Рейчел Уэллс - Alfie The Doorstep Cat

‘Matt, Polly has mum who is good, yes?’

‘Yes, she’s great.’

‘She come stay here for a few days, just to help out while Polly starts to get better.’

‘That’s a good idea. I’ll call her now.’ He looked a bit happier at the thought. ‘We have a camp bed, a nice one, which we can put in Henry’s room. The flat is a bit small to have someone else in, though.’ He looked concerned.

‘It does not matter. At least Polly have someone to take care of her.’ Matt looked at Thomasz as if he had solved the problem. ‘It might take time. She has pills but they have to find time to work,’ Thomasz said cautiously.

‘Yes, but at least she’s got help. Oh thank you so much, and most of all, thank you, Alfie, I think you may have saved us.’ As Matt made a huge fuss of me, I preened myself; I was proud and happy. I was doing good wherever I went, it seemed, and this may have been my most important act yet. I didn’t dwell on the element of luck that had taken me to Polly’s place at the right time, not when I had so much praise being heaped on me.

I had learnt from my time on Edgar Road that things weren’t always simple. At first I had seemed to help Jonathan and Claire. But then, look at Claire now. I hadn’t made her better. I still needed to help her; she desperately needed it. But until I figured out how on earth I would do that, I had to stay close to Polly and the family. Aleksy was very clingy with me and I knew that although he probably didn’t understand fully what was going on, he could sense that something wasn’t right. So I let him cling to me a little too tightly.

‘You’re my best friend, Alfie,’ he said to me and I wanted to cry, the way humans did when they had their hearts touched. If what the men were saying was true, Polly still had a long way to go.

Franceska eventually arrived home, on her own.

‘Polly is sleeping. She has pills to sleep and the doctor told her to take it now, she needs a lot of rest after …’

‘After what?’ Matt asked, looking concerned.

‘Today she has a breakdown of sorts. She loves you and Henry but her head isn’t feeling good. The doctor has given her pills to help in the short term but she must go and see someone. Counsellor. And she needs to rest and not be alone with Henry. The pressure is too much.’

‘I’ve phoned her mum and she’s coming down tomorrow,’ Matt said. ‘And I’ve taken a couple of days off work. They know that Polly is ill and we don’t have family here.’

‘You have us,’ Franceska stated, simply.

‘Yes, and I don’t know what we would have done without you, thank you so much.’

‘No thanks needed. You must go and take care of your wife and son, but we are here if you need anything.’

‘I left so much to Polly, the least I can do now is to look after my son. Am I the worst father and husband ever?’

‘No, Matt, you are working hard, it isn’t easy to see. And Polly, she not want you to see her struggle, or have you worry, so it’s a bad circle.’

‘A vicious circle,’ Matt said.

‘Sorry?’

‘That’s how we say it, a vicious circle. Sorry, I didn’t mean to correct your English.’

‘No, is good. We need to learn. Look, I come with you and show you to feed Henry so he is OK. I feel I should tell you that the doctor give Polly something to stop her milk. She says the breastfeeding is making her worse. Henry is fine and he is eating food now so formula will be OK and it mean you can feed him too, and her mother. Polly needs rest a lot right now.’

‘I’ll see that she gets it. I still feel bad, like I buried my head in the sand and kept telling myself that it wasn’t that bad, that she would snap out of it.’

‘It’s hard, postnatal depression is real illness, but she will get better. Now she can start. You are a good man, Matt, and she love you very much.’

I felt a little uncertain as I left the flat with Franceska, Henry and Matt. But I wanted to be there for Matt. Even if he didn’t know it, it made me feel better to be by his side. So I stayed in the living room, quietly, as he fed Henry as per Franceska’s instructions, and then bathed him and eventually put him down to sleep. I sat with Matt on the sofa as he came into the living room and wept like a baby. After a while, he sat up straighter.

‘My falling apart won’t help anyone. Come on, Alfie, I’ll make us some dinner. I’m sure we have a can of tuna in the cupboard.’ It was the first time I had ever dined with them but I didn’t care about the food, I was just unsure that they should be left alone. I knew I couldn’t really do anything, but I also thought my presence might be a comfort.

A bit later, Matt went to check on Polly; I went with him. She opened her beautiful eyes and looked at him.

‘What time is it?’ she asked, sleepily.

‘It doesn’t matter. Henry’s asleep. According to the list Franceska left me, you can take another pill. You need to sleep.’ Polly tried to sit up.

‘Is he all right?’ she asked. Her eyes filled with tears.

‘Yes, he’s perfect. And I know that as soon as you start getting better, you’ll think that too.’

‘I feel like I’ve failed. I’m a terrible mum, a bad wife, and I just didn’t know how to stop feeling like that.’

Matt stroked her hair, gently. ‘Darling, I feel I’ve failed you both. I should have taken better care of you, seen that you weren’t yourself. I feel terrible too.’

‘There’s not going to be any point in us blaming ourselves or each other is there?’ she asked, her eyes widening. Matt shook his head. ‘Frankie said that. She said that we would do, but it wouldn’t help, so we must stop it. I’m going to try. The doctor was really lovely, it was a woman and she understood, or seemed to. I didn’t want to have to take anything but I know that I need the pills. I can and will get help. I’ll be fine and I’ll look after my baby; our baby. All I want is to be a good mother.’

‘Of course you will be, darling.’ Matt had tears swimming in his eyes. ‘And I’m going to be here every step of the way. I love you so much, please Pol, never forget that.’

‘I did forget but only because my head was so cloudy, but I know and I love you too.’ He hugged her very tightly and this was the most moving scene I had ever watched between humans.

‘Oh, and your mum is coming down. I’m sorry but we need her here, as I can’t take too much time off work. I wish I could.’

‘No, Matt, we both agreed about coming to live here for your promotion. You don’t need to feel guilty about that. And having Mum here, well, that’ll be such a relief.’ They sat in silence for a few minutes. I lay down on the floor, suddenly feeling fatigued by the day’s events; it had been so emotional. ‘It was like a big black hole inside me, that’s what it felt like. I wanted to take Henry somewhere and leave him. Just run away and be back to my old self. I love him, I know I do deep down, but I can’t feel it. I can’t feel the joy that mums talk about. It’s horrible, Matt, so horrible.’ She wept and he held her.

‘I can’t imagine what it must feel like, but I will support you whatever happens. But you need to talk to me. No matter how bad you feel, you have to tell me about it. I’m not going to leave you; I love you and I love our family. There is nothing you can do to change that.’

‘You don’t know how amazing it is for me to hear that. I wish I’d been a bit more honest with you. When I felt as if I was getting ill, not long after Henry’s birth, and even before we came here, I felt that I needed to hide it at all costs. But it nearly cost too much.’

‘Polly, I think you’re amazing and brave and I know we’ll get through this. It might take time but it doesn’t matter. We can do it.’