Amy Chua - Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

“Not when you were little,” Lulu said. “Mommy never gave us a choice when we were little. Unless it was, ‘Do you want to practice six hours or five?’”

“Choice. . I wonder if that’s what it all comes down to,” I mused. “Westerners believe in choice; the Chinese don’t. I used to make fun of Popo for giving Daddy a choice about violin lessons. Of course he chose not to. But now, Lulu, I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t forced you to audition for Juilliard or practice so many hours a day. Who knows? Maybe you’d still like violin. Or what if I’d let you choose your own instrument? Or no instrument? After all, Daddy turned out fine.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” said Lulu. “Of course I’m glad you forced me to play the violin.”

“Oh, right. Hello Dr. Jekyll! Where’s Mr. Hyde?”

“No — I mean it,” Lulu said. “I’m always going to love the violin. I’m even glad you made me drill exponents. And study Chinese for two hours every day.”

“Seriously?” I asked.

“Yeah,” nodded Lulu.

“Really!” I said. “Because come to think of it, I think those were great choices we made too, even though all those people worried that you and Sophia would be permanently damaged psychologically. And you know, the more I think about it, the madder I’m getting. All these Western parents with the same party line about what’s good for children and what’s not — I’m not sure they’re making choices at all. They just do what everyone else does. They’re not questioning anything either, which is what Westerners are supposed to be so good at doing. They just keep repeating things like ‘You have to give your children the freedom to pursue their passion ’ when it’s obvious that the ‘passion’ is just going to turn out to be Facebook for ten hours which is a total waste of time and eating all that disgusting junk food — I’m telling you this country is going to go straight downhill ! No wonder Western parents get thrown into nursing homes when they’re old! You guys better not put me in one of those. And I don’t want my plug pulled either.”

“Calm down, Mommy,” said Lulu.

“When their kids fail at something, instead of telling them to work harder, the first thing Western parents do is bring a lawsuit!”

“Who exactly are you talking about?” asked Sophia. “I don’t know any Western parents who have brought a lawsuit.”

“I refuse to buckle to politically correct Western social norms that are obviously stupid. And not even rooted historically. What are the origins of the Playdate anyway? Do you think our Founding Fathers had Sleepovers? I actually think America’s Founding Fathers had Chinese values.”

“I hate to break it to you, Mommy, but—”

“Ben Franklin said, ‘If thou loveth life, never ever EVER wasteth time.’ Thomas Jefferson said, ‘I’m a huge believer in luck, and the harder I work the more I have of it.’ And Alexander Hamilton said, ‘Don’t be a whiner.’ That’s a totally Chinese way of thinking.”

“Mommy, if the Founding Fathers thought that way, then it’s an American way of thinking,” said Sophia. “Besides, I think you may be misquoting.”

“Look it up,” I dared her.

My sister Katrin is doing better now. Life is definitely tough for her, and she’s not out of the woods yet, but she’s a hero and bears everything with grace, doing research around the clock, writing paper after paper, and spending as much time as she can with her kids.

I often wonder what the lesson of her illness is. Given that life is so short and so fragile, surely each of us should be trying to get the most out of every breath, every fleeting moment. But what does it mean to live life to its fullest?

We all have to die. But which way does that cut? In any case, I’ve just told Jed that I want to get another dog.

I have so many people to thank:

My mother and father — no one has believed in me more, and they have my deepest admiration and gratitude.

Sophia and Louisa, my greatest source of happiness, the pride and joy of my life.

My extraordinary sisters, Michelle, Katrin, and Cindy.

And most of all, my husband, Jed Rubenfeld, who for twenty-five years has read every word I’ve written. I am the unbelievably lucky beneficiary of his kindness and genius.

My brother-in-law Or Gozani and my nieces and nephews Amalia, Dimitri, Diana, Jake, and Ella.

The following dear friends, for insightful comments, passionate debates, and invaluable support: Alexis Contant and Jordan Smoller, Sylvia and Walter Austerer, Susan and Paul Fiedler, Marina Santilli, Anne Dailey, Jennifer Brown (for “humbled”!), Nancy Greenberg, Anne Tofflemire, Sarah Bilston and Daniel Markovits, and Kathleen Brown-Dorato and Alex Dorato. Thanks also to Elizabeth Alexander, Barbara Rosen, Roger Spottiswoode, Emily Bazelon, Linda Burt, and Annie Witt for their generous encouragement.

All those who helped instill the love of music in Sophia and Lulu, including Michelle Zingale, Carl Shugart, Fiona Murray, Jody Rowitsch, and Alexis Zingale of the Neighborhood Music School; the fabulous Richard Brooks of the Norwalk Youth Symphony; Annette Chang Barger, YingYing Ho,Yu-ting Huang, Nancy Jin, Kiwon Nahm, and Alexandra Newman; the exceptional Naoko Tanaka and Almita Vamos; and especially my good friend, the incomparable Wei-Yi Yang.

All of the wonderful teachers Sophia and Lulu were lucky enough to have at the Foote School (and I actually loved the Medieval Festival), especially Judy Cuthbertson and Cliff Sahlin.

On the tennis front: Alex Dorato, Christian Appleman, and Stacia Fonseca.

My students Jacqueline Esai, Ronan Farrow, Sue Guan, Stephanie Lee, Jim Ligtenberg, Justin Lo, Peter McElligott, Luke Norris, Amelia Rawls, Nabiha Syed, and Elina Tetelbaum.

Finally, my heartfelt thanks to the amazing Tina Bennett, the best agent imaginable, and to my editor and publisher, the brilliant, unsurpassed Ann Godoff.

The Chinese zodiac Tiger epigrams are from “Chinese Zodiac: Tiger,” http://pages.infinit.net/garrick/chinese/tiger.html (visited December 18, 2009), and “Chinese Zodiac: Tiger,” http://www.chinesezodiac.com/tiger.php (visited December 18, 2009).

The statistics I cite are from the following studies: Ruth K. Chao, “Chinese and European American Mothers’ Beliefs About the Role of Parenting in Children’s School Success,” Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology 27 (1996): 403-23; Paul E. Jose, Carol S. Huntsinger, Phillip R. Huntsinger, and Fong-Ruey Liaw, “Parental Values and Practices Relevant to Young Children’s Social Development in Taiwan and the United States,” Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology 31 (2000): 677–702; and Parminder Parmar, “Teacher or Playmate? Asian Immigrant and Euro-American Parents’ Participation in Their Young Children’s Daily Activities,” Social Behavior and Personality 36(2) (2008): 163-76.

The country music song I quote is “Wild One,” written by Jaime Kyle, Pat Bunch, and Will Rambeaux. My Chinese zodiac characteristics come from the following Web sites: “Monkey Facts,” http://www.chineseinkdesign.com/Chinese-Zodiac-Monkey. html (visited December 18, 2009); “The Pig/Boar Personality,” http://www.chinavoc.com/zodiac/pig/person.asp (visited December 18, 2009); and “Chinese Zodiac: Tiger,” http://pages.infinit.net/garrick/chinese/tiger.html (visited December 18, 2009).