Jonathan Richardson - Confessions Of An English Traveler

“Each novel must contain a moral,” my writer friend insists.

“Mine contains none,” I said.

“Then you are not writing a novel in the true sense of the word,” my didactic friend stubbornly maintained.

I wisely presented no argument to the contrary, but I do know this-I find delight in putting down these few reminiscences, some good and some bad, a moral. Nonetheless, I delight indulging in this form of writing.

Many Englishmen-and other nationalities — would label this bit of writing as 'obscene, filthy, dirty, and a disgrace to man's intelligence,' and I would find it hard put to understand why they applied these labels, for is it not from the womb- and a woman's cunt-that we all come?

Or do we all step from our fathers' ears, full-grown and complete, like Pantagruel did from the ear of Gargantua-or was it the other way around, not that it matters one whit?

And did the semen which created all of us in that warm, damp womb not come from the testicles of man? And did not the woman who bore us receive this man's penis in delight, her hips working in mad happiness as the father of us all applied his penis to her vulva?

And did not both secrete fluids-heavenly fluids — that when joined made the first cell of us, as the men of medicine are beginning to think?

So, then, what can be foul, obscene, filthy (and the other bad adjectives!) about writing about sexual intercourse?

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, as some wit has written, then must not obscenity be in the same eye?

But enough of digression. Perhaps this work may not have a moral but then perhaps it is educational? Perhaps it helps some young man-or woman-to achieve a sexual balance in his or her life, something very necessary and primary in the art of living?

Now let us return to me and the buxom maid in the six and nine position there on that bed. She was beneath me, you will remember, and my hips went up and down, driving and pulling my prick in her mouth, and she employed all the technique my uncle-and I, too-had taught her about sucking.

If the reader doubts there must be technique employed in sucking then I ask him to do only one thing-procure a long banana and drive it in and out of his mouth, imitating a prick sliding in and out between his teeth.

Have him put lip pressure on the banana. He will discover, to his surprise, that his jaws are terribly strong, for the jaw muscles are the most powerful in the human body, I have read. And, at the same time, he will discover that his lips are not a bit powerful.

In fact, lips are weak. As the experimenter skins the banana back and forth, he will find that, although he tries to apply much power from his lips, his lips in reality have very, very little crushing ability.

Thus a good sucker must develop lip muscles in order to massage a penis, must he not?

These muscles can be developed only through scientific application. My uncle prepared-or had manufactured-a long black cock made of rather hard rubber, looking precisely like a huge penis, and on this the maid practiced day after day, sucking and pulling with her lips, being careful not to bite into the rubber-for one of the prime requisites of good sucking is to never, never, touch the penis with your teeth.

Unbeknown to the King and his Christians, we have in London at this writing houses of sucking where one may be relieved by either a male or female mouth. Were one of these professional mouths to merely nibble a penis the owner of that mouth would therewith be immediately propelled into the ranks of the unemployed, of which London seemingly has thousands.

According to my uncle, the little maid learned to suck immediately, and my Uncle said in his jovial way that she was born with 'sucking talent.'

My uncle should know. He personally taught three of the king's cabinet and four of the queen's ladies-in-waiting the art of professional sucking.

Where had he learned this?

My uncle-in his heyday-reportedly was one of the best suckers extant, not only in England but also including the continent and, of course, France, where sucking is indeed a profession.

My uncle once disclosed, while in his cups, that he sucked five times the king that preceded this idol-worshiping fat-assed sonofabitch that now has his lardy buttocks on the throne. My uncle reported this king as being very short of penis and with a semen that tasted very, very bitter.

But let us return to the neophyte with the banana riding back and forth in his mouth. This learner will soon realize that the mouth is not very deep and that even a short banana, when inserted into the full depth of the mouth, will cause him to gag when it touches the far back reaches of his throat, just above his tonsils.

What then does the tyro do to avoid gagging, for if he chokes he instinctively closes his mouth, and as his mouth closes naturally his teeth bite his client's penis-and this, as stated, is strictly against sucking ethics.

The answer is simplicity itself: He must master breathing techniques. When the penis' knob is deep in his throat, he must stop breathing or he will, as stated, have a tendency to gag, if not to vomit.

And if the sucker vomits, naturally he bites what is in his mouth-and this, of course, violates all sucking ethics, one might say to coin a phrase.

Therefore the breath must be held when the penis is in to its utmost length. Besides holding his breath, the sucker must, at the same moment, manipulate the penis with his lips, just as the little maid now was doing to my rigid prick.

We have now attended to the matter of proper breathing and proper lip manipulation. Now let us turn our attention to the tongue of the receiver.

The tongue is very important in sucking, but not as important as the lips, one must admit. Naturally, when the penis enters, the tongue lies below the organ, the penis sliding back and forth over the tongue. What use, then, has the tongue?

For one thing, the tongue massages the penis, just as the sexy maid's warm and broad tongue massaged my sword. The maid is an expert with her tongue, and I shall, for the benefit of those who wish to learn to suck properly and successfully, outline briefly her tongue procedure.

As my penis slides into her throat, she doubles her tongue under it, thereby making a small bump which, in turn, pushes my penis up hard against her palate, therefore putting much pressure on my plunging prick.

My cock now is deep in her throat. Accordingly, she holds her breath until, once again, my prick is on her tongue, close to the tongue's tip. Although she wisely does not breathe during deepest penetration, her tongue nonetheless does not shirk its trained and capable duties.

Her tongue pushes hard upward. I feel my cock constricted beautifully between her tongue and palate. Has any of my male readers ever masturbated?

What a foolish question! Even my uncle, cocksman as he is, sometimes masturbates in high glee, even if a woman-and her cunt-is handy.

My uncle points out that an anus is the tightest orifice on a human, with the mouth being second, a cunt being third.

“It is indeed ironic,” he many times has stated in his dry manner, “that the hole the Creator created for man to use the most is also the largest and loosest on the human female body.

“That is,” he added slyly, “if there is indeed a Creator. Frankly, I don't know but our good King says there is, so there must be!”

He broke into guffaws. “And I don't give a continental shit if there is or there isn't,” he roared.

My uncle maintains that the human hand wrapped around a human penis is the best for bringing that male to a fast climax. His arguments in favor of masturbation are simple and elementary, like my uncle himself.

“The hand can contract much tighter than a mouth, asshole or cunt, to state it in the vulgar. The hand can be manipulated and can bend the cock whichever direction it wishes, something only the mouth can do and which the asshole or cunt can't begin to perform.