Sam Paul - Why I Committed Suicide

Everything has turned out okay though, she was moved by the depths of my emotion and held me to her chest, kissing me so softly and promising never to do it again while her salty tears rained gently into my hair. My body was trembling, so scared of losing her again in a different way, by my own hand. When I stopped shaking in her arms we sealed our recommitment to each other by letting the tenderness become needful lovemaking. So I’m joyous and happy today and I can only hope this is finally behind us now.

We are visiting the mountain state of Colorado in all its glory. I’m anticipating a week of hiking and laziness amongst the majesty of the Rocky Mountains. I’ve wanted to use the word majesty to describe the mountains since having the lyric “purple mountains majesty” permanently imbued in my brain as a youngster. I’m so excited to show Jenifer the cabin and the wonders it holds that inspired my enthusiasm for Colorado. I already called James months ago and his exact words were “you are more than welcome to use it for as long as you want, you can stay inside and fuck all day if you like.” He swears that his parents don’t mind and even though his older brother Dirk is supposed to be there with his wife Natalya we can do whatever we want because he made plans for us to be there long before them. Basically all we’ve planned is a little hiking and camping around the continental divide. I’m really just excited to be on the road again.

James’s brother Dirk is one of my childhood heroes even though I doubt he knows the extent of his inspiration to me and James while we were growing up. He’s always represented the free spirit of the Patterson family to us even though he’s settled down in recent years, proving even a rogue can make good. I doubt he’s ever even had a clue about the number of creative childhood inspirations his left-behind belongings had for us. He’s the liberal-minded distant brother to the both of us, who’s always seemed to tolerate our youthful eagerness for tales of his adventures.

We left this morning in no particular hurry with a little pot, some good tunes and a few crushed dilaudids to snort on the way. Jen and I get along famously and I still believe our infatuation with each other is growing. To see her spirit soar with release after months of tedium is exciting for me to watch. We even stopped the car at a rest area early on to have a quickie that was cheap, tawdry and wonderful. It started snowing.

Unfortunately, I am writing this while RedOne is broken down on a mountain road about 40 miles from the cabin in Lake City. I’m not worried though because we’re almost there and a quick call to Dirk should get some help on the way soon. As soon as we can find a phone of course…

Jesus said to him, “Truly I tell you, this very night, before the cock crows, you will deny me three times.” Peter said to him, “Even though I must die with you, I will not deny you.” And so said all the disciples.—Matthew 26:34-35

Something strange is going on up here in Colorado. We’ve met lots of eccentric small town mountain people who have been super friendly, but Dirk and Natalya are acting super pompous, which is very disconcerting. I feel betrayed by them, mostly because they’ve finally offended Jen’s easy going nature, which really hurts me. Maybe I should begin where I left off the other day, just after the car broke down.

After we were stuck in the mountains, we hitched a ride back to the nearest town, which is called Creede. You can still hitchhike up here in Colorado because there is a minimum of psychos I guess, and because we had no other choice, it was the best way to go. When we found a phone I immediately called the cabin, told Dirk we were stranded and in trouble and asked if he could come pick us up since we were headed to the cabin where he was at anyway. It was only a few hours away, it was already freezing and we needed help. He knew we had no place else to go and even over the phone I could tell he felt like I was imposing on him by asking for help which struck me as odd because his family always taught me to bend over backwards to help people when they are in trouble. He finally said to give him about 4-5 hours to get his stuff together and then he would come pick us up. 4-5 hours!? What the hell, I’m practically family right!? I gave him the benefit of the doubt though, thinking maybe he was presently engaged in an important activity that demanded his immediate attention, even if we really needed emergency assistance. Turns out I was wrong.

Jenifer and I ended up meeting the Sheriff for the area who had passed our car on the road and since we were the only unfamiliar faces in his town, he correctly assumed it was ours. I normally hate all cops, but he was the nicest old fella I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet. He was cooler than cool, sort of like the Marlboro man. The Sheriff arranged to get our car towed and introduced us to the only mechanic in town, a shade-tree grease monkey who was really busy, but the Sheriff used a personal favor to vouch for us and get our car into the shop right away. The mechanic was a little rough around the edges but after we told him were in college he warmed up to us and started asking me all kinds of questions about college football, which I know absolutely nothing about, but I tried to wax hip to what he was saying. Even though it was Jenifer’s car, he kept talking to me about the Cornhuskers and cars. It made me damn proud to be in America where theonly requirement for acceptance is a little football knowledge, an American car and a woman on your arm to confirm your heterosexuality.

Turns out RedOne’s timing belt was the problem which meant we had about five days to wait before the mechanic could get parts shipped in and do the labor. No problem I thought, we have an emergency credit card to pay for the car and we can stay at the family cabin until our car is repaired, maybe do some local day-hikes instead. The Sheriff was a super guy; he loaded our gear from the car into his SUV and then gave us a lift out to Lake City after Dirk didn’t show up. I was nervous because I had put our tiny bit of leftover marijuana in my backpack, which then went into the back of his Wagoneer and I thought maybe his supernatural cop instinct might pick up on it. But we drove through the winding mountain roads and spectacular scenery without incident. Jenifer sat up front with the Marlboro cop who showed her all his police gear and they chain-smoked cigarettes together.

I hope we scared the shit out of Dirk and Natalya when the Sheriff showed up at their door; they certainly seemed surprised to see us despite knowing we were going to show up eventually, regardless of their blowing us off. Maybe they were hoping that if they ignored us our final destination might somehow change. I thought it was pretty rude and low class considering we had asked for permission to use the cabin before they had even made plans to show up there, but I let it go. We ate an uncomfortable dinner with them, took showers, got clean, then pirated one of the four bedrooms and crashed out.

Waking up in the morning at the cabin retreat of my youth with the girl of my dreams, despite our separate twin beds (ala 50’s television) was a satisfying feeling. We walked around and I showed her the familiar scenery and the intimacies of the cabin hideaway including the rainbow prisms that fascinated me as a kid and the high-powered telescope by the back porch used for late night stargazing. The hummingbirds were out in force, buzzing to and fro among the feeders James’s mom meticulously attends to. I showed Jenifer the now defunct pond where James fell through the ice when we were goofing around one winter. James caught a lot of fallout as a child from our misguided schemes. I showed Jen all the fly fishing gear Mr. Patterson taught me how to fish with, the BB guns I used to shoot cans off the porch and the ping pong table in the garage. We mostly just sat in the sunshine under the huge windows in the living room, reading our books and resting after our hard day yesterday. Dirk and Natalya kept trying to get us drunk with them but we weren’t all that interested in imbibing. We were just enjoying the peacefulness of being where we were, respectfully taking in the environment. I can’t help but wonder now that if maybe we had been more outgoing or alcoholic with them we might have gotten to stay in the comfort of the cabin longer. Jenifer and I just wanted to be with each other and let Dirk and Natalya do their own thing since we didn’t want to intrude on whatever they had planned and we only needed to wait for RedOne to get fixed so we could go camping at some overnight spots like we had planned.