Sam Paul - Why I Committed Suicide

“Running a chain” is what they call it when you catch the prison bus to go to the various farms. They cut the phones off early and announce the people getting shipped out later that night. The phones go off so that no-one will try to arrange sort of an elaborate Hollywood sabotage that frees the prisoners from the buses on their way down South. When you get to prison is actually when you get those “prisoners rights” that people out in the real world get so bent out of shape over. For instance, they still serve the Vitapro stuff that is used as a meat substitute here in County, the same protein stuff that is used to fatten cattle and sheep that are going to be slaughtered. After a riot or two down south that crap went out and semi-normal food was re-introduced. Down South a person can get magazine subscriptions and order books or other amenities that the everyday schmoe on the street takes for granted and doesn’t use, but people still don’t feel like prisoners deserve to utilize them. People are really fucking stupid if they think that keeping people from reading books in jail or eating food with nutrients could possibly be morally sound. If I’ve learned one thing in here it’s that one day, with the exception of maybe 1% of the people at the most, everyone is going to get out. If you are in your retirement years and you are old, frail, rightfully scared and vote republi-fuckin-can then of course you support mandatory minimum sentencing and cruel punishment because you are going to be dead and buried long before the chaff of society is released. Anyone that thinks in the short term like that would want those sorts of things. If everything becomes a label such as black and white, cops and robbers, get the bad guys and all that other bullshit, then prison makes sense. It’s a great short-term viable solution that is easy to ingest and gives great statistics for opinion polls. What gets to me is the younger people that think a system like this will ever work over a long period of time. My peers, before all this mess, agreed that the social security system would crumble under its own weight a long time before we ever see the same benefits it provides to our elders. It’s best to think of the current jail system in the same way.

Let’s ponder a moment and think about the definite. ONE DAY THE MAJORITY OF THESE PEOPLE WILL GET OUT OF JAIL. Why is it so easy to accept that one day the people we put away will come out totally unsuper-vised and unable to handle the changes society has been gradually going through while this person, this human being, has been stewing and becoming an instinc-tually surviving creature. This creature is no longer a man by society’s standards. We think we want our creatures manageably stupid and uneducated because we take away the books, education and reintegration programs. We establish conditions that allow this creature who is becoming stronger, meaner and more disgruntled to eventually re-enter society. The beast was sentenced to be punished, so we took away its rights in the name of punishment sent the filth into a concrete jungle where being the strongest and meanest are the only dominating traits worth developing. The creature is given handlers, which dictate when IT may eat or interact with others. The creature is continually at war with others of ITS own species so IT learns to fight, or to kill, or at the least the value of strength over knowledge. And then one day the gates that keep the foul stench of the dregs inside ITS properly sealed barrier suddenly swing open and the creature is told that IT is no longer an IT but a man and sent on ITS way to the proverbial happy ending. Except the happy sunshiny people that now call IT a man expect all to be forgiven and the years of instincts that kept IT alive to be abandoned instantly. A “yes massa, ise be good now, I learnt mah lesson” mentality to be firmly implanted into ITS thick dense skull. Except our creature has been tattooed with a mark on its forehead that informs anyone who might mistakenly take IT in and offer IT work or shelter, that IT may look like a man but inside, IT is still an IT. The creature is introduced to the things it missed out on—the sensory untouchable pleasures of the flesh of society’s daughters and granddaughters (or sons and grandsons depending on ITS preferences now)—unable to comprehend why the men that walk and talk just like IT are blessed with these things. IT becomes confused, frustrated, jealous and lost like a freakish Frankenstein monster that eventually fucks up so that the townsfolk have to chase IT to ITS cage or burn IT alive.

Okay, so I’m going on a melodramatic rant here right? Then let me back pedal and reduce this to its simplest form. History supports that segregation doesn’t work, so we’ll have to establish that rule as a given. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, or you would have them do unto your surviving family.

It is really that easy.

I’m learning to savor the books that I read in here because it is so infrequent that I am blessed with a good one. I used to read about a book a day and read them as if I was trying to finish them in order to complete an assignment or something. As the supply dwindles I am forced to read more slowly. My comprehension level remains the same although it was already close to perfect. I liken the trend to a connoisseur of fine wine. I spend more on one bottle and savor it slowly instead of drinking tubs of Boone’s Farm. The only thing is, in here, I am drinking Boone’s Farm and savoring it as a bottle of fine Scotch. I always establish myself as the library person. Once a week or month or whenever, someone goes to get books off the library cart. You can trade whatever books you have into the library one for one. I always hide more magazines and extra books in my socks and pants though. Some people are able to smuggle drugs into jail with them or cigarettes into the court holding tanks. I have to smuggle extra books. Pretty fucked up.

If you get up early enough in the morning you can watch this little closed circuit TV show that they run on the television that is supposedly put on by the inmates. There is a black guy and white guy sitting in a room with about 20 records, musical discards from some guard’s Goodwill pile no doubt. They play these records and just sit there looking into the camera while the music plays. I suppose there is someone working the camera because he pans around the room sometimes to let everyone know there is nothing of interest in their booth and sometimes the camera just tilts slowly up to the ceiling and stays there for a few minutes. I asked around about these guys at first trying to glean how they got such a tasty trustee job but nobody knew, then one day I realized that they must have only taped about five of these shows because they repeat every week or so and it’s the same damn recording. I guess that’s not a bad thing since even I didn’t notice that the shows were repeating until about six weeks into the series. I have a lot of time on my hands to ponder these sorts of things too.

Another thing that is odd is that in order to have a hot cup of water for coffee, or to simply heat a cup of water for sterilization purposes after getting it from the sink at the top of the toilet, you have to buy or use these things they call stingers. Stingers are such crude devices; I would never even have thought they existed in this modern world. Basically it consists of a plug that goes into the one live socket in the dayroom of our tank, and the other end is a metal loop that gets really fucking hot. I’m not a rocket scientist but I think the concept of channeling raw electricity into a cup of water is inherently a dangerous proposition. Plus if you leave these “stingers” plugged in without the metal part being in water the end of it gets glowing red-hot and will explode into molten chunks of metallic pain. These explosive properties are known to happen even while in the cup of water on occasion, which can destroy the only assigned cup that they issue each person upon containment.