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That tour was our first experience with Doug Goldstein, too, the new tour manager that Alan appointed to look after us. I remember we got in late at night—a full day after Faster Pussycat—and the next morning I got up and went to Doug’s room to collect our per diems before we set out sightseeing. All across Germany, and especially in Hamburg, there are outrageously graphic porno shops, usually in a very-easy-to-find, central location, and that is where we went. I was excited to no end—I’d never seen anything so obscene in my life. I was like a kid in a candy store, pulling these insane graphic magazines off the shelf—beastiality, pregnant women, just the most depraved things imaginable—holding them up for the other guys like, “Have you fucking seen this?”

We were staying in the same hotel as Faster Pussycat and we ran into them in the lobby and said hello before we took off that day. We were civil, I’ll say that, but not what I’d call friendly. Regardless, once we let them know that we were going to head out to see the city, Mark Michals, Pussycat’s drummer, insisted on coming along with us.

His band looked a little bit nervous. “No, no, stay here with us,” one of them said.

“No, that’s cool, I’m going to go,” Mark said.

“Really, you should really stay, we’re going to go out later,” another one said.

“Yeah, it’s cool, I’m going with these guys,” he said.

We did nothing to encourage him, let alone invite him. I even remember one of us blurting out, “No, stay with them,” but there he was tagging along with Izzy, Steve, Duff, and me for the day. Our first stop was lunch at Euro McDonald’s. I had become a huge McRib fan during the recording of Appetite, so that was the height of cuisine to me. I was happy to see the McRib on the menu in Hamburg, and to the naked eye, it looked like the real deal, but it wasn’t: instead of barbecue, it had some kind of anonymous brown sauce on it. There went my one meal for the day. The reason why we were so emaciated back then was that we never really ate anything.

In any case, we wandered around all afternoon, and when it got to be evening, we headed to the Reeperbahn, which is a street that is five straight blocks of brothels where no women are allowed—just like Amsterdam’s red-light district, every type of girl you can imagine is available. We were in heaven: we’d never seen anything like it and at the time we didn’t have friends in bands who had been around more than we had, so no crew of seasoned guys had told us anything about this place. I was tripping out. I think in the first fifteen minutes Steven blew his entire per diem on hookers. We were walking along when he suddenly disappeared into this subterranean garage, where there were all manner of prostitutes just hung out against columns under colored industrial-strength fluorescent lights.

It was getting later and this guy Mark was still trailing us. We left the Reeperbahn and went to some bar that was one of the places the Beatles played when they were starting out. Once again, we walked in there and we were the scourge of the earth, but we didn’t care; we drank Jack with one cube of ice per drink (because that’s all that they would put in the glass) until they closed. We walked back to the hotel and this guy was still with us—at that point we’d stopped talking to him altogether. It had been a long day, so I went to pass out in my bed while Mark did the same in the other bed—which was Duff’s. Now Izzy was always the Great Instigator: he could stir things up without getting involved, so he didn’t let this opportunity slide.

“Hey, Duff,” he said. “That guy is sleeping in your bed.”

“Yeah, he is, isn’t he,” Duff said.

“You gonna let him do that to you, man?” Izzy said. “Fuck that! He can’t do that to you.”

“No way! Fuck no, man!” Duff said.

“Who the fuck is that guy anyway, man?” Izzy said.

“Yeah, who the fuck does he think he is?” Duff said, now getting pretty heated. “Fuck that guy!”

They tried to wake him up pretty roughly, but Mark was out cold.

“I know what we should do, man,” Izzy said. “Let’s tape him up and put him down the elevator shaft.”

“ Fuck yeah!” Duff said.

“We’ll put him down the elevator shaft. He can sleep on top of the elevator.”

They taped this guy up pretty good: his arms, his hands, his ankles, and his mouth were all totally bound. He was a medium-size guy, about 140 pounds, so they carried him off and got him to the elevator, and that’s when he woke up and started squealing like a stuck pig. They quickly abandoned the original plan and just threw him in the elevator and sent it down to the lobby. The hotel staff dealt with him from there. They got the tape off, and once he told them who he was, they went through the chain of command until they got in touch with his band, who had to come retrieve him because he had no room key, no ID, no money, no nothing. That was the last night I spoke to him; I just nodded at him for the rest of the tour. Come to think of it, that was the last we heard from any of them.

The next night we did the gig, the first one of our headlining tour, and it’s good that it didn’t set a precedent. The venue was on the water; it was this really industrial, dark room with benches and long tables on the sides. Everything in there was painted black—it was the blackest club I’ve ever seen and it just reeked of stale beer. On the walls were signatures and graffiti from every single heavy metal and thrash band who had been through there, which appeared to be many.

The audience was without a doubt the most lackluster crowd we had ever played to in our lives: as I recall, they were as cold and miserable as the weather. I remember that before we went on and the second we got off, the club played nothing but Metallica, nonstop. It was obvious that any American band, or any band at all, that didn’t sound like Metallica wasn’t going to go over. And I was right. We got through the show and the only thought going around in my mind when we finished was I would fucking hate to have to do this again tomorrow .

I was extremely apprehensive about how the rest of the tour was going to go—particularly since we had more than a few dates to do in Germany. We had a few days to go before the next gig, during which time my worry escalated. But once we got to Düsseldorf, an airier city with more trees and fewer bomb shelters, it was such a drastically different scene that I realized just how big and how diverse a country Germany is: the individual vibe of each city is unique.

AS WE MADE OUR WAY ACROSS EUROPE, the band started to get really tight; our spontaneous interaction was becoming really pro and playing was getting fun. We did most of the driving on our European tour in a sightseeing bus that we’d converted into a communal crash pad by removing most of the seats and filling the floor with cushions. Izzy had picked up a German girlfriend along the way and she brought a friend along that I started hooking up with. I always liked to find a girlfriend in each territory that we’d travel through; and since I already had my English girl, Sally, waiting for me, I had to end my German romance abruptly once the tour crossed the Channel. I told my German girl, literally the moment before I entered the room where Sally was waiting for me, that she had to go home immediately.

When I think of Europe, aside from the gigs, I remember spending most of my days off in and out of a variety of VD clinics. Back in L.A., I was dating a porno chick as well as this sweet little junkie jailbait girlfriend I had. Right after we’d shot the video for “Welcome to the Jungle,” I remember waking up and discovering these three weird little red marks on the left side of my stomach. At the time, AIDS had really kicked in and become a national health issue. It started a strange hysteria among rock musicians; everyone was alarmed but most of us still felt immune to the whole thing. We figured that no one needed to worry about it until David Lee Roth got it.