Eoin Colfer: Artemis Fowl

Artemis activated the tri-band radio, broadcasting on revolving frequencies.

'Commander Root, you are monitoring all channels I presume…'

For a few moments nothing but white noise emanated from the micro speakers, then Artemis heard the sharp click of a mike button.

'I hear you, human. What can I do for you?'

'Is that the commander?'

A noise filtered through the black gauze. It sounded like a whinny.

'No. This is not the commander. This is Foaly, the centaur. Is that the kidnapping lowlife human?'

It took Artemis a moment to process the fact that he'd been insulted.

'Mister… ah… Foaly. You have obviously not studied your psych texts. It is not wise to antagonize the hostage-taker. I may be unstable.'

'May be unstable? There's no may about it. Not that it matters. Soon you'll be no more than a cloud of radioactive molecules.'

Artemis chuckled.

'That's where you are mistaken, my quadrupedal friend. By the time that bio-bomb is detonated, I will be long gone from this time-stop.'

It was Foaly's turn to chuckle.

'You're bluffing, human. If there was a way to escape the field, I would have found it. I think you're

talking through your — '

Thankfully it was at that moment Root took over at the microphone.

'Fowl? This is Commander Root. What do you want?'

'I would just like to inform you, Commander, that in spite of your attempted betrayal, I am still willing to negotiate.'

'That troll had nothing to do with me,' protested Root. 'It was done against my wishes.'

'The fact is that it was done, and by the LEP. Whatever trust we had is gone. So here is my ultimatum. You have thirty minutes to send in the gold, or else I will refuse to release Captain Short. Furthermore, I will not take her with me when I leave the time-field, leaving her to be disintegrated by the bio-bomb.'

'Don't be a fool, human. You're deluding yourself. Mud technology is aeons behind ours. There is no way to escape the time-field.'

Artemis leaned in close to the mike, smiling his wolfish smile.

'There's only one way to find out, Root. Are you willing to bet Captain Short's life on your hunch?'

Root's hesitation was highlighted by the hiss of interference. His reply, when it came, was tinged with just the right note of defeat.

'No,' he sighed. 'I'm not. You'll have your gold, Fowl. A tonne. Twenty-four carat.'

Artemis smirked. Quite the actor, our Commander Root.

'Thirty minutes, Commander. Count the seconds if your clock's stopped. I'm waiting. But not for long.'

Artemis terminated the contact, settling back in the swivel chair.

It would seem as though the bait had been taken. No doubt the LEP analysts had discovered his 'accidental' invitation. The fairies would pay up because they believed the gold would be theirs again as soon as he was dead. Vaporized by the bio-bomb. Which, of course, he wouldn't be. In theory.

Butler put three rounds into the door frame. The door itself was steel and would have sent the Devastator slugs ricocheting straight back at him. But the frame was the original porous stone used to build the manor. It crumbled like chalk. A very basic security flaw, and one that would have to be remedied once this business was over.

Master Artemis was waiting calmly in his chair by the monitor bank.

'Nice work, Butler.'

'Thank you, Artemis. We were in trouble for a moment there. If it hadn't been for the captain…'

Artemis nodded.

'Yes. I saw. Healing, one of the fairy arts. I wonder why she did it.'

'I wonder too,' said Butler softly. 'We certainly didn't deserve it.'

Artemis glanced up sharply. 'Keep the faith, old friend. The end is in sight.'

Butler nodded; he even attempted a smile. But though there were plenty of teeth in the grin, there was no heart.

'In less than an hour, Captain Short will be back with her people and we will have sufficient funds to relaunch some of our more tasteful enterprises.'

'I know. It's just…'

Artemis didn't have to ask. He knew exactly what Butler was feeling. The fairy had saved both their lives and yet he insisted on holding her to ransom. To a man of honour like Butler, this was almost more than he could bear.

'The negotiations are over. One way or another she will be returned to her kind. No harm will befall Captain Short. You have my word.'

'And Juliet?'

'Yes?'

'Is there any danger to my sister?'

'No. No danger.'

'The fairies are just going to give us this gold and walk away?'

Artemis snorted gently. 'No, not exactly. They're going to biobomb Fowl Manor the second Captain Short is clear.'

Butler took a breath to speak, but hesitated. Obviously there was more to the plan. Master Fowl would tell him when he needed to know. So instead of quizzing his employer, he made a simple tatement.

'I trust you, Artemis.'

'Yes,' replied the boy, the weight of that trust etched on his brow.

'I know.'

Gudgeon was doing what politicians did best: trying to duck responsibility.

'Your officer helped the humans,' he blurted, mustering as much indignation as possible. 'The entire operation was proceeding exactly as planned, until your female attacked our deputy.'

'Deputy?' chortled Foaly. 'Now the troll's a deputy.'

'Yes. He is. And that human made mincemeat of him. This entire situation could be wrapped up if it wasn't for your department's incompetence.'

Ordinarily, Root would have blown his top at this point, but he knew that Gudgeon was grasping at straws, desperately trying to save his career. So the commander just smiled.

'Hey, Foaly?'

'Yes, Commander?'

'Did we get the troll assault on disk?'

The centaur heaved a dramatic sigh.

'No, sir, we ran out of disks just before the troll went in.'

'What a pity.'

'A real shame.'

'Those disks could have been invaluable to Acting Commander Gudgeon at his hearing.'

Gudgeon's cool went out the window.

'Give me those disks, Julius! I know they're in there! This is blatant obstruction.'

'You're the only one guilty of obstruction around here, Gudgeon. Using this affair to further your own career.'

Gudgeon's face took on a hue to match Root's own. The situation was slipping away from him and he knew it. Even Chix Verbil and the other sprites were sidling out from behind their leader.

'I am still in charge here, Julius, so hand over those disks or I will have you detained.'

'Oh, really? You and whose army?'

For a second Gudgeon's face glowed with the old pomposity. It evaporated the moment he noticed the conspicuous lack of officers at his shoulders.

'That's right,' snickered Foaly. 'You ain't Acting Commander any more. The call came through from below. You've got an appointment with the Council, and I don't think it's to offer you a seat.'

It was probably Foaly's grin that drove Gudgeon over the edge.

'Give me those disks!' he roared, pinning Foaly to the operation's shuttle.

Root was tempted to let them wrestle for a while, but now wasn't the time to indulge himself.

'Naughty naughty,' he said, pointing his index finger at Gudgeon.

'No one beats Foaly but me.'

Foaly paled.

'Careful with that finger. You're still wearing the — '

Root's thumb accidentally brushed his knuckle, opening a tiny gas valve. The released gas propelled a tranquillizer dart through the latex fingertip and straight into Gudgeon's neck. The Acting

Commander, soon to be Private, sank like a stone.

Foaly rubbed his neck. 'Nice shot, Commander.'

'I don't know what you're talking about. Total accident. I forgot all about the fake finger. There are several precedents, I believe.'

'Oh, absolutely. Unfortunately Gudgeon will be unconscious for several hours. By the time he awakens, all the excitement will be over.'