Jonathan Richardson - Confessions Of An English Traveler

“The depth of stroke of the hand can be adjusted to fit the condition and size of the penis being stroked, also. And the hand can be just as warm-if not warmer-than a cunt.

“To me, assholes have never felt warm. I guess that is because of the excrement-much of which is liquid-which hangs close to the anal ring and which the penis meets immediately upon entrance.

“Cunts, to me, seem warmer than anuses, although many times they are much sloppier, especially after the owner of the cunt has had two or three-or more-orgasms.

“The tightness of the anal ring keeps the excrement inside the colon. I would judge the anus has some very strong muscles although I daresay those muscles are not as strong as jaw muscles.

“Allow me to state a simple fact, please?”

My uncle said that during masturbation the masturbator's imagination was given free rein. “Actually, I have lain on bitches, fucking them either in asshole, cunt or mouth, and imagined I was astraddle some other cunt. Indeed, one time I was doing it to a girl named Mabel and imagining I rode Esther, and so strong was my imagination that when my moment of ejaculation came I grunted, 'Esther, what a good fuck you are, Esther my love!' ”

My uncle related that Mabel became very incensed. “And I hardly knew the chippie, nephew. I had just met her once before, when she and her husband came to a party of mine.

“Once a man does it to a woman, the woman unconsciously-or consciously-thinks that henceforth she has some sort of hold on the man. That is why so many men go to whorehouses to blow off steam.

“Whores don't follow a customer down the street. Their job is to please men through various sexual maneuvers. When the proceedings are over the prostitute is paid and she apparently doesn't even know the man again.

“But to get back to various forms of intercourse, nephew….”

I was brought back to earth by the little maid gently nibbling my knob. She spoke around my bulb, her words naturally muffled.

“Sire, your prick is growing soft. Sire, m'lord, you do not fuck my mouth with your usual abandonment. Are you growing tired of my lips, m'darling master?”

Actually, I was rather weary of her. As stated, I soon tire of a cunt, and I was tired of her, using her only when no other hairy spot was available, as like today.

I was at the point of telling her I was tired of all three portals-cunt, anus and mouth-but caught my words in time, for an irate woman has been known to severely bite a man's cock-for a woman, on being rejected, becomes what she is, a mere animal.

To even the most unenlightened reader it must be easily apparent that my uncle does not hate women… he detests them, and I fear that I, perhaps trodding in his sex-filled footsteps, am becoming to be an adherent of the same cult, much to my apparent dislike.

To me a woman is becoming a vehicle only to propagate the race-something which I have no desire to do-and afford man pleasure sexually, and perhaps we could add that some make good housekeepers, although such a woman is indeed a rarity.

Most women, in truth, do not learn how to fuck, thereby not even using the only hold they have over a man. Most just lie on their backs, legs open and up, as the man plies his sword. They make not a wriggle or movement to aid him who pays their bills. Indeed, most of them do nothing but gasp and break wind while undertaking the penis.

As for mouths, most would immediately feel anger if a man asked them to suck him, which goes back to my uncle's theory that fucking in the cunt comes naturally to a human female, they will after some persuasion take the penis rectally-but few will take the cock in the mouth, as my little maid was doing, and as her lips, tongue, jaws and other muscles now pulled on my prick.

I mentioned, I do believe, that my face was between her legs, my mouth ladling whiteness from her vagina, did I not? Well, there is much to learn in lapping, also.

My uncle taught me how to lap. I spent hours before a mirror making my tongue twist into a sort of a spoon-like ladle with which I could sweep the sweet, white cum from the pulsating cunt.

Sometimes get on your hands and knees and watch your dog lap water. Notice how his red tongue makes itself into a spoon wherein he laps the water to transfer to his gullet.

One would gain no information watching his cat lap milk for the cat has corrugated points on his tongue and, when he laps, the milk stays behind these corrugations and is thus transported to the feline mouth.

It is very difficult to train the muscles of the tongue to twist the tongue into a spoon-like affair. I practiced many, many hours, I can assure you.

Also, the tongue must go sidewise into the cunt, for usually the tongue is too broad to enter crosswise. A lapper may twist his head, his nose facing a thigh, or he may learn to twist his tongue until it stands on edge and therefore easily enters the moist, damp cunt.

Once the tongue is safely inside the cunt, the owner of the tongue can then place his head in normal position-in other words, he can then face the female's bare feet.

Now arises another problem for the lapper. Some women love to roll their buttocks high and present their cunt in such a position that the man's tongue goes directly down into it.

Many put a pillow under their buttocks to attain this desired angle of their hips. Thus when a man's head comes down his nose is buried in the female's anus, and some females, possibly because their passion loosens their bowels, might fart loudly and damply, thus spraying the man's face-and nostrils-with a spattering of brown.

I do not object to the breaking wind, for some females have very sweet farts-in fact, I do believe that the fart of any female-yes, any — is always much sweeter in smell than the fart of even the sweetest-farting male.

This fact, of course, cannot be proved, and shall have to go down as personal preference, nothing more. But each time the male head goes down, the male tongue going like a prick into the female cunt, the male's nose must, of course, pierce the female asshole below him.

To me it seems strange indeed that some men- either while sucking a man or tonguing a woman-become ill when sniffing an asshole, for as stated I find the anus perfume very enticing.

These men, I understand, like the taste of semen or ovary secretions, and to fully enjoy these they wear cotton pads in their nostrils and breathe through their mouths, which indeed must be a difficult task when they skin their mouths up and down a rigid penis.

I can easily understand how the nostrils could be plugged when such men ladle a female because their mouths are not full, as they are when the mouths caress a knobby prick.

When ladling a cunt, a man can breathe around his tongue, of course. Personally, I believe similar to my good uncle who says, “If I didn't enjoy farts and shit in my face and nose I'd not be over a woman's cunt with my mouth. I would quit ladling and sucking entirely.”

I have discovered, through long practical application, that some female ovaries secrete much sweeter cum than other ovaries. I do not know why this is. Some claim it is because the woman with sweet cum eats sweeter and less seasoned food, and I have found merit in this theory, strange and unnatural as it may seem, for I have found the cum of Italian women rather bitter, and these women eat many highly-spiced foods.

I have never ladled a Spanish woman. A male friend of mine has 'eaten' a few Spanish females and he reports each had very bitter cum. He once ladled a woman visiting in Spain and her cum, he said, was bitter as gall.

He later made discreet inquiries and learned that this woman-the one with cum like gall-came from Mexico, which is a poor, priest-ridden country south of the bastardly colonies of English religious fanatics, which I have mentioned previously and hope I do not mention again, for the very words on my tongue make my belly sick.