Beauregard de Farniente - The Adventures of Father Silas

“Zounds! Will I not?” I replied; “if it is only to keep up the character of the cloth, I will do as much as any one; but,” continued I, turning to the rest of the company, “in so saying, I do not mean to disparage any of those present.”

“You are one of us,” said Father Casimir; “place yourself here between this pretty creature and me, and let us crack a bottle in honor of our new companion.”

While the bottle passes round, I will endeavor to amuse the reader with a sketch of the reverend Father Casimir. His Reverence was of the middle size, dark complexion, and of a right priestly corpulence. He was remarkable for his Socratic propensities, and he indulged them with but little restriction. He was an author and much reputed for his wit; as a writer, he was brutal in his satire, coarse in his humor, and indelicate when ironical. He had acquired a name by writings possessing no merit, but full of malignity; and the success of his lampoons consoled him for the horsewhipping which they occasionally procured him. It must however be confessed that it was wrong to abuse him in this manner, since, although the libels appeared under his name, he had done no more than correct what others had fabricated for him. When he discovered any young persons to be possessed of some talents, he endeavored to cultivate them, by giving them subjects to write upon, revising their work, and having it printed, which latter proceeding was often productive of very disagreeable consequences. But he did not much mind this; and as the miser consoles himself after being hooted in the streets by counting over the riches of his iron chest, so the laughter that he excited in public against others, wiped away the tears that he was at times compelled to shed in private by the wrath of individuals.

Thus while he enjoyed the pleasures of literature in his closet, he was able to gratify all his desires by having recourse to the arses of his myrmidons. As a reward for their complaisance, he gave his niece up to them, and she acquitted his debts. The porter of the convent was altogether in his interest, so that the girl, wine, meat, or whatever else he wanted, was introduced without difficulty. He preferred the organ-loft for the scene of his orgies, as it was less liable to interruption, and all were at hand to attend to the regular services in the church, which prevented any suspicion arising.

In spite of all the precautions of Father Casimir to secure his pupils for himself, he was frequently losing them; and they often used those weapons against him, which he had taught them how to handle, and distributed their pasquinades among their fellows. But now I turn to other matters.

Father Casimir's niece was a little lively brunette; her appearance at first sight was rather against her, but further scrutiny made ample amends for that disadvantage. Her neck and bosom were not exactly what they had once been, but she made the most of them. Her eyes were small, but black and sparkling, and had an expression of refined coquetry, and occasionally a spice of lasciviousness. Her conversation was remarkable for its wit and gaiety. In a word, she was all that was necessary for me; and as soon as I found myself seated beside her, those confused emotions which I experienced when I first saw Father Polycarp with Annette, took full possession of me again. Long privation of sensual enjoyments had rendered my general tone of feeling so different that I seemed to have entered upon another state of existence. I looked at my neighbor, and her laughing and easy air made me fully sensible that I should not languish with my desires unsatisfied any longer than I delayed making the proposal. I was well aware that no damsel who meant to play the vestal would be found in the midst of a band of monks, but my good fortune appeared to me so extraordinary, that I hardly knew what to make of it; I trembled and was so fearful of losing the golden opportunity that I had some difficulty in mustering up courage enough to profit by it. My hand was on her thigh, which was pressed against mine; she took my hand and put it through the pocket-hole of her petticoat; I guessed what she wanted and did not hesitate to put my hand where it was required. The touch of a place which I had been so long deprived of, gave me such a thrill of pleasure that all the company perceived it, and one of them cried out.

“Bravo, Father Silas, you are at it!”

I might probably have been somewhat disconcerted by this exclamation if she had not at the very moment given me a kiss and unbuttoned my breeches, when she seized my member with one hand and put the other arms round my neck.

“Look here, my good fathers,” said she, as she drew my weapon from its lurking place; “can any of you show me such a beauty as this?”-.'

The whole company burst into a noisy expression of their admiration, and each congratulated her on the treat she was about to have. Afterwards Father Casimir requested silence, and addressed me in the following terms:

“Father Silas, you have Marianne at your disposal; you see her, and may you excuse me the necessity of proclaiming her good qualities.

“She is accomplished, and will soon make you participate the highest pleasures imagination can conceive; but this enjoyment must be on one condition.”

“What is this condition?” I asked; “must I give my blood?”

“No; only your arse.”

“What the devil would you be at with that?”

“Oh, that's my business.”

I was so eager to kiss Marianne that I made no objections to the terms proposed. I immediately set about mounting my filly, and the old goat was on my back in a moment. Although Casimir seemed to be splitting me up behind, the pleasure I tasted with his niece diverted my attention from the pain. We were soon swimming in pleasure; and if the excess of voluptuous sensations made me desist a moment from my labor of love, the good Father stirred me up, and incited me to follow his example. Thus pushed and pushing, the strokes of the uncle re-echoed in the bower of the niece, whose vigor amazed the whole company. Father Casimir was very soon left behind in the race, and he, like the rest, surprised at the obstinacy of the combat, stood with them awaiting its issue. I wondered that Marianne was able to compete with me, for I thought I had collected all the strength that I had acquired during so long a period. She was enraged at meeting with an antagonist who was capable of vanquishing her, after all her victories over the bravest youths of the convent. We had already spent four times, when Marianne, shutting her eyes, inclining her head, awaited my fifth discharge as a finishing stroke; she received it, and when she had meditated thereon for a few moments, she quitted my embrace and candidly confessed herself beaten. I was proud enough of my victory, and immediately presented her with a bumper, and took another myself, and thus sealed our reconciliation in the generous produce of the vine.

When the diversion produced by this incident was past, every one resumed his place at the table, and Casimir began a panegyric of his favorite recreation. Being fundamentally acquainted with the subject, he acquitted himself very well. He gave a lengthy enumeration of all its most noted admirers; among whom he cited many philosophers, popes, emperors, and cardinals. He even went as far back as the adventure of Sodom, and contended that the opinion generally received respecting that event was a gross and willful perversion of the case.

The reverend Father's discourse was followed by the applause that it merited, and which it was certain of receiving from an audience so much enamored with the subject of it. Rogering backway and frontway was again begun; and after some further time spent in drinking and laughing, we parted, with a mutual promise to renew the feast that day week: these banquets were too expensive to take place every day, as the income of Father Casimir was insufficient for holding them more frequently, and none of the rest had wherewithal to help him. Marianne and I parted the best friends in the world; but the poor child soon found that it was dangerous to play with me, as in a very short time her apron-strings proved too short. Father Casimir took care to manage things secretly; it was but fair for him to take on himself to provide against the risks to which he exposed his niece. She got out of the dilemma without much difficulty, and the only inconvenience attending it was that her unexpected pregnancy interfered with the regularity of our nocturnal meetings. I took to Casimir's remedy for the evil, and soon became redoutable to the arses of all our novices; but it was not long before I fell back upon my former taste, and preferred the pleasures of the front entrance to the much boasted charms of the back door.