in it,» she cried again and again, and then she broke down in a storm of tears. «What will become of me?» she sobbed. «I always hoped you'd marry me,» she confessed at last, «and now you go away for nothing, nothing-on a wild-goose chase-to study,» she added, in a tone of absolute disdain, «just as if you couldn't study here!» «I'm too young to marry, Lily,» I said, «and-» «You were not too young to make me love you,» she broke in, «and now what shall I do? Even mamma said that we ought to be engaged, and I want you so-oh, oh-» and again the tears fell in a shower. I could not help saying at last that I would think it all over and let her know, and away I went to Rose. Rose heard me out in complete silence, and then with her eyes on mine in lingering affection, she said, «Do you know, I've been afraid often of some decision like this. I said to myself a dozen times: 'Why should he stay here? The wider world calls him,' and if I feel inclined to hate my work because it prevents my studying, what must it be for him in that horrible court, fighting day after day? I always knew I should lose you, dear!» she added, «but you were the first to help me to think and read, so I must not complain. Do you go soon?»

«On Monday,» I replied, and her dear eyes grew sombre and her lips quivered. «You'll write?» she asked. «Please do, Frank! No matter what happens, I shall never forget you: you've helped me, encouraged me more than I can say. Did I tell you, I've got a place in Crew's bookstore? When I said I had learned to love books from you, he was glad and said, 'If you get to know them as well as he did, or half as well, you'll be invaluable'; so you see, I am following in your footsteps, as you are following in Smith's.» «If you knew how glad I am that I've really helped and not hurt you, Rose!» I said sadly, for Lily's accusing voice was still in my ears. «You couldn't hurt anyone,» she exclaimed, almost as if she divined my remorse. «You are so gentle and kind and understanding.» Her words were balm to me and she walked with me to the bridge, where I told her she would hear from me on the morrow. I wanted to know what she would think of the books and cape. The last thing I saw of her was her hand raised, as if in benediction. I kept the Sunday morning for Sommerfeld and my friend Will Thomson and the rest of the day for Sophy. Sommerfeld came to the offices before nine and told me the firm owed me three thousand dollars. I didn't wish to take it. Could not believe he had meant to go halves with me, but he insisted and paid me. «I don't agree with your sudden determination,» he said,

«perhaps because it was sudden, but I've no doubt you'll do well at anything you take up. Let me hear from you now and again, and if you ever need a friend, you know where to find me!» As we shook hands I realized that parting could be as painful as the tearing asunder of flesh. Will Thomson, I found, was eager to take over the boardings and my position in Liberty Hall. He had brought his father with him, and after much bargaining I conveyed everything I could over to him for three thousand five hundred dollars; and so after four years' work I had just the money I had had in Chicago four years earlier! I dined in the Eldridge House and then went back to the office to meet Sophy, who was destined to surprise me more even than Lily or Rose; «I'm coming with you,» she announced coolly, «if you're not ashamed to have me along; you goin' Frisco-so far away-» she pleaded, divining my surprise and unwillingness. «Of course, I'll be delighted,» I said, «but-» I simply could not refuse her. She gurgled with joy and drew out her purse. «I've four hundred dollars,» she said proudly, «and that'll take this child a long way.» I made her put her money away and promise me she wouldn't spend a cent of her money while we were together; and then I told her how I wished to dress her when we got to Denver, for I wanted to stop there for a couple of days to see Smith, who had written approving of everything I did and adding, to my heart's joy, that he was much better. On the Monday morning Sophy and I started westwards. She had had the tact to go to the depot first so that no one in Lawrence ever coupled our names. Sommerfeld and Judge Bassett saw me off at the depot and wished me «All luck!» And so the second stage of my life came to an end.