Adam Carolla - Daddy, Stop Talking! - And Other Things My Kids Want but Won't Be Getting

You Don’t Care What Market Price Is: Sadly, this little quirk is something I’ve not been able to work out of my downtrodden DNA. I’m too much of a Carolla to ever order anything that is listed as “Market Price” on a menu. I always assume the market they’re speaking of in this context is in a penthouse in Dubai. You know you’ve arrived when you have a hankering for king crab and just order it, not even curious what the market price is. Slightly related to this is the ultimate power move that my buddy Daniel, a guy who knows how to live the high life, has perfected. This involves the entrée special, one of the things your waiter lists before you order. Daniel will chime in with, “We’ll take that, but as an appetizer.” No Carolla, even yours truly, has ever uttered those words.

You Don’t Have Grocery Store Club Cards on Your Keychain: If you decide you need the grocery store savings club card on your keychain at all times so you won’t forget to save that eight cents on the store-brand Chex, you’re probably not on the Forbes list. There’s actually an equation with these things: the more of those cards you have on your keychain, the worse you’re doing. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t try to save a buck when you can. But please, just stick with the card that goes in your wallet. It’s the difference between having a herpes sore on your lip for all to see and the genital herpes hidden safely in your underpants. Nothing will dry up a lady’s vagina on a first date like seeing the CVS club card dangling from the keychain when you pick her up.

You Have a Magnet-Free Kitchen: It’s a good sign if you have no place to stick the kids’ drawings and coupons with magnets. That means everything in your kitchen is stainless steel and cost a couple of shekels.

It’s gotta be lean years for the magnet manufacturers of America, my second favorite MMA. Back in the day, everything was metal and would grip a magnet. There used to be magnets on every fridge in this country, and I once saw one reading “clean” on one side and “dirty” on the other that you would stick to the dishwasher. Even car dashboards back in the day were metal and could handle a magnetized notepad or compass. But I’m sitting in my kitchen as I write this, and there’s not a magnet for miles. Everything in my house is stainless steel or some sort of polymer.

I’m sorry, Sonny, I know this is a bummer. Once when you were around five-and-a-half, you explained to me that you were going to be rich like Daddy and were going to have a big house, too. When I asked you what you were going to do to get rich, you said you were going to sell “super cool magnets.” So I hope as you read this that I’m wrong and you are, in fact, a magnet magnate.

You’ve Never Taken a Travel Voucher: We’ve all heard the announcement before a flight takes off saying it’s overbooked, and anyone who is willing to give up their seat and fly the next day will get a voucher good toward their next flight. This happened to me recently when I was taking a trip to San Antonio. And three people got up and sprinted to the counter. I always want to talk to these losers. I don’t know if they’re doing this because they’re super poor or super laid back. What’s the thought process behind this move? “Well, Mom’s in San Antonio on life support, but I can get a fifty-dollar voucher towards my next flight if I just take a twenty-two-hour nap here at the Cinnabon… I’m in.”

When they do this on Southwest Airlines, it’s even worse because waiting for that flight is a collection of some of the cheapest fucks on the planet as it is. Throw in a voucher, and there’s a Black Friday — eqsue stampede to get to that counter. It’s a freebie feeding frenzy. It’s not like you’re going to get a BJ from a Victoria’s Secret model, Southwest flyers, you’re getting a voucher for Fuddruckers. Settle down.

On this particular day, this was the only flight to San Antonio. So this person giving up their seat would not be able to get there for at least twenty-four hours. I have never had travel plans that flexible. There’s a part of me that’s jealous, to be honest. I wish I could say, “Eh, I’ll go tomorrow. I’ll just head home and watch some Price is Right .” That’s how you know these people are losers: They have nowhere to be, and no one waiting for them.

You Have Places to Sit in Your Bedroom: Most bedrooms have a bed, a nightstand or two and a dresser. But when you’ve got furniture in your bedroom dedicated to just sitting, you’re in great shape. If there is a reading area with two high-back chairs and a crushed-velvet ottoman, you’re doing nicely. If there is a table in the mix, too, that means you’re having a lot of food brought to you by the help. You’re having breakfast and coffee while reading the Wall Street Journal . You’ve reached an enviable level of success. Having a place to sit in your bedroom means you’re doing well, whether it’s sipping some tea and reading or watching your wife get banged while filming cuckold porn.

You’ve Never Heard More Than One “Good for You” in a Row: Stick with me on this one. When someone says “good for you” to you more than once, it’s a bad sign. One “good for you” is real. The other person is genuinely happy for you. You’ve achieved some success. The second “good for you” really means “I don’t know if I would have done what you did.” So that means either that you did something heroic, or you did something stupid and the other person does not want to tell you. But three “good for yous” means you’re a pathetic piece of shit. That’s the stranger on the bus bench that doesn’t want to talk to you anymore and is just trying to get you to shut up. If that person throws in a bonus “there you go” before the “good for you,” it says even more. It means that you have turned into the guy rambling to a stranger about your job at the sewage plant. “Good for you. Good for you. There you go. Good for you” means the person you’re talking to wishes you’d walk away from them. “There you go” really means “You, go there!”

You Don’t Take Sick Days or Have Back Pain: The second I started doing what I wanted to do in life, my back pain went away. It wasn’t even about the work I used to do, though it was backbreaking. It was more that my old life was soul-breaking. When you’re proud of yourself and feeling good, you’ll walk tall and won’t have back pain.

And when you’re truly successful, you won’t take any sick days, either. There are a few reasons for this. First, truly successful people are irreplaceable. That’s why they get paid well. There’s only one Michael Jordan, so he gets paid a shitload, but there are a million people ready to step up and take that job at the rendering plant, so the guy working there gets paid shit. So take away the freedom to be sick, and give yourself a schedule and job where you can’t afford to be sick and, magically, you won’t. Your body and mind will stay healthy because you’re happy.

You Don’t Eat Personal Pizzas: I’ve seen a commercial, nay, multiple commercials for the personal pizza. These things have been around for a while, but it just occurred to me recently that the personal pizza is the saddest thing I’ve ever heard of. Eating pizza should be a communal experience. The guys are coming over to watch the game, you order up a couple of pepperonis and everyone digs in. That’s the point of pizza. This is not a food meant to be eaten alone while binge watching Dr. Who .