Anonymous: Lustful Memoirs

Among my earliest recollections the frequent quarrels between my parents are most prominent. I was too young then to know which was most to blame, but as I got older I noticed that Papa always got angry when a Mr. Amberg was mentioned. I soon after noticed that when he came to the house, it was always when Papa was absent and Mama told me I must not tell Papa of his visits. Young though I was, I knew that something was wrong with this and I soon got to watching to find out what it was. I saw Mr. Amberg hug and kiss Mama, but I didn't think there was any wrong in that. I knew Papa didn't like Mr. Amberg, but I thought he was being unreasonable for I knew Mama liked him, and I liked him. Things went on in this way for a year or two. Mr. Amberg would come occasionally and I used to wonder why it happened that he always came when Mama and I were there alone. Mama would send me out to play, but I had got to be quite sly and watched them both when I had a chance. I saw them go into the bedroom together several times, but had no idea, then, what they went in there for.

One day Papa and Mama had a terrible quarrel; I don't know what it was about, but after Papa left the house, Mama began to pack some things in a trunk, and then she and I started for the Railroad Depot, which was not far from the house. I asked no questions but went with Mama into the car, and we traveled a long way, it seemed to me. When we left the car we went to a hotel where we remained a couple of days. I was really pleased to see Mr. Amberg come to our room, and so was Mama; she put her arms around his neck and kissed him, then she sat on his lap while they had a long talk. It was nearly night when he came. After it got dark, Mama asked me if I wasn't sleepy and said she thought I ought to go to bed. I wasn't sleepy but I made no objection and soon undressed and got into bed. After awhile Mama came into the bedroom. I kept quiet so she thought I was asleep, and pretty soon she began to undress and then she got into bed. I kept still as if I were asleep.

After Mama got into bed Mr. Amberg came into the room and got into bed. They both thought me asleep. They talked till I really began to get sleepy, but when Mr. Amberg began to move and Mama said “be careful not to wake Laura,” I was wide awake in a moment. Mama and Mr. Amberg moved about a bit. I didn't know then just what they did, but pretty soon Mama said, “Let me steer it,” and then after that they began to lass each other. They kept moving quite carefully, I thought so as not to awaken me. I didn't know then, nor for a long time afterward, what it was they were doing, but I kept still. After a little they were not so careful, they became more active in their movements, and then I was fearful that something was the matter with Mr. Amberg-he breathed so loud. But soon they became still, or nearly so. Then after awhile Mr. Amberg moved away from Mama. I lay awake awhile wondering what it all meant but, coming to no satisfactory conclusion, I fell asleep.

Mr. Amberg got up before I awoke next morning. I knew Mama didn't want me to know that he had slept with us, so I said nothing about it. Mama and I were alone in our rooms all the next day, but Mr. Amberg came again in the evening. I went to bed early again, and after I got to sleep, or so Mama thought, she came to bed. I had got into a position this time so that she could not tell that I didn't have my eyes tightly closed. When Mr. Amberg came in, he was already undressed. Mama turned down the bed clothes and he got in beside her. The room was not so dark that I couldn't discern pretty nearly everything. He put one arm under Mama's neck, but the other he had down under the bed clothes. After they had talked some time, Mr. Amberg said, “How soundly Laura sleeps.”

“Yes,” said Mama, “she always sleeps soundly.” Then he raised up on his elbow and kissed her a few times, after which began the movements I had only heard the night before. Raising the bed clothes, he got on top of Mama, who moved some so as to be easy under him, or so I supposed. Then she reached her hand down in the bed and presently said, “Now it's in nicely.” Again began the regular motions of the night before. I could see the bed clothes rise and fall and could tell that Mama moved as he did.

I need not say that I greatly wondered what it all meant. I wondered what it could be that was “in nicely” and what, indeed, it was in. But it was all Greek to me then. As their motions became more brisk, they were not as cautious as the night before. Still I did not think it expedient to wake up. I could see that he had his arm about Mama, and she seemed to be enjoying it so I was not alarmed. But after the loud breathing they both kept quiet for awhile. Finally Mr. Amberg threw back the bed clothes and got off of Mama, and then I saw that he had been between her thighs. As soon as he got off, Mama pulled her chemise down between her legs and pulled the cover over her again.

Next day Mr. Amberg left us as before. Just before noon my papa and another man came in, and such a time as they had I can't describe. It ended by Papa taking me and leaving Mama there alone. We went first to our old home. Then Papa found a place for me in a family in the country by the name of Wilcox. I never told anyone about Mama and Mr. Amberg. I had got in the habit of keeping my eyes and ears open and my thoughts to myself.

The Wilcox family consisted of the old folks and a married daughter who was visiting them, Mrs. Davey. One of the first things that excited my curiosity was that Mrs. Davey should have such a big belly. I have since learned that she had come home so as to be with her mother during confinement, but it was all a puzzle to me then, and after the baby was born I wondered why Mrs. Davey's belly was smaller than it was before. I had no one to talk with about it, however, so it remained a puzzle.

I next lived with a family named Manus. There were two girls, or rather young women, in the family. I began to get some light on the many things that had puzzled me by listening to them when they did not suppose I was paying any attention. I got an idea of the difference in the sexes, and some ideas, albeit confused, about sexual intercourse. The girls each had a beau. They used to tell each other about them, but they said many things I didn't understand. In the next place that I lived were two girls, orphans, one about my own age, the other about two years older. I lived there about three years. The girls were both well informed in regard to sexual matters and they soon imparted their knowledge to me.

Not far from where we lived was a neighbour who had a dairy. Among other employees were a couple of boys, two or three years older than we were. We were quite intimate with them, but there had been no grievous improprieties when I again had to change my residence, this time to live with an old couple who had a house adjoining the dairyman's. The girls used to visit me quite often, and we almost always managed to meet the boys when we were together.

Julia was almost old enough now to put on long dresses, while Lizzie and I had begun to feel a strong attraction for the male sex. Julia was really the most amorous, but Lizzie was the most reckless in words and deeds. One day we girls were out in the barn where we had had an exciting conversation, so that we felt in a mood for anything almost. Julia had taken off her drawers and pulled up her skirts to show that the hair was beginning to grow on hers. Lizzie took her drawers off then and was diligently hunting for some sign of hair when the barn door opened and in came one of the boys. We had spread some blankets on the floor and had been lying on them. Julia jumped up when she heard the door open, but Lizzie and I remained on the blanket. Abner came in and, seeing us on the blanket, he got down with us. Julia did the same. I know we were all glad he had come in.