Laura Bennett - Didn’t I Feed You Yesterday?

I am thankful for Adderall, Ritalin, Focalin, et cetera, because a medicated child is a happy child. Likewise, I am thankful for Nicorette gum, Dunkin’ Donuts coffee, and Tanqueray martinis straight up with olives, because a medicated parent is a happy parent.

I am thankful for my personal technology, whose artificial intelligence surpasses my own. Spell-check: you are brilliant, and if not for you this book would read as if Larson had written it. To iPod shuffle: playing “Stairway to Heaven” and “Highway to Hell” back to back was a stroke of genius. If there is a god, you are probably it.

I am thankful for my long-wear lipstick and my power panties. You keep my lips and ass in place, respectively, and save me valuable time in front of mirrors. And my beloved Birkin bag, not only do you faithfully carry around all the crap required to get me through my day, but you offer me a sense of security: if I ever decide to split this scene, I can stop by that high-end resale shop on Eighteenth Street on my way out of town and raise enough cash on you and your little sister to live for six months. Throw in Judith Leiber and I get a whole year!

I am thankful for my girls, Alicia and Nicole. Your hard work and dedication keep me from becoming a homicidal bitch. And Zoila, my husband’s true wife: other women in his life have come and gone, but for thirty years, you have been there for him, and you’ve never once washed his cell phone. Sorry again, Peter. I am equally thankful for Blake, our manny, because only a gay man would have found the show tunes channel on XM and served it with breakfast.

I am thankful for my family. For Peter, who never complains about the price of my Manolos, though his accountant hates the fact that I charge them to his business American Express and has repeatedly asked me to stop. Peter has never asked me to stop, and until I get the word from the big guy, I’m taking that as a “You just go ahead, honey.” I am thankful for my hilarious kids, who are a constant source of good writing material. Believe me, I couldn’t make this stuff up. I am thankful that my daughter attends a state college—wow, what a tuition break. I am thankful that my father taught me to shoot, and my mother taught me to sew, because being a size 6 on the top and size 8 on the bottom makes it impossible to buy a dress off the rack.

And finally, I am thankful that my in-laws are dead, because I can serve Thanksgiving dinner out of a box and straight onto paper plates without feeling like a failure.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I HAVE MORE THANKS TO GIVE.

First and foremost I want to give a special shout-out to the brilliant Amy Scheibe. Her contributions as editor and co-writer were invaluable. I would never have been able to structure this book without her hilarious moments, unending patience, phenomenal organizational skills, and lattes. She truly helped me sew a pile of mismatched patches into a cohesive, well-constructed garment.

I would also like to thank Benjamin Dreyer for dreaming up the entire scheme and lining up the players. Susan Mercandetti, I know it’s cheesy to claim that a writer has become friends with her editor, but in this case it is true, at least until I try to sell her another book. Ben Steinberg, for stepping in when I was in full panic mode and talking me down off the ledge. Robert Best for the illustrations, because every girl wants to look like Barbie.

LAURA BENNETTwowed viewers of Project Runway’s season 3 with her jaw-dropping outspokenness and sophisticated designs. She has a large and growing fan base thanks to Project Runway , MSN’s “Glam Squad” StyleStudio, and QVC, which sells her designs. Bennett writes the Case Clothed comic strip for iVillage and a column for The Daily Beast. She lives in Manhattan.

www.didntifeedyouyesterday.com

This is a work of nonfiction. Some names and personal characteristics of individuals have been changed. Any resulting resemblance to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental and unintentional.

Copyright ©2010 by Laura Bennett

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Ballantine Books, an imprint of The Random House Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.

BALLANTINE BOOKS and colophon are trademarks of Random House, Inc.

eISBN: 978-0-345-51937-5

www.ballantinebooks.com

v3.0