Robert Sermaise - The fleshly prelude

"Yes, despite myself, I remain somewhat timid."

"Have I been clumsy again? Are you annoyed with me?"

"Oh! no. On the contrary, I am deliciously surprised. Even a little astonished that such dizziness-so sweet, so ineffably sweet-can be bought without pain. But I know that, sooner or later, you will hurt me, — that you must hurt me."

"People have been frightening you needlessly, darling."

"I'm not frightened on my own account. When I'm in the state into which you threw me just now, you could indeed do anything you like with me. But I am anxious on account of our love. I fear the moment when the infinitely tender and delicate being you are to-night must appear to me more violent and… how can I express it?"

"Say what you have got to say, without fear."

"Rather bestial perhaps. But understand me clearly. I confessed it to you to-night; and I would pardon you for anything now. Only, I would first of all be saturated with your tenderness, up to the point of no longer having even to pardon you, — up to the point of accepting everything without a feeling of revolt, since I should have lost all willpower under your caresses."

For a time we remained silent. Then she continued:

"You must find me stupidly complicated, my poor dearie. Maybe I was wrong in remaining voluntarily ignorant of too many things. But I attached such great importance to this great mystery: so ardently did I desire never to approach it until I was in a state of grace."

"I attach an equal importance to it, darling. Nay, a more self-conscious importance, though from a different point of view. Later I will tell you how ardently-over there, in my distant place of exile-I desired your body. But I also loved the profoundness of your soul, your intelligence and seriousness, because they seemed to me to be the pledge of a richer love, because… It's difficult to explain to you, — and I fear to give offence to your sense of delicacy."

"Oh! no, speak on. Am I not your wife? — your loving wife? What do you want to say to me?"

"That, in advance, your very intelligence, your mystic soul brought me a promise of pleasurable sensations-of fleshly voluptuousness. I read therein the certainty of a more ardent intimacy of our flesh, because it would be nourished by all the resources of your soul as well as by your bodily instincts. Nevertheless I misunderstood you."

"You?"

"I was incapable of seeing that all this perfection I love in you is a delicate plant. I failed to understand with what warm and patient tenderness it must be surrounded to bring it to florescence, — to make it bloom with the intense passion of which I knew you were capable. To open my eyes another person was necessary, — and I will tell you more on that score. On the other hand, since then I have reflected and taken an oath… But, after the unspeakable incident of this afternoon, you will not believe me."

"Come now, darling, let me say once more that I love you all the more on that account. Moreover, you know quite well what absolute faith I have in your loyalty, although it may momentarily break down under the stress of that madness… That state of madness which is not yourself, — and which some day, perhaps, will be what I love most in you."

"The oath I have taken-and I believe, despite everything, that I shall have the strength to keep it-is to wait until the moment when, with your entire consent-knowingly, you will surrender yourself. And now I wish you no longer to have the slightest fear, neither for yourself nor for our love, knowing that on you alone depends the hour for our complete union".

Once more she let her head fall on to my shoulder and repeated: "I love you… I love you." Then, seizing my hand, which was resting on her knees, she raised it gently, with a sliding movement, in contact with her dress, and brought it to rest against her bosom. Under the material, which moulded her form to perfection, I could feel the perfect rotundity of one of her breasts. Two of my fingers were resting on her bare throat, at the very opening of her bodice. Had I understood my wife's action? Was it a mere reflex of her tenderness, — or a conscious appeal for more intimate caresses? I dare not come to any conclusion, through the fear that I might too easily give way to the suddenly hot feeling which rose to my brain from my stiffening sex. Meanwhile Therese curved-in the small of her back; her bosom was raised towards me, completing her tender movement until it became an unmistakable offering. It was then, with a slightly trembling hand, that I drew down her dress.

Admirable in its purity, the budding curve of a breast came into view. I was filled with astonishment on discovering such immaculate whiteness, — a whiteness all the more disturbing through its contrast with her throat and arms, tanned by the sun. Very slowly-despite an impatience which I had a difficulty in restraining — the dress slid down until a tinted aureole proclaimed the appearance of a nipple.

Compressed by the descending dress, it looked, at first, as though it wanted to hide itself; but, suddenly, out it slipped, in all its rosy firmness, — quite small, yet oh how alluring! I gazed intensely on this morsel of delicate flesh, which seemed the quintessence of Therese's femininity; and my voluptuous sensations still further increased at the idea that this nipple-so fleshly, so full of living animality-belonged to an intelligent and pure being.

However, wholly absorbed in contemplation, I remained motionless, and my hand forgot to draw her dress still further down. Therese raised her head, blinked under the dazzling light, and glanced at her seminude breast. She herself appeared to be astonished at its whiteness.

Then, suddenly, she hid it with her hands and, in a little childish voice, roguish and supplicatory at one and the same time, exclaimed:

"I'm almost ashamed, darling. For the light, here, is so crude."

Without responding a single word, I took her in my arms and carried her into the adjoining room.

This room-a rococo drawing-room of doubtful taste, yet comfortable withal- was illuminated merely by a low lamp, the blue shade of which allowed but little light to filter through. Having placed Therese in an ample easy-chair, I knelt down on the carpet at her side. I was in an uncertain state of mind and somewhat exasperated. Was I to come into continual conflict with that easily shocked modesty of hers?… But without more ado, my wife slipped down the shoulder-straps of her dress; and then, with a pretty, supple movement, she pulled it down altogether, denuding herself entirely, down to her waist. She had closed her eyes and, with her head against the back of the chair, was extending her breasts towards me.

In the domain of pure aesthetics, even in the case of a cool-headed observer whose desire is uninfluenced by a too-partial admiration, I know nothing more harmoniously beautiful than a woman's torso. A miracle of Nature, — all the more touching as it is most rare, as it is a unique marvel among so many ill-formed shapes. As my eyes became used to the semi-darkness of the room, that torso appeared to me to stand out in relief still more, strengthening the purity of its lines. A delicate and disturbing geometry, whose curves could not fail to identify themselves with a never-ending voluptuousness; but their exact symmetry seemed to be a concession made to the exigencies of reason. Placed high up, yet without exaggeration, Therese's breasts were most firm in their fullness; no unsightly fold broke the harmonious line which attached them to her body. Perhaps they were just a little less ample than they ought to have been, according to strict canonical rules; but they appeared all the more youthful and attractive on that account.

With a sigh, Therese stretched herself, — doubtless impatient with me because of my long contemplation, which deprived her of caresses.