Beauregard de Farniente - The Adventures of Father Silas

Such was my condition, when one day as I was walking in the garden alone, and meditating on my unhappy destiny, I met Father Simeon, a profound character, who had grown grey in the service of Venus and Bacchus, and, like the ancient Nestor, had seen the inmates of the convent several times changed. He came up to me, and, embracing me, said:

“O my son, your grief is heavy, but do not be alarmed, I will cure you. Unlimited dissipation, my friend, has caused your indisposition; your diseased appetite must be stimulated by succulent dishes; a devotee is also necessary for you.”

I could not refrain from laughing at the phlegmatic manner with which the Father recommended such a course of treatment.

“You laugh,” said he; “but I speak seriously. You do not know these devotees, and are ignorant of their resources for rekindling fires when almost extinguished. I have experienced them myself. O happy days, whither have ye fled! No one speaks now of the vigorous Father Simeon.”

I could scarcely avoid a loud laugh, but the fear of offending him made me refrain.

“O my son,” continued he, “take advantage of your youth; the only means of arousing you from this lethargy is to put you on a regular diet; you must have a devotee: but for this purpose, you must have the liberty of confessing, and I will take on myself to obtain that for you of my lord Bishop.”

I thanked the Father, and without having much faith in his plan, I begged him to put it in execution, which he promised to do.

“But that is not all,” said he; “you must have a guide before you enter on this business, and I will take that duty on myself. You know, my son, that confession is a tradition of our ancestors, that is, of the priests and monks. I have always admired the profound genius of those eminent men who established the confessional. From that time the appearance of everything has changed; riches have been showered down upon us; and our wealth has increased under the shade of this august tribunal. Blessed be God. Amen.

“I will not dilate upon the excellence of a confessor's office; only be discreet, condescending, and indulgent to human weaknesses, and the women will adore you. I need not say what advantages you may draw from their favorable disposition towards you as regards your own fortune; that is your affair. I advise you to pluck without mercy those old bigots who come to your confessional less to reconcile themselves to God than to see a handsome monk. Be favorable to the pretty ones; I have always been so, and they paid me differently.

“A young girl, for instance, cannot make presents; although she can give her precious maidenhead: but it requires some address to obtain this jewel. Adhere to these young devotees, and they will cure you; but do not give way without moderation to the eagerness that the hope of your cure may inspire. There is less risk to take to a woman somewhat experienced, than to one whose passions have not triumphed over the prejudices of education. A woman understands you by half a word; her heart has already advanced half way to meet you. It is otherwise with a young girl; but if it is more difficult to conquer, the victory is more delightful. I will tell you how to proceed. You will find a natural propensity to love in all of them; the grand art is to know how to manage their inclinations. Many a one of very modest mien, with eyes always cast downwards and a demure air, has a heart full of love and ready to take fire at the slightest breath of Cupid. Speak to such a one and she will oppose but a feeble resistance to your first attacks; press on, and your victory is secure.

“There are others of a temperament less sprightly, less impetuous, who will give you more trouble. With these, you must make a judicious mixture of the caresses of the lover with the remonstrances of the director; stimulate their torpid feelings by proper conversation; and get all the information your position enables you to acquire respecting their advancement in the art of love; remove the veil which concealed from their view pleasures hitherto unknown to them; make known to them all the mysteries of love, and awaken their sensual passions by vivid pictures thereof; in short, use every available means to exhibit pleasure to them in the most seductive attitudes, and to excite their desires.

“You will perhaps object that it is difficult to succeed in so dangerous a career; but you will find it otherwise, nothing but address is requisite to ensure success. I confess it would be dangerous to inflame their passions, but have you not a thousand ways of conciliating their hearts and turning their heads? When you describe the pleasures of love, you must appear to do it with a design to prevent them from falling into the snares to which their youth exposes them; but you must be lengthy in your description of the evils and pass lightly over the consequences, and their reason will offer but a weak opposition to their impressions your descriptions make in their hearts. Assure them of being right with respect to the world. Make them sensible how foolish it is to keep too long a flower that will fade, that it is sweet to let it be plucked, and that its loss is imaginary. Add to all this that there are a thousand ways of preventing pregnancy-then examine their countenance, and you will find it inflamed. Let your hand fall on their bubbles; press them, and you will soon hear sighs, those faithful interpreters of the heart. Join your sighs with theirs, apply a kiss to the lips, and offer yourself to console their troubles. The avowal of what is passing in the heart begets confidence, and they no longer blush at being weak with the weak, but readily accept your offers.”

The discourse of Father Simeon had heated my imagination, and so much moved me that I no longer doubted of the feasibility of what I had at first taken for a joke, and I urged the good man to exert himself to obtain the requisite authority for me.

I was eager to see myself set up as a mediator between crime and pardon; I already anticipated the answer that some timorous girl might make me on the point of having eased herself, by means of her own fingers, from the lascivious itchings of an ardent temperament.

It was not long before I received the requisite authority from the bishop, thanks to the friendly zeal of Father Simeon. I have heard say of a great philosopher, that if he met an old woman in the street on first going out in the morning, he immediately returned and stayed within all day. I should have renounced my new vocation the very first day, had I followed this worthy's example; I kept my post however, and summoned up my courage to get through the wearisome task of hearing the tale of an old woman's peccadillos.

The old lady bored me with a deluge of gossip, which I returned by some few moral maxims so consoling that the old jade was quite delighted and would have given me some proofs of her satisfaction on the spot, if the grating had not been between us. As an indemnity, she vowed to me an attachment full proof against all the attempts of other directors to deprive me of her. I forgave her transports, for the advantage I thought it possible might accrue from her good will. This may lead to something, thought I, but soundings must first be taken. As I found she was a dreadful gabbler, I put her on the chapter of her family: at first she uttered strong invectives against a traitor of a husband, who carried elsewhere what he ought to have given her. She was wounded in the tenderest part. Then she railed at her son, who followed his father's example; but she had nothing but what was good to say of her daughter, whose sole occupation was work and prayer.

“Ah! My sister,” said I; “you are indeed blessed thus to see yourself live again in your daughter! Does she come to our church? How edified should I be to see her!”