Anonymous - The Oyster Volume V

'Her Ladyship is well satisfied,' said Abigail as I completed a perfunctory wash. 'She will in all probability send for you again. In addition, while there can be no question of a written reference, there is every likelihood that she will recommend you to Mrs. Lucas across the street. She also has need of occasional assistance in these matters, seeing as how her husband is so often away on business.'

'I had no idea that this sort of thing went on,' I said.

'It's not for the likes of us to concern ourselves with the habits of the gentry,' said Abigail rather sniffily. 'Though I must say that I prefer my gentlemen callers to be clean at least.'

Thus dismissed, I returned to my duties at the street corner, hoping that there had been no need for my other clandestine services while I had been away. Cautiously, I looked across to Lady M-'s. All appeared to be as it had been. I fingered the half-sovereign in my pocket, hoping that there would be no further demands upon my time and energies.

About an hour later, Holmes returned.

'I take it that nothing of note has transpired,' he said.

'Er, no,' I said, a little worried that he might have returned while I had been called away and was testing my veracity.

'A completely uneventful spell?' he asked. Was it just my guilty conscience or did he suspect something.

'No unexpected callers at Lady M-'s,' I said, aware that I was being evasive. I spotted a raised eyebrow.

'I, er — ' Then I pulled myself together, remembering that he also had been plucked from his observation station to render the self-same service as myself. 'Honesty is surprisingly often the best policy,' had been one of the maxims most favoured by Dr White at Nottsgrove.

'I had to leave my post for a short while in order to answer a call of nature,' I said, edging towards a full confession.

'Your nature or another's?' asked Holmes with a thin smile. He had guessed. With a sense of relief, I admitted to my adventure. He listened.

'It's a damn nuisance,' he said when I had finished, 'I sometimes forget the demands of the flesh. I also received a similar call earlier.'

'You don't think that the woman is in league with our blackmailer and that it was done deliberately to draw us away from our vigil?' I suggested.

He pondered the point. 'Possible but not probable,' he said. 'Although of course, a neighbour would have every opportunity to observe the comings and goings at Lady M-'s. Discretion is clearly not among her more marked qualities. There is nothing for it. Tomorrow we will both have to be on duty at the same time, in case further calls are made upon your services.'

'Or indeed, yours,' I said.

'I suspect that I shall be spared the wretched woman's demands. I had the foresight to simulate considerable incompetence.'

For a moment I entertained the unworthy thought that his incompetence had not been deliberate but then remembered that he was an adept in the more demanding Oriental arts.

'At least I shall remain in a position to carry out our watching brief,' he went on.

'Two crossing sweepers?' I said. 'Will that not look a little odd.'

'You shall be the sweeper,' he said, 'I shall remain completely hidden.' 'How?' I asked.

'I am an expert in these matters,' he said. 'Never fear. I will be invisible but present.'

'In the meantime,' I said, 'how long are we to remain here?'

'All night, if needs be,' Holmes said. 'The criminal classes have a natural affinity with the hours of darkness.'

I began to have some doubts about the pleasures of the detective's life. Dusk was falling. A cold wind was beginning to blow and my ragged clothing was likely to prove quite inadequate in keeping out the nocturnal chill. I was also becoming extremely hungry.

'I wonder-' I began.

'Ssssh,' Holmes said, holding up a warning finger. 'What?' I said.

'That tapping noise,' said Holmes.

I strained my ears. Sure enough, from some distance but nearing rapidly there came a sound of shuffling footsteps accompanied by a strange, insistent rapping.

'A blind man,' I said as I discerned a figure approaching in the gloom.

'Making surprisingly swift progress for one with his affliction,' said Holmes. 'Something's afoot.' Suddenly he turned in the other direction.

'A second blind man,' he said. 'An odd coincidence.'

We ducked down some area steps as he motioned me to silence. The two figures converged, each feeling along the kerbstone with his cane. Closer and closer they came. With a bump and a mutual cry of surprise, they collided. Each stood still as though waiting for the other to step out of the way. Then each began to mutter angrily as they measured up to each other. One waved his cane and made contact with the other.

'This is awful,' I whispered. Each obviously assumed that the other could see and expected him to stand aside. In a trice they were swearing and flailing at each other. I stepped forward.

Holmes pulled me back. 'Don't,' he hissed, 'I scent a diversionary tactic.' By now a grotesque fight had broken out. A carriage pulled up and the driver leaped down to pull the two apart. A passer-by joined in.

'There!' said Holmes.

'What?' I said.

'There! Getting out of the far side of the carriage.' Sure enough a shadowy figure had slipped out and quickly vanished towards the servants entrance to Lady M-'s establishment. 'That's our man,' said Holmes. 'Keep down!'

'How can you tell?' I asked.

'A well-dressed man in a top hat and with a silver-topped cane, descending to the servants entrance,' said Holmes. 'Even the most superior servant would not be so dressed. Note also the military bearing.'

There came the softest of raps at the door. At once it opened and our quarry was let in.

'Someone was waiting for him,' said Holmes. 'There is an accomplice inside the household.'

'What do we do?' I asked.

'We wait,' said Holmes.

We waited. The fighting blind men allowed themselves to be parted. They calmed down and tapped on down the road. The coach driver remounted, clicked his tongue at the horse and proceeded on his way, turning the corner and passing out of our sight. The passer-by, who had been the accidental recipient of a couple of stinging blows, patted himself down, wiped his face and walked on, limping a little. Silence fell. Holmes began to creep up the steps. Then as I followed, he crouched down, and I felt a pull at my elbow from behind. I turned, startled.

'Tuppence for a fuck,' said a small voice. 'Or thruppence for the both of you.' Angrily I pulled away.

'Not now!' I exclaimed, trying to keep my voice down.

'Tuppence for a very good fuck,' she insisted, and two thin but strong arms were flung round me. 'First of the evening,' she importuned. 'A good clean fuck.'

As I tried to wrestle her from me, my foot slipped and I fell down the steps and landed in a heap at the bottom, all entangled with her. As her body was squashed under mine, she wriggled and hung on to me.

At this point Mr. Pego betrayed me and rose to attention. She felt my mutinous member pressing against her and quickly dropped her hands down, seizing hold of him through the unfortunately threadbare cloth of my disguise.

'My, he's a big, strong fellow,' she said. 'Surely you wouldn't deny a girl a chance of feeling that inside her.'

Despairingly I looked up but Holmes had vanished, leaving me to grapple with my seductress.

'Never mind about the other gentleman,' she said. 'You can catch him up in a minute or two.'

'He's not a gentleman,' I hissed. 'We're just a couple of poor crossing sweepers. You've made a mistake.'

'Crossing sweepers don't talk like that,' she said. 'You're gentry, no matter how you're dressed. On your way to a fancy dress ball, are you?'

'We're keeping watch-' I started, nearly revealing all in my confusion.