Рейчел Уэллс - Alfie The Doorstep Cat

‘No, you can’t. I can’t bear it. If Matt sees me like this, he’ll never forgive me. I won’t give you his number.’ She started wailing again. Franceska nipped into Polly’s flat and came back with Henry’s milk and some bottles. She picked up the bag that Polly always kept by the front door and took Henry back to her flat. But she looked terrified, as if she didn’t know what to do.

She phoned Thomasz while preparing Henry’s milk, but they spoke in Polish so I didn’t know what they were saying. Franceska sounded a little bit hysterical and I had never seen her look so anxious as she fed Henry, and tried to settle her two boys, who seemed to sense that something was wrong. I tried to play with Aleksy to distract him, but it was as if he was too worried to have fun.

A little while later, Thomasz arrived.

‘You must take her to doctor,’ he instructed, after she told him a bit more about Polly. ‘Now, it is emergency. I can stay here with boys. Is OK.’ He put his arms around her and gave her a reassuring hug.

‘What about work?’

‘We were quiet today, so it’s fine.’

‘I am glad your boss is also friend.’

‘He is fine. He understand that I work hard and that I wouldn’t leave if I didn’t have to.’

‘I hope so.’ Franceska issued instructions on what to do with the boys and Henry, who had fallen asleep and was cushioned on the sofa.

‘After the doctor, we call Matt.’

‘She begged me not to.’

‘But she needs him, she just isn’t right with her head. I think when we call him she will be pleased eventually.’

‘You have his number?’

‘Yes. Take her to doctor, and then when you come back we call him.’

I went with Franceska to Polly’s flat, where she opened the door. Polly hadn’t moved from the spot on the floor where she had collapsed earlier.

‘Polly?’ Franceska said softly.

‘Is Henry all right?’ she asked, without looking up.

‘He is very good. He is fed and sleeping. You, I take you to the doctor.’

‘I can’t go anywhere.’

‘We have to. You have baby who needs you but you are sick, and until we go to doctor then you won’t be fixed.’ Franceska sat down on the floor next to Polly and I sat next to her.

‘You think I’m ill?’ She looked at Franceska with her sad, beautiful eyes.

‘I think you have baby sadness. It is very common and I think that you have it.’ Polly looked up then at Franceska.

‘I can get help?’

‘Yes, you see doctor. He help you and then you get better and you enjoy your baby.’

‘Have you had this?’

‘For a while, with Aleksy. He was younger than Henry and I thought I didn’t love him but it was just the depression. I took the pills and I love him more than I ever thought I could.’

‘But Henry cries all the time. Sometimes I think the sound of him crying is going to make my brain bleed. And then I think I might die and sometimes, I even think that is a good thing.’

‘OK, but Henry cry, babies cry. If you are happier then he will be happier.’

‘I think he’d be better off with a mummy who deserves him.’ More tears sprang forth.

‘Polly, you are his mummy and you love him. You might not feel it now, but you do, and he loves you. With me I am the same. My mamma, she see something in me and she make me go to doctor like I am with you.’

‘My mum said something at the weekend. She said I wasn’t myself and she was worried. She thought that it was the move and Matt’s new job that had taken its toll on me. But I couldn’t tell her, I couldn’t say that I didn’t love my baby. What kind of monster does that make me?’

‘An ill person, not a monster. I know you love him, you do, you just can’t feel it because of the depression. Honestly, I understand. I felt similar when I got help. Lots of women do.’ Franceska put her arm around Polly, who sank into her.

‘Thank you so much. Do you know how much better that makes me feel, knowing I am not alone? But Matt—’

‘He will understand. He good man. But first we go to the doctor and we get you some help.’

I watched as Franceska got Polly to her feet and then directed her to get her shoes and bag, and they left. She spoke to Polly as if she was a child and her voice was soothing. I felt better as I followed them out. Franceska locked Polly’s front door behind us but hers was still on the latch, so I could freely go back to her flat.

I played with Aleksy, who seemed a bit happier, as he got toys out for us.

‘Mamma,’ Thomasz the little boy kept saying, and his father would give him a hug and biscuits. He, like Franceska, was quite calm and relaxed. He kept an eye on Henry, he tried to read stories to Thomasz, who was more interested in the television. At one point he fed the boys and he also gave me some fish. I wanted to stay with them and wait to see if Polly was going to be all right.

We seemed to be waiting a very long time. Even Thomasz became agitated. Henry woke up and Thomasz had to change his nappy. Then little Thomasz went into his cot for a sleep. Aleksy asked his dad many questions, but in Polish, so I couldn’t really understand what was being said.

More time passed. Thomasz looked worried, but he went to prepare the special milk for Henry. He was coping with the three boys as if he’d always had them. He was largely calm, unruffled and very efficient. I hadn’t really seen fathers looking after their children in this way before; in the cat world we don’t really do ‘hands on fathering’. But Thomasz was even calmer than Franceska, if that was possible. However, I could see that underneath it all he was worried. We all were. I rubbed myself against his leg for reassurance, which I felt he needed as much as the others.

It occurred to me that I had seen them all in bad places; some worse than others. Franceska’s homesickness, Claire’s heartbreak, Jonathan’s loneliness and Polly’s struggles with Henry and her new home.The phone rang, interrupting my thoughts, and Thomasz snatched it up. He spoke for a few moments in Polish. When he hung up, he looked serious, as he dialled another number.

‘Matt, it’s Thomasz from next door.’ There was a pause. ‘Henry is fine, he is with me, but Polly is not good. Franceska took her to the doctor.’ Another pause. ‘No, she come home now but she needs rest and someone needs to help with Henry.’ He looked agitated as Matt was clearly speaking. ‘Can you come now? I will explain but it is hard. But all will be OK.’

Matt arrived fairly quickly. He immediately picked up Henry, but he looked terrible; worried and pale.

‘I don’t know how to thank you,’ he said, as Thomasz went to make them tea.

‘Is nothing. Is what friends do. But Matt, is serious with Polly. My wife found her today, well, no, Alfie found her, and she was having some breakdown, Franceska said. So we look after Henry and they go to see the doctor. It has been a long time but they come back now.’

‘I’m so ashamed, I did this to her. Making her move when Henry was so young. I thought I was doing the right thing.’ He had tears in his eyes.

‘I know, because we did it too. My boys are a bit older but then the upheaval for them too is big. Matt, this isn’t a fault. It is an illness and it happens. Franceska had something similar after Aleksy was born and it was very worrying. But she got some help and now she loves being their mamma and is happy.’

Matt had his head in his hands.

‘I should have seen it coming. After that week at home she seemed so much better, and since she met Franceska she’s been happier, so I just put it down to the move. And yesterday … we all had such fun, so how could I miss it? What do I do? My job is crazy and we need it, we need the money.’ He looked as if he was going to cry.