Дональд Уэстлейк - Philip

TREES!

Trees grow in dirt. Always. Every time.

And that means, where you find trees, you are absolutely certain to find dirt.

And where was there a tree?

Right in front of the apartment house!

True, it was an awfully little tree. It was such a small and skinny tree that it had to be held up with two poles. But there was dirt around it. Genuine, honest-to-Pete, real-life dirt.

There was dirt in a square the size of a piece of sidewalk. The tree was growing out of the dirt, and the poles holding the tree were stuck in the dirt, but there was still room for Philip’s truck.

Plenty of room.

Now, this was best of all. This was better than the window box, because Philip could make the truck turn around here. And it was better than the pot of sand because he could make the truck go straight ahead.

Philip began to move big truckloads of dirt.

And bigger truckloads of dirt.

And even bigger truckloads of dirt.

Oh, oh!

Philip looked up and tried to smile. “Hello, Mister Neep,” he said. “Is something wrong?”

“Not if what we want is a dead tree,” said Mister Neep. “If we want a dead tree, we’ll just ask you to dig it up for us. But if we want a live tree, then I’d say something’s wrong, yes.”

Philip looked at the tree. He had done a lot of digging on one side. There were roots showing now, and the tree seemed to be leaning just a little.

Philip said, “I guess I shouldn’t have done that.”

“I guess not,” said Mister Neep.

“I’ll put all the dirt back,” Philip promised.

“Oh, I’m sure of that,” said Mister Neep.

Philip started putting the dirt back where it belonged. He used his hands this time, not the new dump truck.

Mister Neep squatted down beside Philip. When he bent his knees, they made large cracking sounds, like a cap pistol when you pull the trigger and the cap doesn’t fire. Mister Neep said, “Philip, you keep getting into trouble today.”

“I know it,” said Philip.

“That isn’t like you,” said Mister Neep. “What’s wrong, Philip?”

“It’s my new truck,” said Philip. “This truck here. This is the present that came for me today.”

“I see,” said Mister Neep. “Well, it’s certainly a first-rate dump truck.”

“But there’s no dirt anywhere,” said Philip. “At least, none I can use.”

“I see,” said Mister Neep. “Well, let me think about it.” He stood up again, and his knees cracked some more, like popcorn popping. When he stood up, Mister Neep was taller than the tree. “You keep putting that dirt back,” he said.

“Yes, sir,” said Philip.

Philip watched Mister Neep go into the apartment house and start talking into the telephone just inside the door. He knew Mister Neep must be talking to his mother, telling her everything he’d been doing wrong.

When Mister Neep finished talking on the phone, he came back outside. He walked majestically along the sidewalk to the right until he came to the doorman standing under the canopy in front of the next apartment house. Mister Neep talked to this doorman. He pointed at Philip as though to warn the next-door doorman that Philip might come over any minute and start digging in his sandpot or killing his tree.

Then that doorman walked majestically along the sidewalk to the right until he came to the doorman after him, and they talked together. They both looked at Philip. Philip worked even faster at putting the dirt back at the bottom of the tree.

Then that next doorman walked majestically along the sidewalk to the right until he came to the doorman after him, and they talked, and then that doorman walked majestically along the sidewalk until he came to yet another doorman, and so on,

and so on,

and so on.

Philip didn’t think that was right. He knew he’d caused Mister Neep trouble today, but he didn’t think it was fair for Mister Neep to tell on him to all the other doormen.

Still, Philip didn’t say anything. He knew it was his own fault to begin with.

When he had all the dirt back where it belonged, he brushed his hands clean and picked up his truck. He started into the apartment house. Mister Neep said, “Where are you going, Philip?”

“Home,” said Philip.

“Wait a minute or two,” said Mister Neep.

Philip looked up at Mister Neep. Mister Neep’s face didn’t look like the sky just before a storm any more. In fact, Mister Neep’s face now looked very jolly. Philip said, “What’s going on, Mister Neep?”

Mister Neep said, “Take a look down the street.”

So Philip took a look down the street.

The first thing he saw was the doorman next door, smiling at him. And beyond him, the next doorman, also smiling at him. And the doorman after him, smiling, and the doorman after him, smiling, and so on, and so on, and so on, all the way down to the corner, where the new apartment house was being built.

The second thing Philip saw was a man with a wheelbarrow, coming this way, and he was smiling.

And the third thing he saw was a man carrying some boards, also coming this way, and he was smiling. At Philip.

The wheelbarrow man and the board man came up the block. They stopped under the canopy and said, “Well, here we are.” The wheelbarrow man said to Philip, “I understand you need some dirt.”

Philip gulped. He nodded. He said, “Yes, sir.”

“Well, here it is,” said the wheelbarrow man, nodding at his wheelbarrow.

It was perfectly true. The wheelbarrow was full to the brim with dirt.

Philip looked at Mister Neep, and Mister Neep said, “These gentlemen are from the construction crew down at the corner. I passed a message to them by the Doorman Message Service.”

Philip said, “But where am I going to put all that dirt?”

“I talked to your mother,” said Mister Neep, “and everything is all arranged. You just show these men the way to your apartment.”

Philip could hardly believe it was true. He showed the men the way to his apartment, up the elevator and along the hall. His mother opened the door and said, “Right this way.” She led the wheelbarrow man and the board man through the apartment and out onto the terrace. The wheelbarrow man put down his wheelbarrow and the board man put down his boards.

The two men took hammers and nails out of their pockets. In nothing flat, they hammered the boards together into a wide shallow box. Then they dumped the dirt from the wheelbarrow into the box.