Anonymous: The Oyster, Volume IV

We both soon came to realise that it was quite impossible to get the wretched thing off. I was getting thoroughly excited by the possibilities that were opening up when all of a sudden I felt a smart stinging sensation in my bottom.' 'Oh dear! What had happened?' said Becky with a solemn face. 'I had been snagged by an angler's hook and line from the pier above,' said the Colonel. 'So that is what they catch,' said Becky. 'I have often watched the fishermen dangling their tackle into the water but I have never actually seen any one of them land anything.' 'Cod is the more usual catch, I understand,' said the Colonel. 'Or mackerel possibly. I suspect that that is the only recorded instance of an officer in the Punjab Rifles being caught in the English Channel.' 'A painful experience,' I suggested. 'A little so,' he conceded. 'But by then I was so intrigued by the possibilities of a waterborne entanglement that I hardly noticed. I pulled the hook out of my bum, gave it a quick couple of tugs and we paddled out of sight under the pier. We both quickly realised that there was little more we could achieve, particularly as my companion was beginning to complain about the amount of seaweed that was interfering with her enjoyment. We waded ashore. While she waited, crouched in the waves, I slipped the attendant a few pence to look the other way and I smuggled her into my bathing machine. 'We had an absolutely splendid fuck. So much so that the damn thing began to rock rather alarmingly on its wheels at one point and edge down the shingle, deeper into the water.' 'The beach at Brighton does slope rather steeply,' I said. 'When we had finished,' the Colonel continued, 'I realised that I could hardly let her out into what was now quite a rough sea, so I lowered myself into the water and swam round to the other machine we had hired.'

'I begin to see a problem,' said Becky. 'You were now in her bathing machine, and she in yours.' 'Precisely,' said the Colonel. 'What ever did you do?' asked Emily, forgetting her embarrassment in the excitement of the story. 'Nothing else to do,' said the Colonel. 'I had to put on her clothes and she had to put on mine.' 'AH of them?' asked Emily. 'Only the outer garments,' said the Colonel. 'Bundled up all the underwear and popped it into the picnic hamper we had with us.' 'Did no-one notice anything?' she said. 'We did attract the odd couple of stares but I didn't have a moustache in those days. She had a large sailor's hat with a bow that tied under the chin while I had been sporting a new panama. The only problem was the shoes. There was no way I could cram my feet into her button-up bootees and mine were far too large for her. Had to leave them behind and make it barefoot back to our hotel.

Luckily it was close to the beach. Anyway, we managed to get back to our rooms.' 'Did you enjoy wearing women's clothing?' I asked.

'Not the first time,' he said. 'Had to escape once from Baluchi tribesmen on camel back, disguised as a native woman. Didn't want to lose my private parts. They cut them off if they capture you, y'know.'

'Oh! How awful,' said Emily, breathlessly. 'Made it back to the cantonment, safe and sound. Just outside Quetta. Reported to the Colonel and had the devil of a row with the Adjutant.' 'Why?' asked Emily. 'Women not allowed in the mess except on Ladies Nights. He'd only recently been posted to the regiment. Didn't recognise me. Had to pull up my dress to convince the fellah that I was a man. Felt a complete fool, standing there in a sort of sari thing, waving my virile member in the Adjutant's face. “What's all this,” he said. “What the hell do you think it is?” I said. “A prick.

A British officer's prick. Attached to a British officer. I have urgent despatches for the Colonel.” At that moment a sepoy came rushing in to say that there was a camel loose on the parade ground and that it had left a large steaming pile of droppings right in front of the CO's verandah.' At this point in the story I couldn't help but notice that Becky and Hannah were choking back laughter and that Mrs. P-had an odd look in her eye. 'I didn't realise that the Punjab Rifles had ever been stationed in Baluchistan,' she said.

'Although of course my late husband and I spent most of our time in Bengal and the Deccan so I am no expert on the North West.'

Colonel Moore gave her a quizzical look, but she said nothing more. I also had begun to have some suspicions about the absolute veracity of some parts of the Colonel's account but it had long ago been firmly dinned into me by Dr White at Nottsgrove that it is the height of bad manners to question the accuracy of another person's story, especially if it is entertaining. Looking round the kitchen I could see that he had the full attention of his audience.

