Adam Carolla - Daddy, Stop Talking! - And Other Things My Kids Want but Won't Be Getting

I haven’t seen Evil Dead, so it’s not an issue with that specific movie. It is the fact that this dude is in his early forties. How are we so out of problems that forty-three-year-old educated men can be obsessed with the undead? I’ve long complained about adult males who are into this nerd fantasy bullshit, whether it’s zombies, comic books, Game of Thrones , whatever. When did it become okay for guys to start talking about how much they were anticipating the Silver Surfer movie, and how devastated they were when it didn’t live up to their expectations? We all have computers with porno and Wikipedia. You could become an expert on something in a weekend. Do it.

Foreskin Restoration Guy: Sorry for the cock talk, son, but if you end up as one of these assholes, I’ll know I did a shitty job as dad. Because that’s what this whole deal boils down to. If you complain about your foreskin, it is just another way of saying, “I hate you, Dad.” We did have you circumcised mostly for the hygiene aspect, otherwise you’d have to pull that banana peel back and do a little extra cleaning. Plus, I was hoping that you’d play a skill position on the football team, and every ounce of weight you can cut counts.

For some bizarre reason, out here in California there is a movement to ban circumcision. It should not be shocking to you that this movement is centered around ultra-liberal places like San Francisco and Santa Monica. And there are guys who go through various surgeries and attach weights and insert balloons to supposedly restore their foreskin. That’s a lot of calories burned just to freak out your next hooker. I know that uncut is natural, but it just looks weird. It’s like a Doberman with floppy ears. That’s how God created them, but they look fucked up.

These guys always make a big stink about supposedly being mutilated. I’m pretty sure we’ve been doing this for thousands of years. Heck, it’s a sacred rite in Jewish culture. Which is why they all become agents: They’re used to taking ten percent off the top. Half the world is cut and the other half is uncut, and it hasn’t made a shit bit of difference. So, Sonny, if you’re making a big deal about your now smaller penis, that means you’re just pissed at me about something else. You’ve picked a cause to pour that anger into. This is not an issue. This one we should file under “Who gives a fuck?” Don’t be one of those dicks who has to make it about their dick.

Formerly Fat Guy: I think you’ll have a good metabolism like your mom, Sonny, and this shouldn’t be an issue, but, just in case, if you do gain a bunch of weight, just stay that way until you have your massive coronary.

Tom Arnold came up on the podcast recently, and I saw a picture of his now skinny ass. I didn’t like it. We need to get the word out to all the formerly fat people that if they’re planning on getting skinny, we’re not into it. We know you as the fat guy first. No matter what your nationality is, what your job is, what your sexual proclivities are, fat trumps all. To us you’re just the fat Asian guy, or the fat guy in accounts payable, or the fat gay dude.

And, personally, I like fat guys, because they make me feel better about myself. When you get into it with a fat guy you always win. If a cop writes you a chicken-shit ticket, and you look in the rear-view mirror and see him waddle back to his cruiser, you can think, “I win, because you’re a lard ass and I’m not.” If a guy swipes the spot you were trying to park in at the Costco, and he gets out of the car and you see that he’s a wide load there to get a pallet of Chef Boyardee, you can think, “I win, Tubby, even though I’m here to buy Rogaine and wine.” Even if the guy is getting out of a Bentley in front of a salon in Beverly Hills and you’re in a Daihatsu Charade, you can still think, “I win,” as you watch him waddle in for his weekly pedicure in elastic waist pants.

What former fatties forget about, especially the guys, is that you don’t go from fat to skinny in our eyes, you go from fat to weird. We don’t understand you anymore. That was your identity. We were all thrown off for a year like when Jonah Hill lost all that weight. And don’t even get me started on what’s become of Al Sharpton. Al, get back in your velour tracksuit with the giant medallion and jog on over to Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles, we miss you.

Weird Handshake Guy: Sonny, one of the signs of being a real man is having a real handshake. A nice firm grip that says, “It was a pleasure doing business with you.” So don’t become one of those guys who has a limp handshake, for God’s sake.

We’ve all experienced this. We go for the shake and it’s like the Pope holding out his hand for you to kiss his ring. Are you afraid that you’re gonna have a big meeting with some Japanese businessmen later and want to save your grip?

There are lots of variants on the lame handshake. There’s the guy who grips the front of your hand and just milks your cuticles. Or the guy who has an odd style of handshake. I don’t mean the soul brother complicated eight-stage handshake. I’m talking about the guy who takes the traditional handshake but instead of going up and down he goes right to left, or who takes your hand and turns it ninety degrees so that it is flat, and then shakes. People won’t think, “It is nice doing business with you,” if you go in with a handshake like this. They will think, “Too bad he was bullied as a child,” instead.

Empty Ice-Cube Tray in the Freezer Guy: I know this seems a little specific, but it is time to focus on the tuned-out fuck at your office, or God forbid, your home, who is too ignorant of other people and so wrapped in their own thoughts that they can pull off a move like leaving an empty ice-cube tray in the freezer. I have encountered this in my own studio. One of the lackeys used up all the ice and couldn’t take the 8.34 seconds it takes to pour some water into the tray before putting it back in the freezer so that when the bossman wants to toss a couple cubes in his Coke, they’re ready. You know you took the last one, you can feel the weight difference as you slide the empty tray back in. This is like putting an empty toilet-paper tube back on the holder. These are the same assholes who don’t put the tin foil back on the tray of food at the staff lunch, so that the flies can shit on the roast beef. It’s not that they forget — it’s that they don’t give a crap.

Then there is the dick who leaves the microwave door open. The microwave at our studio is a constant issue for me. Not only do people leave the door open for the light bulb to burn some extra kilowatts for no fucking reason, they’ll leave time on there, too. If you take your shit out of the microwave early, just zero it out so that I don’t have to deal with it. I shit you not, I put a cup of coffee in the microwave and went to hit start and some asshole had left it at 3:31. What the fuck were you microwaving that you could take it out and still have over three minutes left, a buffalo? And why didn’t you zero it out? Enjoy that 3:31, whoever you are, because once I get to the bottom of this, that’s how long you have left under my employment.

Anti-Milk Guy: Speaking of food and drink, there is another jag-off that I hope my son never becomes. The anti-milk guy. It’s nearly 2020 and we’re still arguing about milk. We all know the idiots who say, “We’re the only animal that drinks another animal’s milk.” These are the same Whole Foods ass-Wholes who say, “People weren’t meant to eat meat.” Then why do I have incisors, numbnuts? Those fang teeth we all have evolved for the pure purpose of tearing at meat.