Anonymous - Confessions of an Author

I gave you these pages, my dear friend, on the same day that my doctor had given me the impression I could expect the end. And as the last favor to a friend I had asked you to publish the pages I had given you. That I ultimately did not die is neither your nor my doctor's fault. But meanwhile you have read my honest and forthright confessions and are of the opinion that they should not be withheld from the rest of the world. As a matter of fact, you consider these confessions educational. Of course, I have to smile about that. I have no desire to educate. Not anybody. To educate means to spoil. But I have an idea: to publish these confessions is bound to give a certain beautiful woman a marvelous case of jaundice.

So, please, do publish my diary. Just change the names and leave out something here and there, wherever you think that I might be too easily recognized. The beautiful woman, that harridan, will recognize me well enough … and that suits me just fine.

My sexual desires were awakened at a rather early age and I can remember all the circumstances that contributed to this early awakening quite clearly. I had a mother who was very beautiful and a real woman. Whenever she took me upon her lap, I pressed myself close against her and loved to push my face against her full and resilient breasts. I often tried to unbutton her blouse, because I wanted to put my face against her bare skin; but, to be perfectly frank, the moment Mama realized my intentions, she slapped my hands. It made me more aware… I started to think. Now, why shouldn't I press my face against Mama's beautiful, rosy, bare skin?

I was five years old when Mama took me with her to the city's bathing establishment. I was not the only boy in the ladies' department. It gave me immense pleasure to watch all these women in their many-colored bathing suits and to see those naked calves. There was one in particular that I could not keep my eyes off. She was wearing a tight-fitting knit suit and had already been in the water. The tricot fitted her like her own skin. The little buds on her breasts stuck out quite visibly and her thighs were marvelously white and full. A few of the ladies noticed my obvious delight and I heard Miss Rita Hellmer — who was destined to play an important role in my later years — remark to one of the other girls, “That little boy starts early!” Though I did not understand her remark, it made me think, and now I felt duty-bound to really stare at that beautiful woman in her tricot.

Mama had left me in the care of one of the female attendants and a few of the boys who could already swim. But suddenly she took me along with her and sat down with me on the steps which led to the swimming pool. Oh, how I pressed myself against her! Now I really felt her skin and saw the beautiful bosom which stood out firmly in the red bathing suit. At that time a strange, up till then unknown, feeling shivered through me and I had to hold myself tightly against Mama, since, otherwise, I would have slid into the water. I was overcome with a sudden vertigo. Mama noticed that I did not feel too well and brought me over to a bench which was standing next to the cabin in the shadow. She sat down next to me and I leaned my face against the wet red suit, precisely where it stretched tightly across her bosom. I sat there very quietly and I was very happy. As soon as Mama noticed that I had quieted down, she wanted to stand up. However, I held her tightly and she had to virtually beg me to let go of her so that she could take one more swim in the pool. I let go of her but my eyes followed her greedily and when she went out of sight I cried quietly. Finally she returned. She walked quickly into her cabin to dress so that she could take care of me as fast as possible. I sat there for awhile but she took too long, so I got up and hurriedly slipped into the unlocked cabin. There I saw Mama, standing before me in full and gorgeous nudity.

I heard her cry out in surprise. I saw how she grabbed for the first piece of clothing and held it in front of her and I was terribly disappointed that now I could only see her nude arms and the little blonde hairs in her armpits. That was the day my sexual feelings were awakened and from then on I have had a continual desire for the sight of an unclad female. And at the same time I also may have felt that first, delicious itching in the attribute of my manhood, that certain feeling of pleasure which points the direction of the hand. I cannot remember how often I sat in the corner of the sofa, or surrounded by the bushes in our garden, with my eyes closed, imagining all the women and girls I knew in the nude, embracing and kissing each other and they all had the beautiful body which I had seen. And my little hand would go in my pocket and my fingers would feel around till they found the nudity of my prick and finally a sweet, weakening feeling would run through my body. During one of these fantasies, it suddenly occurred to me that I had not noticed that little thing on Mama's gorgeous body. It seemed to me the most important because it was that organ which caused me to have all these sweet pleasures. No, you could not see it on Mama. She had darling blonde hairs at that spot. But possibly I could have been mistaken. If I just could see her once more that way! I desired that so much that I asked her if we could go once more to the bathing establishment together. I noticed that Mama exchanged glances with my father. And my father said thereupon, “The next time I will take you with me.” But they did not please me with that answer in the least.

At that time I also had a nanny, a young girl who could laugh beautifully. She may have been seventeen or eighteen. She would romp around with me and she kissed me often. Every time we embraced I would hold onto her breasts with my little hands, though those breasts were not as full and firm as those of my Mama. But since she never punished me and also never complained about my little liberties to Mama, I loved her very much and trusted her more and more, far more than I ever did anybody else. I quite frequently lifted her skirts up to her knees whenever she sat down, though I did not get much higher. And I would have loved to find out if she had a similar sweet little thing. And even when I lay down upon the rug and tried my very best to look under her skirts when we were wrestling and playing, I never succeeded in noticing anything else but her white underwear.

Normally, Mama would bring me to bed, except when she had to go out with my father, which, as far as I can remember back to those days, was something that did not happen too frequently. But if and when, my nanny would take over that task. I will never forget the evening when that lusty young girl, Miss Rosa, my last nanny, had to put me to bed for the first time. My parents had left early that afternoon and they were going to stay away for the night. I was alone in the house with my nanny, because she had given the cook permission to go out and Mama had taken her chambermaid with her. My nanny was very nice to me and she also allowed me to sit on her lap while she caressed me. Suddenly she said to me, “Laddy, do you love me very much? Will you promise not to tell your Mama when somebody visits me?” I was very curious and swore solemnly to say nothing to Mama. Soon thereafter a young man showed up who brought chocolates for me and kisses for Rosa. Thereupon I was told to play with my fortress and set up all my tin soldiers exactly the way Miss Rosa had shown me, very carefully and taking my time. She just wanted to go with her “brother” into the other room for awhile and show him something.

At first I wanted to come along, but since she assured me that she would be right back, I let myself be talked into playing with my fortress and soldiers. I set up the strongholds and placed all my soldiers in a row … I had over one hundred and they were all carefully placed in rank and file but Rosa still had not returned to view the results of my labor. So I went to the door and knocked. “Just a moment, laddy, just a moment,” said the voice of my nanny, and she sounded as if she had just been running up and down the stairs. I stood on the tip of my toes and managed to open the door. Rosa and her “brother” were playing around on the rug, they were wrestling, she was underneath and he was on top. Their eyes sparkled and their faces were flushed. I started to laugh and let myself roll down upon the carpet, too. However, both of them had jumped up quickly and gone into my playroom. I thought that they were going to play tag so I got up and rushed after them. But now I saw that my nanny's blouse was open and that her “brother” was buttoning his trousers. And I also noticed immediately that both were very embarrassed.