Sam Paul - Why I Committed Suicide

When Jenifer finally crawls into bed with me in the early hours of the morning I’m usually awake but I never say a fucking word. I’m thrilled to finally feel her chilly caresses and I’ll wrap my arms around her cold body, just happy to have her safely back with me. Sometimes we have a sort of tender, guilty sex during these mornings, sex that my brain tells me not to accept but I always want her so much that it’s impossible. I end up pinning her to the bed with my pent up anxiety and punishing her gently. It’s probably not the most psychologically healthy thing for us to do but I love her, I need to forgive her and I guess by now she always knows I want her. Something’s going to happen soon but I don’t envision us being apart so I’m curious to see what it is.

Hey, guess what! Andy’s moving out from the garage apartment behind our house this summer and it looks like Jenifer is moving in. She’s pretty excited about having her own place again and it’s nice to see a return of the confident independence that makes her face shine but it’s not like she didn’t have the run of the house when she stayed over with us anyway. Oh well, my single bed isn’t going to be much competition against her air conditioned queen size, complete with familiar soft sheets and her Snoopy doll. I’ll miss the mandatory closeness of my bed and I’m sad to have her go, even if it’s just to live in my backyard. I always got a thrill knowing such a beautiful woman would choose to live with me and now I know I’ll mostly be staying with her. Activate the emergency insecurity pods Captain! I suppose since I’m the only one who gets to play with her pet rat Rico, she must feel something for me.

My Dad and I are driving to Minnesota together for some obscure relative’s wedding that I don’t really know, so I’m already off to a weird start with my summer break. My first response when my parents asked if I wanted to make the hel-lacious drive was “no way!” but since my mother is paranoid about my dad falling asleep at the wheel, I finally agreed to go. In all the years we’ve been making this 20 hour, 1000 mile trek into the great White North, I’ve yet to see my Dad even relax enough to take a nap. I guess as nervous as he is with me driving I’ll keep him semi-alert just by being there.

I’m both excited and apprehensive about this trip. I’m apprehensive about leaving Jenifer behind because I’ll really miss her and I know that she and David will likely be doing a lot of coke and I really don’t want to come home to a dead girlfriend. The other night I had to keep going to the dopeman for them since David’s usual connection got busted and the only guy in town with cocaine was one of my good friends from the Lodge. I felt totally pathetic because I was trying to make them feel guilty for asking me to go get them more drugs, but the kind of subtle guilt I specialize in doesn’t work when someone is fiending. I’ve noticed they’ll pretty much say or promise anything to get their immediate needs met. They kept only wanting a little bit at a time, thinking each time would be the last time, pissing their money away little by little and I had to keep going over and listen to this crazy guy’s ranting and ramblings while he played me shitty death metal songs that he had made up. He thought I was doing all the coke I was buying from him (friend discount) and so he thought I was as juiced up as he was, but it all seemed pretty fucking stupid to me. Anyway, I’m hesitant to leave Jenifer behind but I’m glad to escape and not have to roll play as their fucking babysitters for a while. Plus, it’s not like Jenifer would ever cheat on me with David so at least I can have peace of mind in that respect.

I should get to see my older stepbrothers, Adam and Michael, which is cool. Michael just got married to a cool girl named Leann and I’ve always respected him a little because my mother threw him out of the house when I was just a kid. Adam just graduated from film school and we correspond occasionally. He’s opened a coffee shop in Milwaukee so hopefully we’ll get to run out there and see the heart of America’s beer country. I’m sure most of my time will be spent chilling out with my Grandparents at their trailer park so I brought a little pot even though it sucks that I won’t get much of a chance to smoke it on the long drive with my dad and all.

Actually, trailer park is really not the right word to use for the place where my Grandparents park their RV in the summer time. It’s more of a mini-resort for all the “snowbirds” that flock back North when the climate is more hospitable. There’s a golf course and an awesome therapeutic heated swimming pool. I guesscold weather is a lot more of a pain in the ass to deal with when you’re old.

So anyway, I’m thinking I should get to swim and lie around and read trashy books for a while. They can’t quite figure out why I’m reading all the time but it’s always been one of my favorite things to do on vacation. I plan to get high and play a little golf in the mornings and then sit and read by the pool in the afternoon, which all adds up to a perfect vacation in my book.

Everything is pretty much going as I thought it would up here. I went to the obscure relative’s wedding and got as drunk as I could at the reception in the smoky VFW, so I managed to have a good time. I hung out with my brother Michael for a while at the wedding and made plans to visit him and his wife overnight in St. Paul, so that should be pretty cool. I also went to a fun flea market with one of my uncles the other day and all of his kids made fun of my skateboard (of course I brought it with me!) but I didn’t really care. I’ve been reading a John Grisham novel and riding around on my Grandparent’s moped looking for places to get high along the Mississippi. These are very lazy and relaxing days, just what I’ve needed to get my mind out of my own problems for a bit. There are a few pain-in-the-ass things to deal with, like all the millions of fucking mosquitoes everywhere and my Grandpa is up at 7 a.m. every day sweeping the driveway or some shit. I like him but sleeping past 9 a.m. is not much of an option while I’m staying at their place. My Grandma keeps me stuffed with home-cooked food all the time and it’s real food too, not that college budget TV dinner crap I’ve been subsisting on.

Dad and I did get to go to Milwaukee a couple days ago and visit Adam. His coffee shop is really cool and it kind of reminds me of the Karma Kafe except Adam’s place is more cluttered and has detailed artwork in surprisingly hidden places. I think the art makes it cooler. I went to use the restroom and even the doorknobs were intricately hand painted with bizarre frescos. Shit like that. We all went out and had beer and vegetarian pizza and spent the night in his rundown apartment. I say run-down in a good way though. There’s nothing like a road trip to make you appreciate the dirty gothic beauty of old architecture.

Adam and I forced dad to watch “Ren and Stimpy” videos, which he was surprisingly tolerant of. It’s weird to watch how people behave when they realize they’re completely out of their element. I found one of my letters and collages among Adam’s clutter of film stuff and that made me happy. I never know if anyone saves or even reads the junk I send their way. I learned long ago that I’m a pack rat but I also like to be clean. So instead of throwing out any stuff that’s kind of cool, I’ll just mail it along to someone else. That way the other person has the liberty of throwing it away or holding onto it for eternity and the pressure is off of me. Adam and I seem to live in the same type of environment. I asked him to write to me more often.