Epic Stories - The First Space Orgy

“Welcome, friends and customers,” Steve Paul greeted them. A charismatic leader, Bob never invested in the company because he didn’t trust salesmen, the charismatic, or men with two first names. “Sorry you have to wear the masks and the heavy coats, but we are a few kilometers closer to orbit than the tip of Mt. Everest, thanks to Earth’s bulging belly. Soon you will witness a capsule shoot out of the launcher at 28,000 kilometers per hour, so don’t blink.” Only he laughed at his joke. “Please use your binoculars when we tell you or you will miss it. We have also set up a video that will replay the launch in very, very slow motion. Although this structure is sound proof, a supersonic boom will still hit us. Anyone outside, who could somehow endure the thin air and freezing cold, would have their eardrums burst. Tomorrow twenty of you will get married, and the day after you will be among the rare few to get the privilege of riding a train through a volcano into orbit!”

He laughed again to an otherwise silent room. The lonely ride up unsettled many of them. Several people used their binoculars to look down the mountain.

“That’s a very long walk,” Paul joked. Most of the glacier had already melted, but he didn’t envy the poor bastards who still had to make the trip on foot.

“I’m higher than Keith Richards,” Bob joked to the few people who heard of the long dead Rolling Stones musician.

“This is the view from inside the capsule,” the CEO helpfully pointed out. A giant computer screen showed increasingly blurry images as it shot by. In the beginning, they could make out numbers that marked each kilometer. Towards the end, they couldn’t even identify the numbers. “It is now inside the volcano.”

The Arab prince, who Jasmine grew to despise, for more than the taste of his nasty jism, started swaying like a skyscraper in an earthquake. His soon-to-be wife steadied him in alarm. The group always traveled with a company psychiatrist, who now tried to get the poor man to sit down.

Soon a countdown from ten to zero started.

“Watch closely!”

Something the size of a bus spat out above them, then quickly grew smaller as it flew farther away into the heavens. Instead of smoke, like from a cannon, they could see the contrails as it literally punched through the air. Like spy satellites that find ships by searching for their wakes, the guests tried to see the capsule by the contrails it left behind.

Then the sonic boom hit them like a hurricane wind, shaking the mountaintop like a pissed off giant. It must have been much worse when they ended the launcher at the summit.

“That’s it?” Bob asked, unimpressed.

James heard a thud. Turning, he saw some guests cradle the prince on the floor. His fiancee looked on, horrified. She seemed more embarrassed than concerned for his health. Later they would learn it was a political marriage between ambitious assholes.

Gandhi once remarked that those in the west try to marry the one they loved, while those in the east try to love the one they married. This bitter lady clearly had no love for her husband-to-be.

The guy opened his eyes, but James could not make out what he was mumbling. His right hand shook and something didn’t smell right. His fiancee now started cursing at him. He didn’t understand why until he got his first whiff of urine.

Did that guy just pee himself?” Gina asked.

Indeed he did.

James, who tasted his sperm, had the last laugh. Literally. He walked over, looked the guy in the eyes, and laughed so hard he cried. James began ridiculing him while, to add insult to injury, his fiancee kicked the poor man while he was down.

The psychiatrist looked at the CEO and sadly shook his head.

“It appears we have a vacancy,” Mr. Paul announced with a fake cheer. The Arab lady jumped for joy, fist-pumping the launcher. “Is there a single couple willing to marry tomorrow who is healthy and rich enough to pay $2 million to honeymoon in orbit?”

“I’d love to marry my girlfriend tomorrow,” Bob said, “but I don’t have a ring.”

Gina rushed to the Arab lady. “It will be harder for him to marry you if you give away the rings.”

The princess took off the engagement ring from her finger, searched the guy on the floor for the other rings, then handed them to Gina. Camera crews pushed people aside to get the best view as Bob got on one knee, slipped a ring on Gina’s finger, and looked up at her with love.

“There goes my best man,” James whispered to Jasmine. “I was once best man at a nude wedding and came within an inch of being best man.”

“Shhhh!” Jasmine whipped out her camera phone to record the proposal through her tears.

“I thought I was happy before I met you, but it turns out that I didn’t know what happiness was until you entered my life. Now I can’t imagine living without you. I was blind, but you helped me see; deaf, but now I can hear. You are the last thing I see before I sleep, and the first thing I see when I wake. Losing that would make me suffer more than waterboarding. I need you now, and I need you for the rest of my life. In return, I promise that I will be yours, only yours, and yours forever. I will take care of you, protect you, and savor you for as long as I breathe. Gina, the love of my life, will you marry me?”

No sooner did Gina whisper “yes” than her daughter screamed like fingernails clawing a chalkboard. Gina threw herself at her fiancee so hard she nearly knocked the poor man over. He twirled her around, almost smacking James in the head with her high heels. The producer of the reality show looked happiest of them all. James and Jasmine hugged and the four of them cried until the cameras stopped rolling.

Viewership among women multiplied in the wake of the sudden proposal. It turned out that Arab jerk hurt ratings anyways. But now they had a new and unique element to the drama: high school lovers, one of whom marries the woman’s daughter, while the other marries the guy’s father. Plus, they had decent footage of the girl having sex with her father-in-law, while the guy rimmed his mother-in-law. To further monopolize the show, the girls now talked of having babies at the same time, never mentioning that Gina had her tubes tied.

The beautifully staged wedding rivaled the nuptials of the first son of King William and Queen Kate. Pop stars played for the guests, celebrities filled the audience, and everyone wore their sponsorships literally on their sleeves.

Now came the hard part. The honeymoon.

The nine happy couples and the two Russians were strapped in like those new super-fast, gravity-free roller coasters. The capsule looked so much bigger from the outside. Bob, James, Jasmine, and Gina occupied the front row since they were the most popular characters on the show.

“I hope everyone already went to the bathroom,” Mr. Paul joked on the screen in front of them. “Soon, you will be moving at eight kilometers per second, through a volcano, up into the sky, to dock at the largest rock that once crossed Earth’s orbit. There you will honeymoon at our brand new luxury hotel within Ganymed. Remember: no smoking!”

Viewers apparently found him less annoying than the new married couples.

“Nervous, dad?” James asked, himself having second thoughts.

“Nah. Not after doing the Mission to Mars simulator at Disney’s Epcot in Orlando. I’m looking forward to having sex in micro-gravity. I just can’t believe how boring my life used to be.”

“You fucking married me!” Gina said, still in shock.

“I’ll marry you again in twenty-five years.”

“Done!”

Jasmine loved seeing her mother happy, married, and financially secure, but couldn’t help feel conflicted that her mother was the most popular member of the show. While Jasmine had several months to get used to the idea of wedding bliss, Gina still glowed like one of those new light bulbs. That pulled the heart strings of millions of ladies watching on the Internet.