Anonymous - The Oyster, Volume IV

'But are such objects in any great demand?' I asked. 'Surely there is a sufficiency of living, breathing male members to satisfy any need?' 'Andrew, you have much yet to learn, Hannah had said.

Although slightly taken aback at the dismissive note in her voice, I had to admit that the construction and use of the dildo was indeed a completely new field of human endeavour to me. 'There are many women,' she had gone on, 'women often of the highest integrity and standing in Society, who have need of such artefacts. Think, Andrew, of the number of married women who cannot count on regular service from their husbands. Many are married to men of business who have to be away from home, often for days on end. There are many Army wives who are separated from their menfolk for months on end. Such is the number and length of the various colonial skirmishes, punitive expeditions and wars these days that many military families see each other but seldom. Whilst of course the lot of the Navy wife is always to be alone for most of her life. 'It happens also,' she went on, 'that all too often, when their men do return, they are, through sickness or the general fatigue of fighting a long campaign, quite unable to resume their marital duties for a considerable while. If you add those women who have been tragically widowed and those who find that their husbands, although present, are sadly inadequate in such matters, you will begin to see, Andrew, that there is indeed a great unsatisfied demand for a discreet but effective substitute for the male member.' 'Is it not interesting,' I said, 'that the very success of the manufacturing interest in this country, itself creates the demand for yet more manufactures. As commerce thrives, demanding more journeyings, more visits to explore and satisfy new markets, so the opportunities increase for such services as you provide. Is this not a fine example of that political economy that we read about so much in the better sort of journal. Are not the workings of our mercantile system, though complex, endowed with a most intellectually satisfying symmetry?' 'Andrew, you are growing wordy again,'

Hannah interrupted, rather brutally I thought. 'What this political economy of yours adds up to is many thousands of women, many thousands of quims, that need a good rogering. So do not pontificate so much but fuck.' At this point, we did indeed fall to fucking but later resumed the discussion. 'Do not think, Andrew, that all these women are content to wait for the return of their lawfully wedded spouses. They are crying out for a handy substitute. 'So you-'

'So we supply them with a great variety of instruments of pleasure with which they can occupy themselves.' 'How do they know of your business?' I asked. 'Word travels fast amongst them.

It is a process that we can help. It happens sometimes that one of our customers will entertain a select number of her women friends in her own home. We willingly supply samples of our art and occasionally, in return for a small fee, a woman will demonstrate to her circle what they are missing.' 'So all those At Homes and embroidery afternoons are but a polite public veneer for quite other activities?'

'Surprisingly often,' Hannah answered. 'Then there are personal introductions. A lady will bring a friend to our premises who is about to be deprived of her husband's attentions for a while.' 'You have some sort of showroom?' I asked, amazed. 'Why, yes. Just like the purveyors of porcelain have always had,' she answered. 'We maintain a substantial stock, all tastefully displayed, from which something suitable can be selected. There are couches in what we call the fitting rooms where they can, so to speak, try one in for size.'

'And their husbands know nothing of this?' I asked. 'In many cases,' she answered. 'But in many cases also, husband and wife will attend together for our additional service where we model a dildo from the husband's own member.' 'This is done by measurement, I suppose,' I said, imagining the strange scene as rules and callipers were employed upon an erect prick. 'If necessary,' she said, 'but in most cases we now take a plaster cast so that an exact likeness can be created.' 'How is that done?' I asked. 'It is a process better demonstrated than described. There are technicalities that are difficult to explain to the outsider. Have you heard of the lost-wax method of moulding?' 'No,' I said. 'This is unknown territory to me.' 'You must come along to the manufactury and I will act as your guide. First I must ask Madame and an appointment must be made.'

'Madame-?' 'Madame Nettleton. She is in charge of the plaster casting.' 'Not Netty Nettleton, the recently retired diva?' I asked. 'She who was the toast of the Opera until her much lamented final season?' 'The same,' said Hannah. 'But Andrew, you must swear to keep secret everything about your visit. Although a thriving business, it is also a very private one. I may add,' she went on, 'that yours is such a splendid fellow when raised up that I feel sure that its sale in replica will represent a popular extension to our range. I can also promise you that on each such sale a small royalty payment will be made.' 'Just as though I were the author of a book!' I exclaimed. 'Imagine! The Andrew Scott Dildo, By Appointment, for Insertion into the Gentry.' But suddenly a thought struck me. 'It will not be a painful process, will it? Whilst I would be more than proud to add to the sum of human happiness by multiplying the likeness of my cock among the ladies of England and indeed those in foreign parts, I am, I must confess, somewhat averse to pain.

Suffering for one's Art has never had any attraction for me.' 'Do not worry, Andrew, Madame Nettleton's technique is not only highly effective but soothing and harmless as well.' Thus it was that an appointment had been made and a little over a week later I had presented myself at the Southwark premises where I now found myself surprised, hand in pussey, by this regal lookalike. At once I realised that this must be Madame herself. 'Ma'am,' I began, 'I am sorry-'

'Mr. White, if you are about to apologise, please don't. By the very nature of our trade, this cannot be a conventional establishment and it is anyway always necessary to put our gentlemen visitors in a proper frame of mind before exposing them to our ministrations. I can honestly say that in this case “We are amused”.' At this I realised that she must be well aware of her uncanny resemblance to the Widow of Windsor and of the effect that this could have, particularly on those surprised in circumstances such as these. 'However, when you are quite finished,' Madame continued, 'I will first of all show you the modelling room and then we will proceed to the substance of your visit.' The interruption having had the effect of stopping our activities in their tracks, I quickly disengaged myself from my delightful companion. As I did so a thought crossed my mind. We had never formally introduced ourselves although she knew who I was.

'I am Andrew Scott,' I said. 'Meg,' she responded. We solemnly, if somewhat stickily shook hands. 'I hope we can resume our acquaintance later,' she went on, 'but for now I must return to my labours at the wheel.' More at ease now, I turned to Madame. She had been sizing me up with a quick, professional glance. 'You appear to be in a nicely upstanding state of readiness,' she said.

'Meg can always be relied upon to manage such matters with great efficiency. A steady hand at the wheel and a warm cunney. Both such essential attributes in our business. But now let me show you around.'

I was led into a largish workshop. A dozen or so young women were seated at their pottery wheels. I looked around in fascination. As they treadled energetically, their wheels spun round and round. I watched as one took a lump of soft clay, slapped it down on to her wheel and centred it between her hands. As she squeezed, a column of pale grey clay rose at the bidding of her fingers. 'Stoneware,' said Madame. 'A much smoother material than earthenware.'