'Meanwhile, you were in a Brighton hotel bedroom, wearing your lady friend's clothes,' prompted Becky. 'Did you continue in this mode or did you change back?' 'Couldn't wait to get the wretched things off,' said Colonel Moore. 'Nor could she. Trouble was, she was quicker about it than I was. I was worried about splitting a seam or pulling a button off. She just unbuttoned herself and dropped my trousers. I was so excited at what was revealed that my member shot to attention and rather than fiddle about with the fastenings, I tried to pull her dress off over my head. Of course, I got completely caught up in the folds of the thing. Trapped helplessly. Couldn't see a thing.

She offered to help but instead of helping me out, she seized hold of my prick, began to rub it all over her titties. Very big they were. I could tell, though I'd not had the privilege of seeing them before.

'Next thing I knew, I was being guided into her orifice. A bit salty but very welcoming. Couldn't do a thing to help but I know that I fucked her from the front and then from behind. She was quite noisy, too. Remember I lost my balance at one point but she was all over me.

Just had to go where I was put. I kept asking to be helped out of her dress and into the daylight but she kept at it, ignoring me completely. “What you don't see, you don't miss,” she said, and she made sure that I didn't miss. Finally came all over her. I could feel her rubbing it all over her body. Made me help. Must say it was an amazing feeling, rubbing my cum over her titties and feeling them all swollen up under my hands.' 'What happened after you had finished?' I asked. 'She made me wait. I was trussed up like a turkey.

Her skirt had got twisted round my head. Tried to bite a couple of buttons off at one point but she realised what I was doing and told me to stop in no uncertain terms. Said that her dressmaker had only just finished it for her and she didn't want it ruined. Nothing I could do.

Remember her kissing my Thing. Could feel her tongue licking round the end. Then she went off and fished out another dress from the wardrobe.

I asked what was happening and she said that it would not be proper for me to see her without any clothes on since she was engaged to be married.' 'The curate that you mentioned earlier?' I asked.

'The same. Hadn't known about the chap before. She said that from now on she would have to live a life of complete respectability as a loyal wife, helping her husband in his duties in the parish in where ever it was.' 'Dorking,' I reminded him. 'That's it. Dorking instead of fucking.' 'I don't know Dorking,' said Becky. 'But I'm sure I'd prefer fucking.' 'Becky!' said her mother. 'There are some very pleasant places in Surrey. Take Woking for example.'

The maids and Tom the Tool were looking somewhat bewildered at these exchanges. 'I was in a situation in Bagshot once,' said Mary. 'But I didn't like it very much.' 'Isn't that in Hampshire?' I said. 'Enough of this geographical chit chat,' said Hannah. 'What happened next?' 'By the time she was good enough to release me from her clothing, she had dressed herself in a completely new outfit. What I saw before me was a picture of propriety. Her hair up, a high-collared dress with a cameo broach at her throat. Even gloves. Looked at me as though butter wouldn't melt in her mouth, let alone anywhere else. I was looking at her and imagining what she looked like with her clothes off. Mr. Pego began to rise again but she was quite adamant.' 'How unfair,' said Emily. 'Not to let you see what you had been enjoying only a few minutes before. I hope that I would never be so hard-hearted.* 'That's very kind of you, my dear,' said the Colonel. 'Of course where you are concerned, the opposite is true. I've seen but I've not touched.' 'That is quite different, Sir,' said Emily with a suddenly spirited air. 'What you saw, you saw not by invitation but by accident.' 'Well said,' interrupted Mrs. P-. 'You're right,' said the Colonel. 'I shouldn't have said that.' 'Not that I do not issue invitations,' said Emily, looking, I rather thought, in my direction. 'But just to finish the story,' said Becky. 'Did you never see her again in anything other than the most correct of circumstances?' 'Alas, no. Only fully clothed. Although,' he went on, 'It must be said that she allowed me to fuck her on the train back to Victoria. A farewell fuck. But she insisted that we kept the blinds down the whole time.